Some folks claim that they know themselves. We are all aware of our many likes and dislikes. I like chocolate, horror movies, sking, cooking, the color red, etc, but is this really knowing yourself. Why do my relationships always turn out the way they do? Why am I attracted to this type of person? The answers to these types of questions speak to who we really are. Knowing yourself is a journey not a destination. And, the hard work of finding ourselves can be the key to unlocking the problems we regularily encounter in our relationships. I believe that these answers are reached only through ongoing self-examination

I believe the process of self examination is aided by and through our relationships. It is through our relationships, that we continue to define who we are. Everything that we know and experience about ourselves, we understand within the context that is created by our relationships.

In this relative experience, I can only be who I am in relationship to something else in my experience. I can't experience the "I am" except in relationship to something else. This includes relationship with people, places and things..
So I think that not only do we know ourselves out of relationships, but we define ourselves as well.

I think another approach that may yield some profit ,is getting a sense
of their emotional heritage and philosophy. Getting a sense of this,
will spell to what degree and how equipped they are to effectively connect,
oppose to just desiring to connect. Every family has it own culture
regarding how they connected and encourage the expression or suppression of
emotions,( or certain emotions). I find that in general conversations
with women, a lot is revealed regarding this...

Action speaks louder than words" is an adage that we have come to accept as true in many arenas of life....It does not work in relationships
...nothing takes the place of communication in a relationship...Language is an essential element (verbal, written, body etc.) if a relationship is to flourish, grow and bring those involved to what they are seeking from the experience. Often times when you are able to trace a failed relationhip back to when "trouble in paradise" began--- someone stopped communicating or someone stopped listening. (More tragically in some cases, genuine communication was never established) The misbegotten notion that our partners should know what we need, think, feel or desire (especially when sometimes we don't know ourselves) is often the beginning of the end. Sometimes words are not spoken out of fear---fear of rejection, fear of reaction, fear of responsibility, but the fear is detrimental.

How do you keep the "music" going???????????????????????

How do you keep the "music" going???????????????????????

You must make sure that the tune is playing within your self! Audrey Chapman says in her book "Seven Atitude Adjustments for Finding a Loving Man""

You need to make changes within yourself that you seek in others.

I applaude your efforts to enlighten the world...it would seem you are fulfilling and living a life of purpose. Your honest candor and insight is most engaging. Angelo dear heart my apologies, my coal is still in a state of being chipped. Although, for the moment I am a diamond in the rough, my voice has not lost the ability to still calm a raging sea. Best wishes and regards. Grace, peace and love.

Thanks for accompanying me on my journey...

"...what ever the road, I have learned that the roads best traveled are the ones in the company of good friends" ~Rochelle J'~

Yeh, I do agree Roy, it would be somewhat invasive to ask someone you are getting to know questions about their family too soon in the process.

But at what point do you think it would be appropiate to get into it. I'm sure that it's a combination of time and circumstances. But should you covertly probe or should you clearly state that I want to know... when the time comes?

From personal expereince, knowing oneself can be as empowering as it is humbling. As this journey unfolds, you begin to see how much control you DO have regarding your relationships and your choices become alot more deliberate. I have come to realize the impact that my choices can have upon others, "taking ownership of your stuff" as relationship guru, Audrey Chapman says. With this growing awareness comes a real feeliing of responsibility regarding your actions towards others.

Sharing a mate...

This dilemma is not exclusive to the male-female relationship but often prevalent in alternative lifestyle relationships too. So then one would wonder, is it really a shortage or is it a situation of selfishness, personal validation, desperation, poor self image, passionate sex, fear of being alone, love, etc. Pick one out of the basket of emotions, and the choices will all seem justifiable to the person explaining the reason for self-imposed temporary insanity.

Although we were created for relationship; first with God and then ourselves, I do not believe we were designed for mediocrity. What of those who have fallen prey to the lies after asking all the pertinent questions and "Sly" comes the answers? Turning your back or blinding yourself to truth does not absolve you of your own level of accountability in a relationship.

Once you uncover the truth, then it becomes your responsibility to begin your journey away from a self destructive situation. Someone has to make the choice and oftentimes it is not the monkey in the middle. If you want to be a part of a circus submit your resume' to "UniverSoul", after-all you do have the qualification, with previous experience performing in a three ring circus.

Why does it have to be a three ring circus? How can you be sure that the outcome is always pathological? Every experience, regardless of being defined good or bad presents an opportunity for self discovery. Can this be part of our socialization? AIDS and STD's aside, where are parties are disease free, does love or relationships have to be exclusive? Do you have to possess to hold? The current state of relationships says no!

Where women try to be the woman and the man too in a relationship, clearly that will not work. But, I feel the women should not have to give up their assertiveness and drive to stay in a relationship.

Why can't a woman be femmine and assertive, womanly and intelligent, sexy and able to kick ass! It's easy to save the world and lose your woman and family, but men are not asked to give up who they are to mend the process.

To me, it speaks mor to how many of our women have forced themselves into accommodating wimpy black men, whose egos sit precariously on there shoulders like humpty dumpty, fearing a fall that would shatter the myth of male superiority. Yes, we live in a patriarchal society, but the current notions of manhood and womanhood do not serve us and subvert the quality of our interactions.

