Robert T. Gardner Jr. is the author of The Choices We Make, a book about how our choices can foster or impede healthy loving. Robert has been a FLOW Harlem Book Fair panelist and a guest on Heart of the Matter, The FLOW’s internet radio magazine. In The FLOW we have often stated that it is not uncommon for individuals to be in a relationship that have nothing really to do with their partners. It’s all about need fulfillment. And, most importantly, the beginning of any relationship begins with your relationship with yourself. What folks call love often has nothing to do with giving and receiving healthy, self affirming love, again it’s all about need fulfillment.

Relationship Sins: A relationship sin is the thing you do with or for another person that you know is not good for you. It is when you know to do better and you do something to make somebody else happy, but you hurt yourself in the process. There is a list of relationship sins listed below. Be mindful that there are many relationship sins that we commit. However, I thought the list below was appropriate for this book. If you know of other relationship sins, please add them to this list.

Then, review the entire list so you do not repeat the relationship sins of your past. Your failure to learn from your sinful mistakes can have a catastrophic impact on your life. Do not take your relationship choices for granted. If you see what you think you see in a person’s behavior, then you really see what you saw. Take some action and make some changes in your relationship, if warranted.

1. To see signs of abuse when you meet a person and take no action to get out of that relationship.
2. To settle for a bad relationship with someone because you do not want to be lonely.
3. To stay in a relationship with someone who cheats on you.
4. To allow your partner to hit you and you stay in that relationship.
5. To sacrifice your happiness to stay with someone who shows you they will never be happy.
6. To believe the words of a person who says they love you, but their actions do not show you love.
7. To allow yourself to be disrespected by your partner both publicly and privately.
8. Fail to love yourself and understand the gifts that God has given you.
9. To believe there is no life, for you, after a divorce because you have children.
10. Not accept responsibility for your actions and fail to learn from your mistakes
11. To think your partner loves you more when he/she is extremely jealous and insecure.
12. Not address your personal childhood or adult issues that preclude you from being happy.
13. To allow your man to control and dominate you because he is a man. (You have the power)
]]> tag:www.flow4theworld.com,2009://1.182 2009-10-31T15:01:09Z 2009-11-01T01:40:41Z
Terrence Dean is an openly gay man and author of Hiding in Hip Hop: On the Down Low in the Entertainment Industry--from Music to Hollywood. Terrance, along with Lisa Durden, producer of the documentary film Project Wow: A Look...
Marc Collins http://marccollins@msn.com

Terrence Dean is an openly gay man and author of Hiding in Hip Hop: On the Down Low in the Entertainment Industry--from Music to Hollywood. Terrance, along with Lisa Durden, producer of the documentary film Project Wow: A Look Into The Lives Of Men On The Down Low were guests on Heart of the Matter, The FLOW's internet radio relatationship magazine. The topic was the Down Low, see posting below "What is the Down Low or listen to the show at www.blogtalkradio.com/the-flow. Terrance has written a follwup to our internet radio conversation. The FLOW wants to hear your opinions. This conversation will continue.

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The term “down low” has been surfacing throughout the black community for almost ten years. It has come to define black men who are married or have girlfriends and secretly have sex with other men. Actually, down low is a term that describes any man, or woman, who secretly steps out on their partner to engage in a relationship with another person, be it male or female. But, why is it the term down low seems to only apply to black men who secretly have sex with other black men?

Unfortunately, the term has permeated the black community due to its slang terminology and images that were strewn across the media. From the New York Times to Oprah the images and discussions of down low men only seem to relate to black men. Then the warnings came that black women should be afraid, frightened, and on guard when it came to black men. They are not to be trusted. Black men are evil, vile, and prey on the naiveté of black women. That image has stuck in the minds of black women and has continued to play in the negative attribution and psyche of all Americans. ]]>

Stunningly, the CDC revealed a compelling report about down low men. Instead of referring to them as down low, the CDC concluded they were MSM (men who have sex with men). The CDC did hundreds of interviews with down low men only to discover that these men, in fact, were men who had sex with other men, but only occasionally. These men also do not define themselves as gay. They do think the behavior they are involved in makes them gay. Because they are attracted to and have sex with women, thes men do not think they are gay. In fact, the definitions for the terms down low and gay is a man who seeks to have a monogamous relationship with another man, and they only have sex with other men.

