Love is not demanding, constraining, stiffling or conditional of who you are or want to be. Love should be uplifting and liberating. what many people call love, I believe, is possession. A relatingship, marriage or otherwise, does not conote ownership. What folks call love in this modern society is in many cases is based upon magical fanticies and social conditioning. Much of what we want out of a relationship centers upon "what I want" and has little to do with love and being loved.

There was a beacon of light of enlightenment in Newark, New Jersey on March 21, 2009, as the men of the FLOW facilitated a lively discussion about Marriage: Myths and Reality of the Relationship.

We were all reminded of the current rate of marriages and that 50% end in divorce. The audience was challenged to contemplate a number of questions. We were asked to define “marriage”, and the definitions were as varied as there were those present. The question was raised if gender influenced our perception, expectations, and/or behavior in the marriage. Is there a clear definition of gender roles in marriage, or due to the transient nature of families and the economy, the lines of roles is diffused.

Finally the question was posed as to what defines a “successful” marriage, and if, when and how does one come to terms to dissolve the marriage.

At the end of the forum there were several truths that resonated:

• The key to a successful marriage/relationship is to have a healthy relationship with “self”. We must look within ourselves in order to have successful relationships with others. Each interaction affords us another opportunity for growth; to learn a life lesson. In doing this you may journey with someone for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
• Marriage is a process not an event. Marriage is a beginning of a relationship where people evolve from being single, to being a couple to being partners in life. Marriage gives each person an opportunity to assist the other to become the best version of their selves.
• Communication is the key. It is through open and honest communication that trust is built. It is with trust that one takes greater risks to be more open and honest with their partner. Communication is essential as it allows both parties to become clear about the direction of the relationship and to have mutual goals. It is important to have conversations about “sensitive” issues prior to marriage (ideally) about such topics as money/finances; sex; spirituality/religion; parenting, to name a few.
• Have a spiritual foundation. A spiritual foundation fosters respect in the relationship. Respect for one’s self, the relationship and others.
• Experience, Common Sense and Maturity supports a healthy marriage. The ultimate goal is to mature as people in the marriage.

The maturity comes as a result of learning life lessons from mutual experiences. As we grow older we embrace those lessons and use common sense in dealing with life challenges. Maturity tells us that “this too shall pass” and the relationship will be the stronger for it. The conclusion of this spirited discussion was for one to do their personal inventory of the relationship and to have regular check-ins with their partner. How the marriage supports the emotional, spiritual and intellectual growth individually as well as a couple supports a healthy relationship and marriage.

Before we can embark upon the path to real LOVE, we need to know what LOVE is. Does your definition bring you what you seek in your relationships? If what you define as LOVE repeatedly brings you the same life challenges, or the same person in a different individual, maybe it's your definition that ails? If not, you will always ask "Where is the Love?" because your definition is not taking you where you say you want to go. What do you think?

A quote from Bell Hooks
Salvation:Black People and Love:

The capacity to love is so tied to being able to be awake, to being able to move out of yourself and be with someone else in a manner that is not about your desire to possess them, but to be with them, to be in union and communion