However, I have my own prescription for surviving this. I rely on my
Self-assessment-what do I want. What do I NEVER want to deal with
again. What's most important. What are deal-breakers. How much work
am I willing to do to make a relationship work. All of these are good
starting points for me. And, I try not to get confused by other things
that cause me to make allowances for what's not there. The only
absolute honestly I can expect is my own. And doing that helps me repel
the wrong ones and attract the right ones.

I always assume I'm not getting the full story from the person I'm
talking to. That's not negative. It's just that it takes time to know
a person. And people tend to reveal themselves in stages. I tend to
take on this process positively. I expect getting to know each other to
be time consuming. The other thing is I rely on the feedback I get as I
get to know these various women to tell me more about myself. That's
been very revealing--very helpful. Really important because I've only
had feedback from one partner for the past 15 years or so.

FIRST OF ALL I WANT TO LET YOU KNOW THAT I ENJOY YOUR PANEL DISCUSSION ON WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT! MY COMMENT ON WHAT EXPECTATIONS COMES WITH SEXUAL INTIMACY OR IS IT A MAGICAL SPONTANEOUS MAGICAL EXPERIENCE? I SEE IT AS ONE WHO ENJOYS A GOOD DELICIOUS MEAL AND COMES BACK FOR MORE.. BECAUSE YOU DID NOT HAVE ENOUGH OF IT.. IN OTHER WORDS TOO GOOD OF A GOOD THING TO LET IT GO WITHOUT HAVING MORE... I FEEL THAT IF THE COUPLE LIKES WHAT THEY SEE, WHAT THEY FEEL AND THERE IS THE ATTRACTION ,STRONG DESIRE FOR EACH ANOTHER,AND THERE IS SOME KIND OF MAGIC IN THE AIR..PERHAPS A FULL MOON, SURE WHY NOT GO WITH THE FLOW... ESPECIALLY IF THE TWO PERSONS ARE MATURE AND WELL OFF IN AGE..... TWO ADULTS THAT KNOWS WHAT IS GOING ON AND THEY REALLY LIKE EACH ANOTHER WELL THERE IS NOTHING LIKE IT...MAGIC IN THE AIR THE STRONG ELECTRICITY HAVING AN INTIMATE SEXUAL RELATONSHIP,,SPONSTANEOUS LOVE MAKING...PERHAPS ONCE IN A WILD MOON THAT RIGHT PERSON MIGHT BE THERE TO HELP ONE OTHER IN HARD TIMES...YES I DO EXPECT IT TO BE MORE THEN JUST ONE WILD NIGHT OF SEX MAKING.... THAT SEXUAL ENCOUNTER...SHOULD NOT JUST BE THAT....BUT IT SHOULD GROW TO A BETTER RELATIONSHIP...OF LOVE MAKING....A MAN AND WITH SPECIAL WOMAN WELL THERE IS NOTHING IN THE WORLD LIKE IT... I WISH AND HOPE I CAN FINE IT AGAIN IN MY LIFE TIME....PLEASE EXUSE MY WRITING AND GRAMMER I JUST STARTED WRITING I VERY NEW AT THIS... THANK YOU I LOVE YOU DISCUSSION ON RELATIONSHIP... WHICH IS SOMETHING I AM VERY INTERESTED IN...
GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR STAFF..PLEASE LET ME KNOW THE NEXT TIME THERE IS A DISCUSSION ON RELATIONSHIP...PEACE.

My point is that to ensure that you have a relationship outcome that is more than a one night fling, and mutually fulfilling,time must be taken to know the other person, to get beyond the externals that may give no insight into the character of the person. Additionally, time should be taken to know yourself and understand your real motivations, that may have nothing to do with the other person. The point is, in my opinion, that Love is a choice not a mystical magical experience.

I would like to know if i have been approved by your site owner? I need a feed back thank you...

I feel that it is very important to know who you are in establishing a relationshiop. In a healthy realationship both parties are proud individuals. They are both aware of who they are. He/She respect themselves and others. Neither seeks definition from the other person he/she or with, nor does he/she expect them to read their mind. They are both quite capable of articulating his/her needs. In knowing what you desire you are able to detect after a few minutes of a conversation if this is someone worth getting to know. A good realtionship is hopeful. You know how to make you dreams come true. He/She knows love, therefore they give love. They recongizes that love has great value and must be reciprocated. When and if love is taken for granted it soon disappears. Knowing yourself and your real motivations you understand that time, has to inspire others to reach their potential God gives them.I feel that if you know your past, understand your present and move toward your future you will know what you want and expect in a relationship.When knowing who you are you know that with God the world is a playground, but without God you will just be played with. For it to be successful you can not live in fear of the future because of the past. Instead understand each other life experieinces and know that they are merely lessons, meant to bring you closer to self-knowledge and unconditional self-love.