Here’s what I know of the behaviors of many down low men, or MSM. First, they do not define themselves as down low or the behavior of what they are doing as gay. They do not live a gay lifestyle which includes having gay friends, going to gay bars, or participating at gay events. Men who have sex with men (MSM's) feel if they are penetrating another man then he is not gay. The man who is being penetrated is the gay man. Second, MSM only engage in anonymous sex or varied encounters. They are sporadic and not ongoing. MSM do not feel the need to be with another man routinely. MSM are not interested in the emotional, mental, or physical attributes of another man. They are only seeking a sexual release and any man will provide an outlet for that purpose. Third, MSM would prefer not to use a condom because once a condom is introduced it concludes that they are engaging in a gay encounter. They have to protect themselves from the black gay man who is the HIV/AIDS carrier because, unfortunately, when people think of HIV and AIDS they think of black gay men. This is completely false! HIV/AIDS is not a black disease. It is not a black gay man’s disease. HIV/AIDS continues to affect everyone despite skin color, culture, and gender. It’s important that we educate and empower ourselves about the devastation HIV/AIDS has on everyone. Yes, black women are proportionately becoming affected, and yes, the numbers are continuing to grow amongst black gay men. Instead of pointing the judgmental finger we should be pointing toward a message to people of how to remain HIV negative. We should be growing more powerful in a dialogue surrounding sex and sexuality. If we continue to blame one another and pin black women against black gay men then we will not get anywhere. Especially as MSM slip by and watch the turmoil that is tearing our community apart. Let’s build. Let’s educate. Let’s unite. We are family! ]]> tag:www.flow4theworld.com,2009://1.144 2009-10-25T15:26:35Z 2009-10-26T17:34:04Z
Sex and its relationship to a meaningful spiritual life is a topic largely ignored, greatly disparaged by organized religion, and largely misrepresented in the media and society. Nonetheless, this disconnection is a burning issue that exists just below the surface...
Marc Collins http://marccollins@msn.com

Sex and its relationship to a meaningful spiritual life is a topic largely ignored, greatly disparaged by organized religion, and largely misrepresented in the media and society. Nonetheless, this disconnection is a burning issue that exists just below the surface of our consciousness, confronting us all, whether religious, spiritual, or unbeliever.

We live in a society where we are bombarded by sex and, unfortunately, religion has failed to put sexuality in any useful context (outside of marriage and procreation), while our communities and societies are ravaged by AIDS, unwanted pregnancies and widespread sexual abuse and dysfunction. The media has taken the sexual disconnect created by religion and has made it a psychologically loaded abstraction and absurdity. Sexuality has been reduced to body parts and sexual acts.

The tragedy of this is that many apply these media induced frames of reference to their lives and relationships which has resulted in the sexual pathology that surrounds us. We are living in the eye of a storm! Can we talk about it? As quiet as it's kept, sex fails to drive relationships, it is the meaning that we bring to the sex and sexuality that does not affirm and honor our highest selves that currently dominate our relationships.

]]> The disconnect between sex and spirituality had its beginnings in the Greek philosophy which has heavily influenced early Christian thought and continues to this day. In the book, Sexuality and the Black Church", author Kelly Brown Douglas says:

...Christianity gradually became influenced by the aspect of Greek thought that denigrated the body and fostered a profound split between the body and the spirit." She goes on to say that in Greek philosophy, "...the body [was] the home of the irrational passions of man." "Sex was viewed as corrupt when it emerged from passion."

This divide was further compounded by misogynist, sexist messages, fueled by religion that vilified women and has created the flagrant double standard that exists in attitudes regarding the sexual expression of men and women.

