Flow For The World

Thu, 25 Sep 2008 21:47:15 -0500

Choosing a Partner: Revisited

Thu, 25 Sep 2008 21:11:25 -0500

Where is that someone for me? This is the most recurrent question heard at FLOW events. But, in the quest for that "special" someone, the fundamental question "where am I" is rarely asked!

We are all is various stages of dysfunctionality. It's a matter of degree that determines how our relationships are impacted. Finding the same person in a different individual ravaging our relationships signals unhealthy choices stemming from an unhealthy relationship with self. Compounded by the fact that most of us have never experienced the satisfaction we seek, we really don't know what we are looking for nor how to give it. Our relationship quest becomes a series of hit or miss propersitions, a gauntlet of dissapointment and disillusionment where the self becomes devalued. For some, in desperation, a warm, breathing body becomes a substitute for a meaningful relationship

I don't mean to give the impression of hopelessness, I'm just describing the relationship landscape as it commonly exists today. I believe that today there exists the greatest opportunity for sucessful unions and real satisfaction. However, in our desperate quest for love we fail to take responsibility for the choices we make and characterize the the relatiponship outcomes solely as what our partners have done to us.

Dr. David Schnarch in his seminal book "The Passionate Marriage" states that relationships are people growing machines. They are avenues for becoming the best of who we each are together, not for the hidden personal agendas that often are the basis of our choices. Sex, lonleyness, the prospect of marriage, or even looking for a parental figure are often cloacked in the "sheep's clothing" many call love. Redefining why and how we choose our partners does not make the process easier, but should change the way we approach relationships, making what is given and received more meaningful.

A NEW Relationship Series in Baltimore, Maryland

Thu, 25 Sep 2008 15:36:28 -0500

Visions of Love Panel Discussion - 2008 Baltimore Book Festival - Sunday,Sept 28th - Festival Pavilion- 3pm - 4pm - Moderated by The FLOW

Sat, 13 Sep 2008 12:05:16 -0500

The outlook of a changing society towards love, sex and marriage is best found through their depiction in contemporary media. For many of us, concepts of Love and Relationships have been influenced by what we have seen, heard, or read.

How many of us have modeled our relationships from real life examples? If anything, we mostly try not to imitate what we have personally known. What's typical is that we repeatedly try to adapt socially induced idealizations into real life and have been disappointed by the results. On the other hand, how many have been given insights into their relationships by the written word? How much of our relationships are life imitating art," how much is "art imitating life, or are both chasing a societal illusion

Our authors have crafted their own unique visions of love and relationships in their works. Our panel will explore how their visions mesh with reality and how they add to the often contentious relationship debate between men and women.

Panelist:

Zane - Best Selling Erotic Fiction Author
Donna Hill - Essence Best Selling Fiction & Romance Author
Bill Holmes - Essense Best Selling Author & Poet
Victoria Wells

The FLOW Experience will be joined by Chuck and Garland of the insightful, down-to-earth, and real relationship blog "What are Men Thinking"

The Philosophy of Love

Wed, 13 Aug 2008 07:20:09 -0500

Is It Love Because

We Call It Love?

Or Is It Love

Because It Is Love?

The definition I hear most cited as to what is love comes from First Corinthians, there the disciple Paul states, "...Love beareth all things, believeth all things, hopest all things, endureth all things." But honestly, how many of us know of anyone that loves as Paul describes.

For the most part, what human beings call love, in actuality, is not something to be relished, but endured. If love in our relationships were as we espouse and fantasize, the relationship landscape would look very different and there would not be the 50% divorce rate that exists in this country! In developing a workable philosophy of love we must begin to comprehend is it love just because we call it so, or is it love because it is love?

Our current concepts are more born out of advertising and the media's goal to sell products and services (wants) masquerading as needs. Jean Kilbourne, in her insightful book Can't Buy My Love, How Advertising Changes the Way We Look and Feel says,

"All too often our market-driven culture locks people into adolescent fantasies of sex and relationships. And there is a connection between the constant images of instant sexual gratification and passion and the increasing burden on marriage and long-term lovers."

Through our socialization via the media, religion, conscious and unconscious role models, people and relaitonships have been generalized to the point where we misinterpret the world and ourselves.