This article tells the familiar story of many of my sisters and if I'm to be honest, I even recognize me. I grew up with the message deeply ingrained in me to be self sufficient and able to take care of myself. I embraced that message whole heartedly (and still do) and took on the task of "being about it." My focus was my education, traveling and making a comfortable life for myself. As I was moved through my days, relationships and children was something I assumed would come later, when I was ready for it. My professional climb, creative interests and church and community involvement seemed to always call me to a place where there was more than enough to do. While I would not trade one day of my journey, as I read that article, I found myself identifying with the writer and wondering what has happened to us as people, when we can't see the value of two whole entities coming together to create something (a relationship) that is greater than the sum of its parts. I have come to learn a powerful lesson that I will never forget, "You can't want more for someone than they want for themselves." Some sacrifices are just too great to even consider. I am happy to say that I've turned a page in my life and things are looking mighty fine....maybe one day I won't have to be in charge of everything all the time...but you know what, it'll always be good to know that I can be!

Love...well I believe it should be the motivating factor. Whether you choose to be intimate or not. Being true to yourself and the other person counts. We are confronted with what we value morally as a part of our makeup and if you do not honor that in yourself then I believe your headed for confusion .Getting to know a person and who they are with time will manifest itself and you will be ready to make that decision.We live in a world that is surround by sexual pleasure and the immediate gratification of serving yourself and not looking out for the others. As adults we are free to make choices that we hope will be for our lasting benefit and happiness but when you overlook what you really want then you are lying to yourself. Sexual intimacy is a very personal matter and it has to be respected . Too many times people just go through the motions without the emotional. So be sure know yourself and what you truly are looking for . We can only blame ourselves when we going into it with our eyes close.

Belise

Being ready! It takes alot of soul searching and time with yourself to understand if you truly are ready. Running from one relationship to another is not the answer and it will leave you feeling very empty when you start to think about the way your feeling .Wow! What a catch you might think but who are you! What do you have to offer to the relationship. Are you comtemplating dating with a view to marriage . There are many questions that need your answering.Can you live up to the responsibility it requires. Are you looking to have your desires met sexually and then what. You need to prepare yourself for that special somone when he or she comes along. YOur foundation should be strong not weak and wishy washy.You have to clean house emotionally and in every way possible even your bad habits. Trust me everything that glitters is not gold so get to know you and then you will know if your ready and if he is or she is the one.

Belise

We all come with our own makeup whether it ise from our upbringing, failed relationships.We are all in search of our own indenties. In or out of a relationshiop Knowing your role is essential to any relationship .I believe, of course some may differ but as men and women we have different roles within the relation. The key is working together , communicating our differences and resolving it immediately. Each person has to know and respect the personal choices you make be it in your professional life or personal. Your work is just that your work your personal life is what joins two people together. One time I was told that I was a personal liability because I was not makeing millions of dollars to contribute to a marriage.(The big house the fancy car etc. But what does that have to do with love I wondered and I was truly hurt. We need to connect in every possible way with our partners not disconnect. Affection, kindness, goodness they all play a role in being connected. So the next time you are going do a separating work think twice about the hurtful reactions it can cause. So work hard at loving him/her and stay connected. There is always a solution to a problem when you truly love that special someone..

Belise

What if you are locked into a pattern of behavior that does not work? My point is trhat we all have been socialized to accept roles that have lead to the lack of success we see in many relationships.

What if I think my role is to smother you with affection and maybe out of my history, i'm running away from being smothered? How do two people come to terms dwith this? It's not just about talking it out, it's understanding what underlies our frame of reference and how do we break out of it.

We are all in a constant state of becoming and I believe becoming "better versions of ourselves". Though ther is a core "you", our experiences over time can, and it can be argued, will change who we are and hopefully our chances for success in our relationships. For instance, I am a different person now, at the end of my marriage than I was in the beginning. My sense of self, my criteria for future partners, my life is different.

So who you are is a moving target! With that in mind, the certianity of change should be accepted and embraced in a relationship, with the goalthat will, #1 benifit each individual and, #2 consequently, the relationship. Individual growth does not necessarily mean staying together.

For instance

The measure of Things

I think the measure of any thing in our lives, should be held against, how does it make us feel and affect us, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually,
and physically.
This includes from tooth paste, through our connections with each other.

At any given moment in our lives, when looking at these area, the question should be asked, I am the source of how I am being affected, or am I allowing some external source to affect me, in one , or all the areas.

Even through our relationships, we must hold each other accountable and ask the question, how does what you and I do or say, at any given momment in our connection, contribute to a loving, healthy relationship, should that be the goal.

Very often, in our pursuit of love, we are very often guided by acid reflux or the toss of chicken bones in the air for some sense of how do we move forward in a loving way.

I think, if we are deliberate in raising the questions I mentioned earlier, to ourselves and each other, how do we contribute to those four areas, we at least have a guide post that will assist us in creating a path, that will provide us with reflection and feedback, creating dialogue to assist us in how can we make the best connection, or should we conntinue it as well...

So folks, lets put Mr Purdue
out of business and get rid of the magic chicken bones.

And maybe that quizzy feeling the next time is not ascid reflux, but the beginning of something very special, that can be guided by, how does what we do and say to each other, affect and support us, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually and physically; and are we truly supporting a healthy loving relationship with each other.
Or should I be reaching for the Peptmo Bismo....

