Relationships: August 2006 Archives

Can/do you and your partner openly discuss your sexual likes and dislikes? Can your partner tell you "baby you're not hitting it?" Do you respond with "show me where it's at" or is your ego crushed and you emotionally withdraw? Can you talk to your partner about using sex toys? Would your male ego be crushed if your partner told you she used a vibrator and enjoyed it? Have you and your partner ever masturbated together or helped each other masturbate? Can you even comfortably talk about it? Oral sex--can you talk about it? Anal sex--can you talk about it, whithout your partner condeming you to hell!?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating any particular sexual behavior. What I am advocating is the necessity of two individuals in a relationship communicating openly, without malice, regarding what they want and don't want. Open communication is the prelude to real intimacy. And real intimacy is more than physical. So, if you ain't doing it here, chances are you ain't doing it in other areas as well! In other words, it's not uncommon for the lack of communication regarding sex to be the tip of the iceberg regarding other unresolved issues in the relationship. What's you opinion? The FLOW WANTS TO KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When does the dating end and the relationship begin? Are you still dating someone with whom you are sexually active? Does physical intimacy herald the change of status? Maybe we should begin with what is dating? Dating is a time to get to know someone by developing a friendship. In my opinion, dating is an opportunity to learn about not only the other person, but yourself as well.

It is also a time to gain some insight into how both individuals may function in a relationship. There should be a level of emotional, intellectual and spiritual intimacy achieved. However, This all takes time, more time than this sound bite, microwave society has been socialized to bear. The race is on, but if you look around at all the unfulfilled relationships that abound, to where are we racing? Dating should not be about sex, but making a connection with another human being. Only when a connection is made does the next phase--a relationship-- make sense. In too many cases, physical intimacy is mistaken as the connection. It's like calling a warm, wet cloth an apple, it feels good but it sure won't nourish you. The emotional, intellectual and spiritual aspects, that are often lacking, are what give a relationship viability and meaning.

So, when does dating end and a relationship begin? It depends, but it depends upon lot more most take the time to discover. What's your opinion????????????

When we hear the term “the Downlow”, it most likely conjures up an image of a black man loving heterosexually by day and lusting homosexually by night. But is it realistic to characterize this as an exclusively black phenomenon? What is “The Downlow” really? First of all, when you get past the sensationalism, it’s basically infidelity and a lack of regard for the well being of your partner. We all know that this may occurs in any relationship. Secondly, it’s not new and it’s not just men!

It has also been implied that the Downlow is a major risk factor in the transmission of HIV/AIDS to black women. Is this really true? Where are the facts? Don’t get me wrong, I am not justifying infidelity or the risk that such behavior presents. I am questioning how we blindly accept things without really thinking about what’s been presented.

I grew up hearing stories of men having sex with other men and women having sex with women outside of heterosexual relationships. And, no doubt, this is an activity that extends beyond all ethnic boundaries. Is having an outside homosexual relationship any more egregious that a heterosexual one. Or does the shock and fear that the Downlow engenders a result of the homophobia of a patriarchal society.

Even more fundamentally, is the Downlow a result of a society that stigmatizes it citizens for being authentic, whether it’s your religion, ethnicity or sexual orientation. Instead of further alienating black men, further dividing already fractured relationship between black men and women “The Downlow”, in my opinion, speaks to the lack of honesty and respect, a failure to come to grips with who we really are and the lack of intimacy and communication common in relationships. It is not an indictment of black men, but an indictment of society. What’s your opinion of the Downlow?