I believe, that what is most prevalent in our relationships is not love but need fulfullment. In the book, The Mirages of Marriage, the authors William Lederer and Don Jackson say that there are reasons beyond love why we seek partners. The authors state that the relief of loneliness, economic security, social mobility, a "person of the opposite sex that will play a parental role," or even, a mate that allows them to exercise their neuroses" are reasons why we seek relationships and marriage, in the name of love. In the book All About Love,Bell Hooks states "to demystify the meaning of love, the art and practice of loving, we need to use sound definitions..."

We often use our partners to validate our self image whether real or imagined. David Schnarch, in his book The Passonite Marriage says, committed relationships are vechicles for learning who we are and who we are not, a prelude to loving. But too often this basically translates into "live within my limitations," but living within someone's limitations is not love!"

The definition of love as given in The Mirages of Marriage is, "When the satisfaction or the security of another person becomes as significant to one as is one's own satisfaction or security..." This is a developmental process. As human beings our philosophy of love should grow with us. India Arie sings in Heart of the Matter "... all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again..." A workable philosophy of love requires careful maintenence and introspection to ensure that it honors who we are as individuals and our relationships, which may require "learning again."

To develop a workable philosophy of love we must begin the quest to discern the difference between the idealogical and what it is to be human. To continue to see love as some calcified ideal is spirititual inertia, quite the oposite for creating an sustaining the dynamic, mystical entity that is loving and being loved. It is only when we begin to approach love as human beings, who cannot just be characterized as "this" or "that" but represent a continum of possibilities "...created in the image and likeness of..." will the full potential of love in our relationships be attained.

Finding the Real You!

Sat, 02 Aug 2008 08:58:56 -0500

If we were to strip away the effects of our upbringing, imparted religious and social values, what would we be left with? Would this be our authentic self? Is who we are not of our own choosing, but born out of our socialization?

I recently viewed the documentary film "Lost White Male." In it, a young white male finds himself on a New York City subway heading to the Coney Island section of Brooklyn, not knowing who he is, why he is on the train or where he is going. This is a true story; this man had suffered for some unknown reason complete amnesia. He had no knowledge of his past, including childhood, family, friends, occupation, not even where he lived! He eventually found someone who knew him. He had to reacquaint himself with his life, quite literally reinventing himself. Those that had known him said that he was the "same man" but a "different person", a person with less edge, more emotionally forthcoming, more honest.

Is that "different person" within, being held hostage by all the stuff we have accumulated during our lives? What do we bring to our relationships that is authentically who we are? And, how much of who we are not, is playing havoc in our lives and our relationships. I believe that most of us are merely acting out our socialization, much of which is merely accepted as true and not been tested. It is only by validating what we say or think we believe, whether it's our sexuality or spiritual beliefs, concepts regarding love and relationships through our own experience, does it become true for us.

The paradox is that even though these concepts are not routinely validated, we continue to apply them to our lives, relegating ourselves to a cycle on disillusionment. This is particularly apparent in choosing and keeping a partner, where we find ourselves in different relationships with the same person. Finding out who we are and who we are not, in my opinion is the key.

How much of what we call our identity is really serving us in our relationships? I think that many of us suspect that what we project is not our real self. Dr. David Schnarch in his book "The Passionate Marriage‚Äù says that many of us in our relationships "...don't really want somebody to know who you are, you just want somebody to validate you instead." This validation is of what Dr. Schnarch refers to a "projected sense of self", a self that may not have a in basis in reality, but how we want or expect others to see us, whether positive or negative.

In the end, we must discover our authentic selves and discard what does not really represent us and gets in the way of personal fulfillment. How do we do this? It is a process. Roy Frank of The FLOW and I disagree on this point. He feels that we already know who we are, I say how can we? Nowhere is our quest for self-definition more apparent than in the ascendancy of the current celebrity culture where many vicariously experience life through their favorite celeb. Whether in politics, movies, TV, or even the latest 15 minute, media created personality, we seek external validation of who we are as well as who we are not. Our authentic selves are cluttered by manufactured celebrity and consumption. And, when we look at the real lives of these celebrity facades their lives, too often, are more disillusioned than our own. Again, how do we do discover who we are? It is a process.