How do you begin to be true to yourself? How do you honor yourself? Are they the same thing? How do you be true to the other person? i believe these are processes, at what point do they begin? Most folks make assumptions, in a relationship it's important to be specific.

Honesty! Truth! Honor...being real. What a virtue wouldn't you say.You can begin by assessing your mistakes and realizing how you have grown if at all. What makes you feel good about yourself and that other person and your interaction. Many people are afraid of being truthful and honest in the beginning of a relationship. Why? There are many factors...and fear of rejection is one of them. Perhaps a overlap in relationships.Am I worthy of that persons love and devotion can I live up to there expectations of what they are looking for in a partner. Respect is essential. Honoring yourself and being true to yourself are just about the same if you really want a meaningful and lasting relationship . Be it in friendships or love relationships.It is a beautiful union to have all that you desire in that mate and then some... Too many times we do not go into the relationship looking at the most important factors that we are discussing. Yes you have to ask for what you want. So what you are looking for in a mate. EXAMPLE:If it is not with a view to marriage then DO NOT waste anyones time...be real and uncover your mask yourself. Believe me if that person is just as real as you are . There is a good chance that your headed for a good start at really being loved ..

Belise

There is no dought that we change with every experience we have . Whether we are in a relationship or not. You have to keep the marriage/relationship alive and the commitment.No matter what is happening regarding your personal growth. But it is important not to neglect each other. As a latin woman we honor our men and respect them knowing that we too are individuals who contribute to the well being of the institution. We love being in love!Everyone has a different take on it of course. It is for life with us and as it should be. There is so much to know and explore together. When you really really love your partner you respest the differences and honor the reasons for staying together. You embrace the good times and the bad times together. sounds old fashion well so be it. But it works....if it ends then you better think about what part you played in it.

Belise

Your right to a degree. But going back to getting to know yourself and your past mistakes. Why do I smothered someone with so much love and effection and why is it not embrace. ..ummmmmmmmmm.

It takes again asking what your partner likes and does not. We come from different cultures so it is important to understand that. If your from the more affectionate countries then you better have some effectionate traits. Looking at what your offering and what is being recieved is vital to making a choice that will reap rewards in your relationship.

We like to cater to our men and they do too! So for us that is not an issue perhaps there will be other issues but in the relationship you have to explore and see what is in the best interest of those involved be it emotional, spiritually, and physical.So be aware early on to the likes and dislikes....

Until Belise

Yes, unfortunately when the term or phrase down low is mentioned images of a black man comes to most BLACK PEOPLES minds. And for the record, most down low men don’t love heterosexuality by day or by night. And they don’t lust after homosexuality they act on it. But getting back to the point. Most BLACK MEN think that the down low is a stigma that has been pinned on them. White folks in my experience don’t have a clue what in the world the down low is. I did a documentary called Project WOW: A Looking Into The Lives Of Men On The Down Low, and truthfully, most whites have never heard of the phrase, DOWN LOW. This is only in our minds as black people mainly because of the fact that JK King, the author of Life On The Down Low, appeared on Oprah. I feel that many of us took him talking on Oprah about his down low life style personally and blames him for letting out our dirty laundry. Bottom line, men who sleep with men come in all races, ages and sizes.

To answer your question, what is the down low? It is not just about infidelity, it is simply a person who is hiding something about themselves from a person or persons. It could be an affair, drug addiction, gambling addiction, age, marriage, sexual orientation, alcoholism, a disease, and the list goes on. You all get the picture. So, it doesn‚Äôt really have anything to do only with sexual exploits behind someone‚Äôs back. We use it today as a slang term to mean, men having sex with men without there wives, fianc?©s, or girlfriends knowing. We use slang all of the time in the country as a short cut when speaking so as to save time, to make things sound more exciting or for impact. And I don‚Äôt think that there is anything wrong with it. But I expect people to think independently when ever they read, see or hear anything and not let others drag them around by their brain.

No, this is not new! And yes, it happens with women too. But let’s look at women for a moment. From the beginning of time this country has accepted two women having sex with each other. For example, in so called heterosexual porn, you will always see two women come together while they are having sex with a man. Now you tell me, isn’t that a homosexual act? Of course it is. But this male dominated misogynistic society, totally accepts it and has always accepted it. We also know that women pose together in Playboy and Penthouse in sexually explicit positions with each other. We also see women in music videos, girls gone wild videos and strip clubs, kissing, rubbing on each other, and performing oral sex on each other. So, that is why nobody is going to give the down low a second thought when it comes to women. It has been going on and it is acceptable. Why, because it satisfies men’s sick fantasies so that makes it OK.

No, it is not true that the down low is causing black women to contract HIV/AIDS at an alarming rate. In my documentary, Project WOW, Dr. Robert Johnson, the foremost authority on HIV/AIDS from the University Of Medicine and Dentistry of New Jersey stated that the down low is not the main factor. Not wearing a condom is. Translation, WEAR A CONDOM. For those women who say but I am married, why should I have to wear one? I say, if you suspect that your husband is cheating on you, reintroduce condoms into the relationship until you have resolved the issue. Now, if he says, “why do you want me to where a condom, you don’t trust me?” You should say, “correct, I don’t trust you, period!” Now, for those more secure women with high self esteem, I say if you detect infidelity, just leave that fool. I advise that we, us women, should stop giving men blind trust and turning our bodies over to them on a silver platter. Actually, my view is nobody should have blind trust for anyone. It is not realistic, it is not healthy, and it is just some sort of fantasy that should be saved for children’s books, wise tales, fables, and cartoons.

