As a Friend of The FLOW, Ms. Katurah Bryant was invited to share her insight on relationships. Through her employ in the mental health field, she has assisted hundreds of men and women in arriving to a point of mindful living and loving. As she has said, “We are all on a journey of self awareness, of becoming more insightful…. As a therapist, I continue on this path, recognizing it ultimately enlarges me as a person and makes me a better therapist.

The Universe speaks to you loud and clear.” In sharing her experiences from individual and couple therapy, it becomes clear that the challenges she witnesses in her practice are not necessarily a collective segregation, but an aggregate expression of the human experience. She is preparing for a new journey into private practice, and when available, The FLOW will provide contact information. The FLOW welcomes Ms.Bryant.

It is human nature to be connected with other human beings. We attest to the power of positive family connections, whether it is one’s given family or “chosen” family. Connections keep us grounded. The same holds true for our desire to be in an intimate partner relationship, to have that sense of connectedness.

Unfortunately, in this day and time, people have come to believe that they “need” to be in a relationship to be validated as a woman/man, or to experience a sense of worth; to feel “complete.” This drive oftentimes lends itself to one making unhealthy choices in intimate partner relationships. A client of mine described her experience as her “man-picker” was broken, after a series of failed relationships that were all too similar. Her goal in therapy was to “fix her picker”.

We began a journey by looking at her behavior before and during these relationships. It was important for her to understand that her ability to “pick” was related to the choices she was making. What was most crucial in her change process, was for her to acquire insight regarding understanding and embracing the consequences of her choices, both positive and negative. It was not so much that her “picker” as broken, as her not examining the possible consequences of her choices before making a commitment.

In adult intimate partner relationships, each person presents a neon sign on their forehead that flashes, “AS IS.” It does NOT say, “You can change me,” or “I am willing to make any adjustments you would like.” That old-school song said it best, “What you see, is what you get!” The client was encouraged to practice healthy choice making. She made a list of things she absolutely adored about her prospective partner, as well as things she found annoying, that “plucked her last nerve.” She was reminded that he was, “AS IS.” We examined those attributes of her prospective partner she identified as cons/challenges.

The client came to understand that “change” was an inside job, and the only person she could change was herself. She became aware that she could choose to make adjustments to live with the cons/challenges that her partner brought to the relationship, or not. She was empowered to make the choice of whether to continue in the relationship, embracing the reality that there were no expectations that the annoyances would disappear once she committed to the relationship, and her partner was “AS IS.”

We also examined the pros/positives that her prospective partner brought to the relationship. She was able to recognize the strength of character, of honesty and trustworthiness he brought to the relationship. In addition she noted she appreciated the caring things he did for her, and him honoring her as a woman…as HIS woman. He was a good provider, and together she recognized they could provide each other a comfortable lifestyle. She looked at her list and assessed that the positives far out weighed the challenges. She chose to “pick” her partner with her eyes wide open, lovingly embracing him… “AS IS.”

Relationship success, as Katurah makes clear is an "inside job." John Welwood, in his book Love and Awakening says "How we relate to someone we love... provides an extremely clear and accurate picture of how we relate to ourlesves." Do you see love and relationships as an end in themselves or a path to self knowledge and personal growth? Please share you comments or send an email to flow4theworld@comcast.net.

How much of a woman’s relationship choices are influenced by their fathers? How do father’s impact daughter’s definitions of womanhood, self esteem and intimacy. How many women are trying to make up for the neglect, absence, or abuse of their fathers in their romantic relationships risking their own authenticity and relationship success?

The FLOW has asked these questions at the 2008 Harlem Book Fair with the panel discussion Sins of the Father: How Fathers Impact Daughters Relationships and by popular demand, we repeated this panel at A Good Book bookstore in Baltimore, Maryland in January of 2009. Ray Williams, producer and filmmaker of the documentary film Where Was Daddy was a panelist at both these events.

In Where Was Daddy, Ray explores this generally unrecognized, but significant, universal issue in the lives of women. On his website, www.wherewasdaddy.com Ray notes,

Volumes have been written about the intergenerational degradation of the black father/son relationship and how it has affected the black family structure in America. But it is the relationship a daughter has with her father that cements her perceptions of men and provides the template for which she will use to attract a partner.

