Robert T. Gardner Jr. is the author of The Choices We Make, a book about how our choices can foster or impede healthy loving. Robert has been a FLOW Harlem Book Fair panelist and a guest on Heart of the Matter, The FLOW’s internet radio magazine. In The FLOW we have often stated that it is not uncommon for individuals to be in a relationship that have nothing really to do with their partners. It’s all about need fulfillment. And, most importantly, the beginning of any relationship begins with your relationship with yourself. What folks call love often has nothing to do with giving and receiving healthy, self affirming love, again it’s all about need fulfillment.

Relationship Sins:

A relationship sin is the thing you do with or for another person that you know is not good for you. It is when you know to do better and you do something to make somebody else happy, but you hurt yourself in the process. There is a list of relationship sins listed below. Be mindful that there are many relationship sins that we commit. However, I thought the list below was appropriate for this book. If you know of other relationship sins, please add them to this list.

Terrence Dean is an openly gay man and author of Hiding in Hip Hop: On the Down Low in the Entertainment Industry--from Music to Hollywood. Terrance, along with Lisa Durden, producer of the documentary film Project Wow: A Look Into The Lives Of Men On The Down Low were guests on Heart of the Matter, The FLOW's internet radio relatationship magazine. The topic was the Down Low, see posting below "What is the Down Low or listen to the show at www.blogtalkradio.com/the-flow. Terrance has written a follwup to our internet radio conversation. The FLOW wants to hear your opinions. This conversation will continue.

The term “down low” has been surfacing throughout the black community for almost ten years. It has come to define black men who are married or have girlfriends and secretly have sex with other men. Actually, down low is a term that describes any man, or woman, who secretly steps out on their partner to engage in a relationship with another person, be it male or female. But, why is it the term down low seems to only apply to black men who secretly have sex with other black men?

Unfortunately, the term has permeated the black community due to its slang terminology and images that were strewn across the media. From the New York Times to Oprah the images and discussions of down low men only seem to relate to black men. Then the warnings came that black women should be afraid, frightened, and on guard when it came to black men. They are not to be trusted. Black men are evil, vile, and prey on the naiveté of black women. That image has stuck in the minds of black women and has continued to play in the negative attribution and psyche of all Americans.

Sex and its relationship to a meaningful spiritual life is a topic largely ignored, greatly disparaged by organized religion, and largely misrepresented in the media and society. Nonetheless, this disconnection is a burning issue that exists just below the surface of our consciousness, confronting us all, whether religious, spiritual, or unbeliever.

We live in a society where we are bombarded by sex and, unfortunately, religion has failed to put sexuality in any useful context (outside of marriage and procreation), while our communities and societies are ravaged by AIDS, unwanted pregnancies and widespread sexual abuse and dysfunction. The media has taken the sexual disconnect created by religion and has made it a psychologically loaded abstraction and absurdity. Sexuality has been reduced to body parts and sexual acts.

The tragedy of this is that many apply these media induced frames of reference to their lives and relationships which has resulted in the sexual pathology that surrounds us. We are living in the eye of a storm! Can we talk about it? As quiet as it's kept, sex fails to drive relationships, it is the meaning that we bring to the sex and sexuality that does not affirm and honor our highest selves that currently dominate our relationships.

Rev. Leon Bailey, a non-demoninational minister, will be a part of In Spirit, a new internet radio segment to air in November on Heart of the Matter, the Relationship Magazine on blogtalkradio, www.blogtalkradio.com/the-flow. In Spirit will be an ongoing conversation regarding relationships, religion and spirituality. In Spirit, wiil explore the profound disconnect between religion and sexuality. How did that rift come into existence and why do the issues of sex, sexuality and alternative lifestyles generate such hate, confusion, and separation.

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The current landscape of relationships is rapidly shifting and changing. There are far more challenges in society today than there were just a few decades ago. Depending upon your upbringing and your life choices, your experience of what is fitting and proper in your personal relationships can differ vastly from others. In fact, that is the cast for most people - there is no such thing as one size (or type of relationship) fits all.

Looking back to the era of the 60's when there was the Woodstock generation and ‘free love,’ people were just beginning to ‘come out of the closet’ and declare their choice for ‘alternative’ lifestyles. Those times reflected so many struggles on so many levels and to this day, there are a number of people who are still sorting out how to resolve the societal demands of these choices.

Now add to the mix the consideration of religion or it's absence and leading a spiritual life. How do these often conflicting frames of reference impact relationships and marriages of people from different religious traditions. What about people who may be agnostic or atheist? What about gay or lesbian partners and a particular faith tradition? What about transgender people and their religious affiliations and needs? Is there a consideration for these other ways of thinking in our different faith traditions? These considerations are all inside of the context of relationship and the challenge is how do we reconcile these relationships in the context of relating to our individual conceptions of God?

These and other topics are not to be shied away from, because they represent creations of God and our neighbors in this global community. We are them and they are us. In essence, we are inseparable and all related. Join us in this ongoing discussion In Spirit at www.blogtalkradio.com/the-flow.