No, an outside homosexual relationship is no more egregious than a heterosexual one. Yes, the shock and fear of the Down low does engender a result of the homophobia of this patriarchal society. But it should not. That is why I am so glad that this topic is on our agenda. The more we discuss it, the more gays fight for the right to marry and have partner health care, walls of hate will start to disappear. But I am sure I will be long dead before this happens. But, it is a start.

The down low is down low because these men know that they will in fact be stigmatized. They will be called faggots, the church will turn their back on them, their families will ostracize them, and many lose their jobs when the truth is found out. So they stay down low, in the closet, and undercover about their sexual life.

Well, I feel that people, just as blacks did in the civil right struggle, should not allow this society to alienate them. All groups have the right to be treated equally. So if I were a man who liked to sleep with both men and women I would make this society accept me by first accepting myself. Meaning, tell your partner about your sexuality, stand up for who you are, and screw people if they don’t like it. Acceptance is just what is implies, ACCEPT! It does not mean you must like or understand the person. But respect is about acceptance. And everybody has the right to command it. DON’T LET SOCIETIES INDICTMENT OF YOU CAUSE YOU TO INDICT YOURSELF!

Lisa Durden, Talk Show Host/Executive Producer of
“PROJECT WOW: A Look Into The Lives Of Men On The Down Low.”
Check out a clip on www.Lisadurden.com

I believe that your personal growth should be a function of a healthy thriving relationship. It should result in your feeling good about who you are, not just butterflies in your stomach. Yes, there are challenges (to me good and bad are relative terms) to be encountered, but a healthy, thriving relationship does not mean a perfect one. However, it does, in my opionion, mean it should always be a place of personal growth and real intimacy (not just physical) or there is not reason for the union. M. Scott Peck, author of The Road Less Travelled says, "to love someone who cannot respond with spiritual growth is to waste energy."

I also think that a relationship is more than your socializaion. Does affection translate into a healthy, thriving relationship? Does affection even translate into an intimacy based on mutual self-discovery and growth?

Affection is only are small demonstration of your feelings for that special someone. There is more as I mentioned that has to be explored...So where would you me or others begin doing that exploring. It is about working the truth in your life and what you want to give.So our personal attention is needed.

Belise

Belise

In the Flow, we say, "in looking for mr/mrs right, look within." We advocated that you must first explore within to be able to explore outside yourself. Undertanding your motivations can lead to understanding your choices in your relationships. This underlies "what is being offered and what is being received."

Civilization depends on it....

I believe we live in a society that has corrupted true pleasure, and has contaminated most of our actvities, that somehow or the other, has made even love subordinate to supporting unhealthy concepts of manhood, affecting the quality of our relationships.

The human male is both a man and women made product.

As a whole, we have accepted our assigned roles as men and women without evaualtion, wholesale.

Society must begin to redifine manhood with nurturing outcomes, that will benefit all.

I have no objections to Bill Cosby's "admonishments" to the African American community. Certainly if he were a "blue eyed blonde" I might raise an eyebrow at some of his observations, but that not being the case, I think that we are compelled to look the truth square in the eye. There are travesties occurring in our communities, and we can't continue to look the other way and come up with excuses for behaviors that should not be tolerated. While no one wants the ugly thrown into their face, something has got to happen to get the attention needed. BLACK WOMEN LOVE BLACK MEN. It is our desire to be in community with our men, to have families, raise babies and have the kinds of lifestyles that promote health and spiritual wellness. That is difficult to do if factions of the community are not living up to their responsibilities...(tell the truth and shame the devil). I understand that Black Women may be viewed as having issues that are disconcerting to some, that's okay for now if it is a means to an end. If we are so "powerfully in charge" I think that Black Women want to know what we need to do (or not do) to turn the tables and have our men take their rightful place in our lives, communities, families and homes.

Sex in a new relationship?? As you know for men and women its different. For both parties or one individual it may be a relationship of convenience (looking for a specific need to be satisified) be it sex or whatever. And in some instances both parties are aware and comfortable with that objective. For some men/women especially in a relationship of convenience (sex is sex is sex); no strings and if that's what you're looking for and find it that's great. But if its not, hopefully you've taken the time to get to know the person, talked about your expections and have decided to have safe sex whether it be with a condom or getting tested TOGETHER for sexually transmitted diseases.

Talking about sharing the burden, its not all on men. The old adage that women look for wealth in a man is under threat. Women are starting to put physical attractiveness above solvency. That is, because women have been freed from the constraints that previously dictated how they chose a mate due to their increased control over their own finances. These women are less concerned with the fiscal status of their mates and are looking at how attractive they may be. Concurrently, women who had low levels of financial independence still tended to rate a man's fiscal status above attractiveness. This is from a study published in Evolution and Human Behavior journal.