Through compelling personal stories, Where Was Daddy paints a picture of women grappling with the issues of self-esteem, acceptance, intimacy, and even the possibility of ever attaining a meaningful relationship, based upon their relationship with their fathers. One woman, poignantly states that “… if my father left me that means that any man can leave me…” “…why am I even worth a man loving me for me, if my father, the man who is supposed to love, left me…”

In the book, When the Past is Present, author David Richo says “…How sad it is that what shaped us became a burden and a secret too.” Ray Williams states that the testimonies of the women in his film become inquiry. The inquiry Intertwined in the stories of these women is how men are the victims of a culture that denies them healthy expressions of love in their relationships with pathological consequences.

Author and social critic Bell Hooks puts it aptly when she says of women, “We learn to love men more because they will not love us. If they dared to love us, in patriarchal culture they would cease to be real men.” Where Was Daddy begins the much needed dialogue that is not so much an indictment of fathers, but a vivid testimony of how their unresolved pain flows through the generations.

Share your comments with The FLOW community or send an email to flow4theworld@comcast.net. For more information regarding Where Was Daddy go to www.wherewasdaddy.com

DEBORA M. RICKS is the author of Love Addicted: One Woman's Spiritual Journey Through Emotional Dependency,

a candid, thought provoking account of how her compulsive search for love--driven by a hunger for a father's love and a deep fear of being alone--ultimately leads to a spiritual awakening. A speaker, editor, and attorney, DeBora is committed to inspiring individuals to live lives of authenticity, power, and purpose.

She has more than ten years experience representing, advising and counseling abused and battered women. She currently works in a therapeutic residential drug treatment center assisting clients with their legal issues. DeBora makes her home in Baltimore, Maryland where she is at work on her second book.

DeBora was one of the panelist on The FLOW relationship panel Sins of the Father: How Fathers Impact Daughters Relationships held January 17th in Baltimore, Maryland. DeBora was quite outspoken about how her past with her father is still present in her relationships and her continuing struggle maintain perspective.

Our relationships do not exist in a vacuum. David Richo in his book When the Past is Present says

"we can appreciate the impact of the past and see how it influences present behavior but does not excuse it." "The work is to see the influence rather than let it remain unconscious. Then we can make new choices that reflect our adult responsibility."

Father's and mother's impact on their childrens relationships is too often an unresolved past that terrorizes the present of their children and/or dependents. DeBorah's book powerfully speaks to this difficult journey borne by many of us. This discussion will continue. This is a topic that The FLOW will revisit at a New York City event in March and a later event in Newark, New Jersey.

If we were to strip away the effects of our upbringing, imparted religious and social values, what would we be left with? Would this be our authentic self? Is who we are not of our own choosing, but born out of our socialization?

I recently viewed the documentary film "Lost White Male." In it, a young white male finds himself on a New York City subway heading to the Coney Island section of Brooklyn, not knowing who he is, why he is on the train or where he is going. This is a true story; this man had suffered for some unknown reason complete amnesia. He had no knowledge of his past, including childhood, family, friends, occupation, not even where he lived! He eventually found someone who knew him. He had to reacquaint himself with his life, quite literally reinventing himself. Those that had known him said that he was the "same man" but a "different person", a person with less edge, more emotionally forthcoming, more honest.

Through the years, working as a director of domestic violence shelters for women and children, and serving as a keynote speaker for policy and change, I have wittnessed the varying degrees of how, as humans, we inflict pain onto one another.
On a personal level, someone very close to me,who shares my blood, committed the unthinkable, he murdered his wife. Something like this, when you read about it in the newspaper, you shake your head in disbelief, and turn to the next page. But when something like this strikes at home, it locates a permenant place in your memory, bookmarked through the years, velcro for extra measures.

"With whom should the prime relationship be?"

The different beliefs regarding the “Prime Relationship” as discussed at various Forums range from being with God to being one with oneself. We’ve also discussed the theory that in order for us to effectively love someone and try to have a satisfying/fulfilling relationship we must have the same with ourselves.

In reading The Zahir, a novel of obsession by Paulo Coelho whose previous book was The Alchemist Mr. Coelho states:

“If someone is capable of loving their partner without restrictions, unconditionally, then they are manifesting the love of God. If the love of God becomes manifest, you will love your neighbor. If you love your neighbor, you will love yourself. If you love yourself, then everything returns to its proper place.”

What are your thoughts?
Do we need to reveal our love of God before we can truly love ourselves??

At Flow Forums, we talk about how the media often defines our relationship expectations, what the person has as opposed to who a person is. We tend to focus upon the externals. How do you think this may affect a relationship?

We at the Flow advocate that in looking for Mr/Mrs Right that we must first look within. This speaks to knowing yourself and your real motivations which consequently affect relationship choices. How important is knowing who you are in establishing a successful relationship. What's your opinion?