We are sexual beings. This is an acknowledged fact from the cradle to the grave. This is whether we are abstinent, celibate or sexually active. Our sexuality is an expression of our humanity. Sex and sexuality, I believe, was not created to be as an albatross, a trap, or an impediment to spiritual growth. How ignoble a concept of The Creator does this foster? This is man creating God in his own image with all of man's prejudices and irrationalities. Ms Douglas explains:

Spirituality concerns a person's connection to God and, thus, inevitably involves her or his sexuality. "...sexuality is that fundamental dimension of human beings that governs intimate, sensual, affective, emotional, and sexual relationships. Human sexuality and spirituality are inextricably linked because involve a person's relationship to God"

We live in a society where our humanity has been relegated to strictly defined compartments causing too many to lead lives of desperation struggling to fit in. Reconciling the sexual/spiritual divide, discovering the sexual "you" is part of the human development process, a realization of who we are as a unique individuals made in the image and likeness of the Creator. Ms. Douglas again comments:

"Human sexuality is what provides men and women with the capacity to enter into relationships with others. Sexuality is the dimension of humanity that urges relationship. Sexuality is a gift from God that, if properly appreciated, helps women and men to become more fully human by entering relationships. Sexuality thus expresses God's intention that we find our authentic humanness in relationship."

Some discover their sexual selves and are empowered by it, many, due to the religious/social stigma placed upon sex, drown in a sea a shame, guilt and spiritual, infirimity, even within the confines of marriage or a committed relationship. The FLOW will explored the issue of"Sex, Religion and Spirituality" on "Heart of the Matter, the Relationship Magazine on blogtalk internet radio, www.blogtalkradio.com/the-flow. This dialogue must continue. Join The FLOW and Rev. Leon Bailey on November 8th at 6PM. Please share your comments here or send The FLOW email at flow4theworld@verizon.net.

]]> tag:www.flow4theworld.com,2009://1.181 2009-10-22T14:10:39Z 2009-10-24T00:20:07Z
Rev. Leon Bailey, a non-demoninational minister, will be a part of In Spirit, a new internet radio segment to air in November on Heart of the Matter, the Relationship Magazine on blogtalkradio, www.blogtalkradio.com/the-flow. In Spirit will be an ongoing conversation...
Marc Collins http://marccollins@msn.com

Rev. Leon Bailey, a non-demoninational minister, will be a part of In Spirit, a new internet radio segment to air in November on Heart of the Matter, the Relationship Magazine on blogtalkradio, www.blogtalkradio.com/the-flow. In Spirit will be an ongoing conversation regarding relationships, religion and spirituality. In Spirit, wiil explore the profound disconnect between religion and sexuality. How did that rift come into existence and why do the issues of sex, sexuality and alternative lifestyles generate such hate, confusion, and separation.

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The current landscape of relationships is rapidly shifting and changing. There are far more challenges in society today than there were just a few decades ago. Depending upon your upbringing and your life choices, your experience of what is fitting and proper in your personal relationships can differ vastly from others. In fact, that is the cast for most people - there is no such thing as one size (or type of relationship) fits all.



Looking back to the era of the 60's when there was the Woodstock generation and ‘free love,’ people were just beginning to ‘come out of the closet’ and declare their choice for ‘alternative’ lifestyles. Those times reflected so many struggles on so many levels and to this day, there are a number of people who are still sorting out how to resolve the societal demands of these choices.

Now add to the mix the consideration of religion or it's absence and leading a spiritual life. How do these often conflicting frames of reference impact relationships and marriages of people from different religious traditions. What about people who may be agnostic or atheist? What about gay or lesbian partners and a particular faith tradition? What about transgender people and their religious affiliations and needs? Is there a consideration for these other ways of thinking in our different faith traditions? These considerations are all inside of the context of relationship and the challenge is how do we reconcile these relationships in the context of relating to our individual conceptions of God?

These and other topics are not to be shied away from, because they represent creations of God and our neighbors in this global community. We are them and they are us. In essence, we are inseparable and all related. Join us in this ongoing discussion In Spirit at www.blogtalkradio.com/the-flow.

]]> tag:www.flow4theworld.com,2006://1.35 2009-10-13T16:20:00Z 2009-10-14T03:36:40Z
When we hear the term the Downlow it most likely conjures up an image of a black man loving heterosexually by day and lusting homosexually by night. But is it realistic to characterize this as an exclusively black phenomenon? What...
Marc Collins http://marccollins@msn.com When we hear the term the Downlow it most likely conjures up an image of a black man loving heterosexually by day and lusting homosexually by night. But is it realistic to characterize this as an exclusively black phenomenon? What is The Downlow really? First of all, when you get past the sensationalism, it's basically infidelity and a lack of regard for the well being of your partner. We all know that this may occurs in any relationship. Secondly, it's not new and it's not just men!