LADIES WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS; IS THERE ANY TRUTH TO THIS AND HOW DOES IT RELATE TO THE ORIGIONAL POST:"BLACK WOMEN MUST DEMAND THAT THEIR MATES DO BETTER"

YOU APPEAR WILLING TO ACCEPT LESS??

Do relationships have to last... Not if they are not self-affirming. A relationship should make you love yourself more as you love your partner more. Anything less, is cheating on yourself.

There are many "bitches" that steal us from our relationships, our families and friends, our children and ourselves.

It never occured to me during the first reading that the "white bitch" was crack cocaine. I immediately thought of men who leave sisters for the trappings and glamorization of having a white woman on their arms. Drugs never entered my mind. I'm an Ethiopian Jew that has teetered on the fence of race, religion and cultural allegiance for so long that my "baggage" led me to believe that the bitch was a woman of another culture. Go figure!

In reality there is no more glamor in having a white woman than in having an asian, hispanic or black woman. The same relationship issues of emotional unavailability, committment, intimacy are still there. We just have been socialized to think it is different. I would think that there is a higher percentage of breakups for interracial relationships because of all the common reasons, plus the stress of living in a racist society. Those that see glamor in women of other ethnicities are really examples of the pathology of racism.

When I wrote this poem, I thought of the whole concept of infidelity and how women usually compete against other women for their men...I never dreamed that I would lose my man to a "bitch" for whom I was no competition--CRACK-COCAINE--and no amount of make-up, weight loss, exercise, nor personality changes would be enough to fight against this homewrecker.

The double standard in this society is screamingly incredible. How many men would be willing to share their woman? Yet, the same man who "honestly" lets his woman know that she is not the only serving on his plate would be first to yell "whore/tramp/slut" to the female who notifies him that it's okay for him to double-dip, as she will be doing the same.
With that in mind, I don't believe asking a partner for fidelity in a relationship is tantamount to possessing him or her. Every woman deserves four (4) things in a relationship: love, respect, commitment and trust. If either is lacking, she should not settle; she deserves to be treated better than some side dish.

I agree, most men would probably object to sharing their women. We live in a patriarchal society where women are seen as disposable possessions. How often have we heard men say "control you woman" like you control your dog. And today, particularily in the media, women are protrayed as disposable sex objects, an interchangeable combination of tits and asses for men's pleasure. Also, this is part of the current definition of what manhood is as promulgated by society which both men and women buy into. I believe, expections are rarely stated. In many relationships our interactions are based upon assumptions and hopes of what we wish our unions to be. Unfortunately, for the most part, relationship expectations are not discussed fully by the participants except in cliches.

hmmm, hasn't man sharing been around for a lot longer than any of us, even before the "shortage" of black men, men have had multiple families for a long time. I guess now the white elephant in the middle of the room can be talked about.

Really what is the problem, some men don't want to be tied to one woman, its her choice, if you don't like it then leave, find a man in church.

Sometimes a woman seems like her geting a man is like her winna a prise, I guess no one wants to share first place.

"Man Sharing" is a byproduct of living in a patricarchal society where women are generally held in low esteem. Though I believe it is possible for an individual to have viable relationships with more than one person, and it's not just about sex, very few are are up to the task.

There has existed a form of polygamy, called polyangry. Polyandry is a form of polygamy in which one woman is married to several men. It's occurance is rare and assumes a specific concentration in the Himalayan areas of South Asia.

Polyandry is generally found in areas where difficult physical environments or high populations impose extreme pressures on agricultural systems. It works to limit population growth and to ensure the coherence of agricultural estates. Some theorists suggest that this institutions more often occurs in societies in which women hold relatively high social status (Stone 1997:194).

My point is that if we lived in a matriarchal society the discussion would be "woman sharing." It's all about sociology and not morality.

Is love in a new relationship the end result of a process, or is it the initiation point of a journey together? The beauty of the question "What's love got to with it?" is that if two people are really invested in exploring possibilites with each other, it can be much more than a cliche. When a genuine interest exists to get to know someone on all levels, coupled with a willingness to be open, honest and vulnerable, wonderful things can happen. I agree that while romance can feel (and be) magical, romance is not love. A fertile ground for love to develop begins with real dialogue, an ability to be transparent, and yes the knowledge that true connection involves knowing and loving self. Personally, as I grow in my relationship, I'm always going to want to know "What's love got to do with it?" and my guess (my hope) is that the answer will get longer and longer.

Love has everything to do with relationships from the very beginning. It is love or the lack of love that fuels our every action. We date because we are in search of love. A friend recently said to me that in my search for love I would have to ‚Äúkiss a lot of frogs.‚Äù Those who believe in fairy tales and seek a ‚Äúmagically delicious romance‚Äù will undoubtedly kiss a lot of frogs. Self-love and past experiences will serve you well in learning about another person and ultimately experiencing love. You don‚Äôt have to kiss a lot of frogs. There is no all inclusive definition of love because it is ever changing and so encompassing. For me love is, among other things, respect, discipline, understanding, knowledge, freedom, commitment, and my essence. Love is much more than a sensual touch or a magically deliciously experience. If you believe in fairy tales you‚Äôll soon be repeating the clich?©, ‚Äúthere‚Äôs a thin line between love and hate.‚Äù Love is two souls touching, exploring, and becoming one. What‚Äôs love got to do with it? EVERYTHING. I never take love out of the equation at any point of the dating process because it is my ultimate goal. Ask yourself at different points of discovery during the dating process if you can love this person. If you settle for a great companion that you like but you don‚Äôt love, you can be happy but will always wonder and may never be completely satisfied. Perhaps this is enough for some, but if you desire more don‚Äôt ask ‚Äúwhat‚Äôs love got to do with it?‚Äù If you believe as I do and love is your ultimate goal in a relationship, write the word down and never lose sight of your goal. I don‚Äôt want just a relationship, I want a relationship filled with love.