Discovering who we are entails looking at our choices and not only why we make them, but where do they come from. Whether from our upbringing, religious beliefs, social conditioning, or unresolved baggage, this journey requires a striping away to our essential self, where we become that different person‚ and consequently begin to have different, fulfilling, relationship outcomes.

The FLOW Wants To Hear From You!

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 22:57:18 -0500

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Join The FLOW in our exploration of relationship dynamics
Upcoming topics:

The Myth of Marriage

Financial Intimacy

Power in Relationships

The Downlow

21th Century Dating

Sex, Religion & Spirituality

Check out this site for date and locations
The discussion continues!

Who is The FLOW?

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 11:31:36 -0500

Since 2005, The Flow (For Love Of The World) has presented a unique dialogue with topics such as "Why Men Fear Love & Committment"; "Sex, Religion & Spirituality"; " Are You Ready For a Relationship?"; etc. The FLOW was developed by Angelo Hunt, Roy Frank and Marc Collins to promote a constructive dialogue between men and women regarding relationships. Flow forums provide a venue where fundamental relationship issues are discussed that go beyond "baby momma drama" so prevalent in the media.

The Flow Advocates:

The Prime Relationship is with yourself! Having a healthy, loving relationship with yourself is a key to successful relationships.

We are complete within ourselves. Relationships should enhance who we are not complete us.

Relationships are experiences that allow us to grow and redefine ourselves, if we choose.

We are responsible for our choices and consequently our relationship outcomes.

From the dialogue initiated by three men, The FLOW has evolved into a process, an exploration, an interchange of ideas and feelings regarding relationship fundamentals, In the FLOW we seek to go beyond the assumptions, traditions, gender roles, and socially defined frames of reference that, in our opinion get in the way of meaningful relationships.

Terrance A. Layne is the newest addition to the FLOW dialogue. Terrance is the author of The (Black) Barbershop Monologues. This is a book on Black men by Black men. These are Black men, who form the bedrock of Black America, speak quietly yet forcefully about the Black male experience in America and how they survive it. There are no experts, icons or preaching. The beauty of these men's testimony is that they are not based on theory, but rather their experience on how they successfully live and manage their existence in a country that has made that experience challenging, to say the least.
Terrance will be joining The FLOW moderating the 2008 Harlem Book Fair panel discussions.

Sexuality: Is It Who You Are or What You Do? - Panel Discussion at the 2008 Harlem Book Fair - July, 20th - Schomburg Library - Moderated by The FLOW

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 08:44:09 -0500

Does our sexuality define us, proscribe a frame of reference, a role, inform our character, or is it just part of the continuum of being human? Does religion, tradition, upbringing define our sexuality or does it just evolve? Can it be confined within the context of marriage, a committed relationship, or a physical act? Is sexuality sex?

We are sexual beings! Human Sexuality is the way we experience and express ourselves as sexual beings. Our awarness of our gender orienatation (male, female, bi/homo/trans sexual), as is our capacity for erotic experiences and responses are ways of sexual expression. Our sexuality is an essential part of ourselves whether or not we engage in any sexual activity, physical or fantasy.

What is your definition of sexuality? Is it who your are or what you do? Does your concept of sexuality serve you in your life and relationships?

The FLOW wants to hear you comments!

Sins of the Father:How Fathers Impact Daughters Relationships - Panel Discussion at the 2008 Harlem Book Fair - July, 19th - Countee Cullen Library - Moderated by The FLOW

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 08:19:43 -0500

How much of a woman's relationship choices are influenced by their fathers? How do father's impact daughter's definitions of womanhood, intimacy and self esteem. How many women are trying to make up for the absence, abuse or neglect of their fathers in their romantic relationships risking their own authenticity and relationship success? What fathers pass on to their daughters regarding male privilege, domination and control and how does this affect their interactions with men

Many Thanks to all who attended this standing room only event. The 45 minutes alloted allowed The FLOW and panelist to just skim the surface of such an important and neglected topic. So, let's continue the dialogue began during the panel discussion. The FLOW wants to hear from you!

