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Sex and it's relationship to a meaningful spiritual life is a topic largely ignored, but greatly disparaged by organized religion, nonetheless, this is a burning issue that exists just below the surface of our conciousness. We live in a society where we are bombarded by sex, but mainly for the purpose of personal gratification in the purchase of some good or service. The media has taken the sexual disconnect created by religion and has made it a physchologically loaded abstraction and absurdity. The tradegy of this is that many apply these concepts to their lives and relationships which, I believe, has resulted in the sexual pathology that surrounds us. We are living in the eye of a storm! Can we talk about it?

We have bee socialized to believe that sex should be confined within the context of marriage, but if we historically examine this, we will find it is mainly women who have been confined by this frame of reference.

We have bee socialized with the notion that though sex can be a pleasurable experience, that to enjoy it too much puts one character into question.

These are just two of the of many issues regarding our sexuality that confront and influence us all, whether religious, spiritual, or unbeliever. The FLOW wants to hear your comments, questions and concerns regarding reconciling our sexual and spiritual selves in today's society.

That is what women are asking themselves when Valentines Day rolls around. We are very preoccupied with, is our man going to remember to get us something for Valentines Day? Or what is our man going to give us for Valentines Day? We put a lot of stock in that day as the day for our boyfriends, fianc?©s or husbands to prove that he loves us and how much he loves us.

Now, it is perfectly OK for women to be excited about getting a gift on Valentines Day. Gifts are wonderful. But let’s not get confused, gifts don’t mean that a man loves you. I dated a man for 7 years and he gave me gifts, we went on vacations, and he treated me to many diners. I DID NOT FEEL LOVED ONE DAY. How a man treats you determines his love for you. We need to stop putting so much pressure on our man to get us gifts as a reflection of their love for us. We need to stop getting mad when our man forgets Valentines Day. It is just a day.

Over the course of my adult years I had many female friends who when they got a man stopped calling me, stopped hanging out with me or when we did get together, their man had to accompany them. Sometimes I want to just have girl time. There are things that I want to share with my girlfriends that I don’t want her man to hear.

Women like this use their single girlfriends for their convenience. And they don’t think that we see the bullshit. You know how they do, when she is mad at her man, all of a sudden she can call you, the single girlfriend, to spend time with you. One of my girlfriends from college and I eat out for lunch together, go to step shows, parties, and just hang out on campus doing nothing.

When she got married I noticed that the calls were fewer and fewer. I was only being invited to baby showers, baby parties, christenings, and family functions. But when I would call her to go to a play, dinner, or a womens retreat she was busy. There were times where this girlfriend would call me and say, “hey girl, let’s hook up for lunch or dinner, just me and you, I haven’t seen you in a while.” I would accept, get really excited and when I got there, it was a bitch session for her to talk about all of the f----d up shit going on in her marriage. So I started to realize that she was using me as a sounding board when her relationship was in the toilet.

The FLOW welcomes the students of Kean University (Union, NJ) and William Paterson
University (Wayne, NJ).

The FLOW invites you explore this site and share your thoughts regarding the various topics here
with The FlOW online community! It is our intent to open you to new relationship possibilities.

Among themselves, Angelo Hunt, Marc Collins and Roy Frank have racked up two divorces and a legal separation, and one even delivered the hurtful news to a waiting bride - two weeks before the wedding - that their nuptials had to be called off.

"She didn't take it very well. It was hard for me also. I got very depressed," said Hunt, who had one ex-wife when he dissolved the aforementioned engagement two years ago.

Frank's divorce was a year old at the time, a hole that was just beginning to close. And Collins' marriage was drifting into the danger zone.

Wanting to unload that sack of sadness, throw off the dead weight of failure in love and matrimony, the longtime friends said, they found themselves becoming more emotionally available to each other. In their get-togethers and phone chats, they began a rolling conversation about hardships of the heart and how they might fare better the next time around.

Extending this exercise beyond their small circle, last summer they launched a traveling seminar, "For the Love of the World," in which Hunt, 52, Collins, 49, and Frank, 53, steer a public dialogue aimed at persuading aspiring mates to talk and listen, listen and talk before leaping into long-term commitment.

In the heat of hunting for Mr. Right or Mrs. Right, they counsel, figure out the level of true compatibility with that person you fear is your last romantic possibility. Ask tough questions about whether two people belong together.

"We've been socialized with these concepts of love, intimacy, that have no bearing on reality," said Collins, a network engineer from Columbia, Md., in the ninth month of separation from his wife of 18 years.

"Most of my relationships," Hunt said, "have been closed-eyes propositions. Like beating a pi?±ata and when it bursts open, saying, 'Yes, that's exactly what I wanted.'"

"We're not always clear about our motivations," said Collins, who is Frank's cousin. "I might say I'm looking for happiness and intimacy, when, really, I'm just looking for my mama."

Hunt, Frank and Collins have dubbed this show The FLOW, in shorthand, and taken their common-sense approach to romance to venues ranging from radio stations in Washington, D.C., to living rooms on Long Island. Their topics: "What Is Love?," "Man Sharing," "Are You Ready for a Relationship?," "When to Pull the Plug" and, on a level far less salacious than the oversimplified title implies, they said, "Why Men Cheat."

They've built a Web site, www.buildandmaintain.com. This month, they are on the calendars of New York City's Human Resources Administration, where they will engage members of that staff. In July, they will be panelists at the Harlem Book Fair.

It's not that Hunt, Frank and Collins approach love and romance as experts on these subjects. Consider this from Frank, a sales and marketing guy from Clifton Park, N.J.: "I don't know what love is maybe. I do know that, to an extent, men in relationships feel they cannot be in love with someone unless there is sexual intimacy - but I'm not saying that's right."

"We don't agree on everything here," Collins said, interjecting and tweaking. "Love is not sex, and it is not possession of another person, either. Love should set you free. But with most people I see, love is a constricting, confining force."

None of them has been an exemplar of marital/relational perfection. But what they have, they said, is a willingness to examine why they hooked up with women who looked the part (whatever that means) and didn't live up to it. And, on the flip side, how they might have short-changed those women.

As part of their on-the-job training, they do read the personals to gauge what seems to matter most these days. The single person's wish list carries requirements for income, height, weight, extroversion, introversion and a range of other personal characteristics.

"You must have all your teeth, wear shoes, be educated, be well-traveled, charming, no baby-mama drama. You must know how to treat a woman. And there's nothing wrong with that...," Hunt said. "But people engage in relationships as though it's all hocus-pocus. What are the goals of that relationship? Is it supposed to be monogamous? Does it culminate in marriage? Are there any goals?"

Clearerheaded now, the men said, they believe the pursuit of Mr. Right and Mrs. Right might cool its heels some. It should be motivated by something more than "I'm getting older and I don't want to be alone," Frank said. "Because of what we've gone through, we know this is true."