In The FLOW: March 2006 Archives

Among themselves, Angelo Hunt, Marc Collins and Roy Frank have racked up two divorces and a legal separation, and one even delivered the hurtful news to a waiting bride - two weeks before the wedding - that their nuptials had to be called off.

"She didn't take it very well. It was hard for me also. I got very depressed," said Hunt, who had one ex-wife when he dissolved the aforementioned engagement two years ago.

Frank's divorce was a year old at the time, a hole that was just beginning to close. And Collins' marriage was drifting into the danger zone.

Wanting to unload that sack of sadness, throw off the dead weight of failure in love and matrimony, the longtime friends said, they found themselves becoming more emotionally available to each other. In their get-togethers and phone chats, they began a rolling conversation about hardships of the heart and how they might fare better the next time around.

Extending this exercise beyond their small circle, last summer they launched a traveling seminar, "For the Love of the World," in which Hunt, 52, Collins, 49, and Frank, 53, steer a public dialogue aimed at persuading aspiring mates to talk and listen, listen and talk before leaping into long-term commitment.

In the heat of hunting for Mr. Right or Mrs. Right, they counsel, figure out the level of true compatibility with that person you fear is your last romantic possibility. Ask tough questions about whether two people belong together.

"We've been socialized with these concepts of love, intimacy, that have no bearing on reality," said Collins, a network engineer from Columbia, Md., in the ninth month of separation from his wife of 18 years.

"Most of my relationships," Hunt said, "have been closed-eyes propositions. Like beating a pi?±ata and when it bursts open, saying, 'Yes, that's exactly what I wanted.'"

"We're not always clear about our motivations," said Collins, who is Frank's cousin. "I might say I'm looking for happiness and intimacy, when, really, I'm just looking for my mama."

Hunt, Frank and Collins have dubbed this show The FLOW, in shorthand, and taken their common-sense approach to romance to venues ranging from radio stations in Washington, D.C., to living rooms on Long Island. Their topics: "What Is Love?," "Man Sharing," "Are You Ready for a Relationship?," "When to Pull the Plug" and, on a level far less salacious than the oversimplified title implies, they said, "Why Men Cheat."

They've built a Web site, www.buildandmaintain.com. This month, they are on the calendars of New York City's Human Resources Administration, where they will engage members of that staff. In July, they will be panelists at the Harlem Book Fair.

It's not that Hunt, Frank and Collins approach love and romance as experts on these subjects. Consider this from Frank, a sales and marketing guy from Clifton Park, N.J.: "I don't know what love is maybe. I do know that, to an extent, men in relationships feel they cannot be in love with someone unless there is sexual intimacy - but I'm not saying that's right."

"We don't agree on everything here," Collins said, interjecting and tweaking. "Love is not sex, and it is not possession of another person, either. Love should set you free. But with most people I see, love is a constricting, confining force."

None of them has been an exemplar of marital/relational perfection. But what they have, they said, is a willingness to examine why they hooked up with women who looked the part (whatever that means) and didn't live up to it. And, on the flip side, how they might have short-changed those women.

As part of their on-the-job training, they do read the personals to gauge what seems to matter most these days. The single person's wish list carries requirements for income, height, weight, extroversion, introversion and a range of other personal characteristics.

"You must have all your teeth, wear shoes, be educated, be well-traveled, charming, no baby-mama drama. You must know how to treat a woman. And there's nothing wrong with that...," Hunt said. "But people engage in relationships as though it's all hocus-pocus. What are the goals of that relationship? Is it supposed to be monogamous? Does it culminate in marriage? Are there any goals?"

Clearerheaded now, the men said, they believe the pursuit of Mr. Right and Mrs. Right might cool its heels some. It should be motivated by something more than "I'm getting older and I don't want to be alone," Frank said. "Because of what we've gone through, we know this is true."