Well, Sonia, I certianly feel your passion. However, I wonder if such passion can get in the way of making appropiate assessments. You speak about YOUR desires, YOUR wants, YOUR passions... does this really have anything to do with that "very special" person?

I wonder do we crave a passion that may have nothing to with love? Like a drug that may take an individual to higher heights, but in the long run, is it really good for the body. Read my "what's love got to do with it" post. Ther are things to explore that may have nothing to do with love per se, but evert=ything to do with love, if you really wnat to attain it.

Why, I want to thank you for your kindness and interest in my comments on the measure of things...

I appreciate, you taking the time to read my comments.. as you know there was alot of errors, due to the fact that i wrote it without checking for mistakes..and submitted the colon without reviewing it... i hit the post tap instead of preview tap...

nevertheless, i can use all the help i can get on the topic of relationships..i did read your comments on what 's love got to do with it..I was amazed to read the meaning of love..... there is so much passion in the word love... i was surprise that love have alot to do with passionate love making....in which i think i might be confuse...about...love and passionate love making... in which i believe i am in need of ... passionate loving making... there is nothing like it...especially when it is with someone you are deeply into..i mean you like alot.....which is something i have no luck with....only once in a wild mood .....and once is not enough... when there is so much burning fire inside of me.....oh the passion of love making....

well, thank you again.. for opening up doors and letting me into your space...it help when someone take the time and take the interest to see my view, and to help someone as myself to see and improve as I take the walk thru life's path of relationships..

I think that we all "kiss alot of frogs" to the point that we look for frogs and not a human being. Self love is a place that too many of us have not reached and that lack of love clothes itself as the infinite number of problems in relationships.

I agree that finding love is the goal for us all, but there is a problem when I'm ofered what looks to me like a dirty toilet plunger, but someone is calling it love. I believe that we all must delve much deeper than is typical to ensure that what we say we seek and what we offer is indeed worthy of the name love!

I wonder what would happen if the two women that were sharing a man knew each other, felt safe, secure and respected in the relationship? Suppose there were no sneaking around lying and hiding. I belive that these things hurt the most not the sharing.

"Not Just A Man Thang"
I think that men as well as women are driven by the physcial attractiveness of the opposite sex. Women as well as men are driven by the sexual aspect of a relationship in certain circumstances. Being a woman I know this to be true. We r so drawn to the man because he "rocks our world". Some of us try to hold on to this "situation" knowing that this person is not a potential long term partner, but the sex is soooo good. Instead of accepting it for what it is, we try to make it something it will never be. I also think that for both, it depends on where u r in ur life physically, emotionally,and in wisdom/experiences. Some women have learned to like/love themselves and who they r sexually, regardless of our culturally conditioniong that make some of us carry ourselves so "tight". And the soooo good sex, we know that is all it is!!!
With regards to the commitment issue, I think many women don't want commitment in certain circumstances either. As women mature emotionally, they tend to think with their heads and not with their emotions. What I mean by that is we are able to put in perspective the potential of a relationship for just sex or for the long run. And as many men do, women are learning to detach emotionally. As harsh as that may sound, it's very real. I don't think it's just a man thang. I think as humans we need to hold ourselves accountable for our own issues and behavior. I believe that there are still good men and good women out there for each other who want to be in committed relationships. Maturity/experience for some bring a totally different attitude towards relationships. You become less tolerant of certain behaviors, u immediately wonder is it worth the work, how does this person fit into my world and I into theirs, how does this person compliment me and I them. Sometimes I think we just need to let it "flow" and be committed to just treating each other with common courtesy, be considerate, be thoughtful and think about someone other than our ego selves. We can't just put all this on the men, as women we are responsible too! And as human beings we need to talk/communicate more openingly.

One of the things that came out of our recent focus group was that men are not listening and women are afraid to speak for fear of scaring the man away. How do we get beyond this impasse.

Fear. So many of us, men and women, want a loving relationship so badly that we allow fear to guide us and fail to trust and have faith in ourselves and in love. If you truly have an appreciation and love for self, you will have no fear and being open and honest in your relationship will be like breathing fresh air. Whether or not you choose to be emotionally committed or not, be honest and call it what it is. Take your time and get to know a person and don't confuse what feels like love with the real thing. I agree with Corletha, it's "not just a male thang." We all need to improve our communication skills. What do women want from men? The same thing they need to provide to men, openness and honesty.

"Communication" has become another painful cliche in the patheon of relationship jargon that gives more heat than light. I hear men and women saying "you just have to talk", " you just have to talk." But, in my opinion, "just talking" is the problem. Communication is more than "just talking."