Join The FLOW at the 2008 Harlem Book Fair

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 20:07:08 -0500

Saturday, July, 19th 2:45pm - 3:30pm
Countee Cullen Library
104 W 136th St
New York, New York City

Sins of the Father: Fathers Impact on Daughters Relationships

Panelist:
Jonetta Barras - Author, What Ever Happened to Daddy's Little Girl?: The Impact of Fatherlessness on Daughters Relationships
Randy Williams - Filmmaker, Where's Daddy?
Grace Cornish - Author, You Deserve Healthy Love Sis!:The Seven Steps to Getting the Relationship You Want
June Cross - Author, Secret Daughter: A Mixed Race Daughter and the Mother Who Gave Her Away
D. E. Brown - Author, Fatherless

Sunday, July 20th 2:45pm - 4:00pm
Schomburg Center/Langston Hughes Auditorium
515 Malcolm X Blvd., corner of West 135th St.
New York City

Sexuality: Is It Who You Are Or What You Do?
Panelist:
Rev. Dr. Moriah Britton - Founder & CEO of The Moriah Institute, a non-profit organization dedicated to adolescent development, sexuality education and spiritual awareness.
Rajen Persaud - Author, Why Black Men Love White Women
Lisa Durden - TV Producer, Filmmaker - The Downlow
Quentin Walcott - Program Director with CONNECT, an organization dedicated to ending family and gender violence.

For A Complete Listing of the 2008 Harlem Book Fair Events Go To: http://www.qbr.com/page10688.asp

Point of View - A Monthly Relationship Column on the Quaterly Black Review (QBR) website

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 20:27:20 -0500

NAVIGATE THE RELATIONSHIP LANDSCAPE!

Check out The FLOW in Point of View. A monthly relationship column on the QBR website (WWW.QBR.COM). QBR is the creators and organizers of the Harlem Book Fair, now in its tenth year. As in our live events, the intent is to provide a different conversation regarding love and relationships. We will provide the GPS, not hype, to navigate through today's perplexing relationship terrain. Please join The FLOW in Point of View

Urban Dialogue Series at The Abyssinian Baptist Church

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 19:13:36 -0500

When To Give It Up: Sex in a New Relationship - March 16th Panel at Hueman Bookstore

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 07:57:31 -0500

Though a provocative title, the intent of this panel discussion held on last Sunday, at the Hueman Bookstore in Harlem, New York was to explore the meanings that we bring to sex, which it what gives sex its relevancy. Sex in a relationship is often not about sex, but represents our attempts to get others to validate ourselves and make us feel good about us, whether real or imagined. There is a psychology that gives a context to the physiology of sex. The panelist were Terance Layne, author of The (Black) Barbershop Monologues; Marguite Dyer Hunt, author of Dysfunctional Players of Women; and Cassandra Mack author of Single Moms Little Book of Wisdom, Young Gifted and Doing It, among others. Cassandra is also the host of The No More Drama Empowerment Hour, an internet radio talk show.

An important theme brought up by Terance Layne is the "date face." The "date face" is an idealized projection of who we are that we present to others. Terance stated it as "In dating we bring a representative." It was argued that this face is usually a false self-portrait. Unfortunately, so many relationships begin under such false pretenses. Consequently, "giving it up" is often giving in to an illusion. However, it does not stop there; "giving it up" also involves us following our own illusions about the other person i.e. he/she has money, status, a good job based upon what we see. In our usual rush into a relationship, in which we believe that sex is the gateway, we miss the opportunity to develop a real friendship, the key to real intimacy. So, "giving it up" and who we "giving it up to" to may be more about the other person's illusions validating our own illusions. In this scenario, sex is reduced to a mechanical act eliciting a physiological response that results in the despair so prevalent in the relationship landscape.

Other themes discussed were: The pressure to please others Men feeling unsure about ourselves Women and men's assumptions about each other regarding sex Sex in a new relationship is really about how we define ourselves and what ritualized behaviors we bring into relationships. These behaviors can be the result of upbringing, religious beliefs, cultural traditions, past experiences or our attempts to repudiate these ideals and concepts, neither of which authentically define who we are and impede friendship, meaningfulness and real intimacy. When to Give it Up, The FLOW believes, was an important conversation regarding the underlying reasoning behind our behaviors that fail to take us were WE SAY we wish to go in our relationships.

Please join The FLOW again on April 20th at The Hueman Bookstore for our next topic Why Men Fear Love and Commitment

Join The FLOW at Hueman Bookstore for Our Next Panel Discussion!

Sat, 26 Jan 2008 23:56:49 -0500