It has also been implied that the Downlow is a major risk factor in the transmission of HIV/AIDS to black women. Is this the real HIV/AIDS transmission story? Pat Hill Collins, in her seminal book Black Sexual Politics states that:

Because sexual contact constitutes one major trajectory of HIV contraction, the HIV/AIDS crisis reveals how the failure to criticise prevailing Black sexual politics places all African Americans at risk. Many Africian Americans fail to question dominant Black gender ideology and thus help replicate America's sexually repressive culture that takes special form within African American communities. For example, black men who confuse masculinity with dominance and take these beliefs into their romantic relationships place their partners at risk. Whether straight, gay, or bisexual, Black men who make "booty calls" without condoms foster the spread of HIV. Black women who confuse feminity with submission and weakness fare no better. When partnered with these same men, heterosexual African American women who try to be the "strong" Black woman can end up being sexually exploited, economically used, and abandoned when they can no longer compete sexually in the marketplace."

]]> I grew up hearing stories whispered of men having sex with other men and women having sex with women outside of heterosexual relationships. And, no doubt, this is an activity that extends beyond all ethnic boundaries. Is having an outside homosexual relationship any more egregious that a heterosexual one. Or does the shock and fear that the Downlow engenders a result of the homophobia of a patriarchal society.

Even more fundamentally, is the Downlow a result of a society that stigmatizes it citizens for being authentic, whether it's your religion, ethnicity or sexual orientation. Instead of further alienating black men, further dividing already fractured relationship between black men and women,The Downlow, in my opinion, speaks to the lack of honesty and respect, a failure to come to grips with who we really are and the lack of intimacy and communication common in relationships. It is not an indictment of black men, but an indictment of society

Check out Heart of the Matter, an internet radio relationship magazine hosted by The FLOW. The October 25th topic is The Downlow.. Our guests are Lisa Durden, producer of the documentary film Project Wow: A Look Into The Lives Of Men On The Down Low and Terrence Dean, author of Hiding in Hip Hop: On the Down Low in the Entertainment Industry--from Music to Hollywood.

Please listen in at www.blogtalkradio.com/the-flow.

]]> tag:www.flow4theworld.com,2009://1.117 2009-10-12T01:33:01Z 2009-10-13T02:54:33Z
The American Psychiatic Association describes Domestic violence as "control by one partner over another in a dating, marital or live-in relationship." Abuse is not an accident. It does not happen because someone was stressed-out, drinking, using drugs, repressed or...
Marc Collins http://marccollins@msn.com

The American Psychiatic Association describes Domestic violence as "control by one partner over another in a dating, marital or live-in relationship." Abuse is not an accident. It does not happen because someone was stressed-out, drinking, using drugs, repressed or discriminated against.  It is not an example of love gone amuck, as often characterized, but the absence of love and respect.  The abuser has constructed a reality where their needs dominate relationships.  Abusers have learned to satisfy this distorted sense of self through their abuse and feel justified in it's use whether physical, sexual, emotional, or psychological.

 

In the book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Mind of Angry and Controlling Men, the author, Lundy Bancoft says that there is a "degree of consciousness that goes into [an abusers] cruel and controlling actions," as opposed to the common perception that abusers are out of control.  Mr. Bancroft goes on to say that most times the abusers "value system is unhealthy, not their psychology."  It is their values that inform their behavior.

 

On October, 18th 2000 at 6pm, The FLOW will explore love and intimacy vs. power and control in abusive relationships and how extreme definitions of love become nails in the coffin of healthy relationships. Please join The Flow,  guests and callers on Heart of the Matter, an Internet Radio Relationship Magazine.

 

Guests: 

 

Brenda Thomas, author of Laying Down My Burdens, a deeply moving depiction of the author's struggle with domestic violence

 

Quentin Walcott, Director of CONNECT Training Institute& Community Empowerment Program.  CONNECT is an organization dedicated to ending family and gender violence.

 

 

Love Should Not Hurt: Violence in Relationships

Love & Intimacy vs. Power & Control

]]> tag:www.flow4theworld.com,2009://1.179 2009-10-07T23:54:32Z 2009-10-08T17:15:13Z
Marc Collins http://marccollins@msn.com ]]>