Real communication requires a common language, "you mean what I mean"; emotional availability, uncommon for most men, and a transparency again, uncommon for most men as well as women. We are not socialized to be otherwise, the collateral damage of living in a patricarchal society. Where do we start? We begin at the beginning, with ourselves.

Mathew Kelly, in his book, The Seven Levels of Intimacy says, "... we are afraid to reveal ourselves because of the possibility of rejection, it is only by revealing ourselves that we will ever open the possibility of truely being loved." Communication is openness, self-revelation, talking is only a door that must be opened fully to really communicate.

When does dating end and a relationship begin???

dating begin with a special someone..if you both click and enjoy each other company.. you are attracted to each other.. you enjoy each other conversation. and you feel comforable with each other..you share your emotions spiritually,

...nevertheless, the woman has the power to take over the control of the her emotions.. in order to continual the dating relation.. she must not move into his space right away...or give into his desires of passion..

Easy easiness, the woman has the whole control(power) of what takes place next... to continual the dating scene or to end it...??? it is up to her.. she has the power to say no...she can says,,
lets us wait until we can completely share our desires openly and we can communicate our feeling deeper..where we can try to understand each other... in a deeper emotionually, spiritually, and intellectually levels...she has the power and control to move him to the next level in their dating relationship...working thing together..

moving on and taking it to the next level.. whether is getting to know each other better... or jumping into the bed and/or having a sexually relationship, which might and could end the dating experince...

in order to remain in a smooth dating relationship level it takes honestity and alot of truth . in both parties,, loving and liking yourself and this new person in your life its takes alot of time and patience..it like buying a new house..it need time, just a lot of time together...sharing good times and enjoying each other as much as possible...the beginning to a beautiful thing in life,, two people loving each other , perhaps the possiblitiy of a finding your soul mate ...that what dating can lead to...a loving relationship...because the women have alot of power, she is very powerful ..why,,because he wants her.....and she is beautiful in mind and heart....

To the man who commented, "I guess now the white elephant in the middle of the room can be talked about," yes, let's get everything out in the open so we can have a better understanding of each other. As long as a woman knows they are man sharing there should be no problem and the woman can make an informed decision to share or not to share. Unfortunately, most men are not forthcoming and intentionally mislead women into believing they're the only one. That can be emotionally painful and if the relationships are sexual there are serious medical concerns. Whatever it is you do, have some consideration and be respectful of yourself and all your first place winners. Also, you could just be a first place winner yourself and not know it. Remember, times have changed and women have changed too.

In the book "Conversations with God: Book I" it is stated that "for most people, love is a response to need fulfillment."

This, I believe, refers to all the reasons people enter into relationships that have nothing to do with the other person, to be happy, because they are lonely, to have children, etc. This is the ego seeking things outside of itself for validation. the Flow advocates "we are complete within oursleves." In our relationships, we need to be clear on who is talking, our selfish desires or that real you!

In pursuit of spiritual growth at times we become idealistic with a "my crap is better than your crap attitude". In successful relationships, as advocated by the FLOW its important to” take your time in the pursuit, and that you continue getting to know and love yourself & partner". If we are comfortable and happy with ourselves it facilitates the acceptance of another and successful relationships.

In “The Road Less Traveled, by M. Scott Peck, MD” there is an extensive discussion on egos and ego boundaries supporting the point that if we are in direct service to our ego. Loving and having successful relationships might be difficult; that is because, “the phenomenon of falling in love is a sudden collapse of a section of an individual’s ego boundaries, permitting one to merge his or her identity with that of another person”. For most of us this collapse of ego boundaries is ecstatic. We, and our beloved are one. Loneliness is no more.

how sexually open are you..

this is a very good topic to have on a three day getaway weekend on the top of some mountian in new york...all couple and singles are ..invited...Jacuzzi
and whirlpool available....at .....your dispost...

topic of discussion of how sexually open are you... with special guests speaker... of cause...i am just kidding. it's just an idea..for fun...

many folks can benefit from a weekend as this...but let us benefit from this topic as well..you can
share your view...so that we can all learn and enjoy..

i hope we can be open minded enough , to want to know how to really satisfy your partner in the bedroom... before the bomb explodes...

this is a very interesting topic and as you see not too many responses...

perhaps, some couple may be too shy and\or too afrain , to talk openingly and sincerely about this topic...

maybe some folks don't want to known what to do sexually in order to grafying your mate desires..or are there some folk who are interested enough to want to learn how to please your mate sexually..are you ready to explore the possiblities of new sex acts in the bedroom.....

let us open up with how sensitive are you with your spouses needs,, are your finger nails smooth and trim are you grown well...can you tell your partner to show you where it feel sexually good to touch and are you openly enough say do it here and do it there...

can you please your woman with your fingers, your tongue, your vibrator and your penis..

....most people or couple are to shy to talk about this subject...

.sso maybe a getaway endend it a beeter idea to discuss this kind of talking and this kind of sharing..

many folks need alot of help with this sitution..of sexual pleasing your mate..giving pleasure in the bedroom..

by the way, i just started dating after ten years of being divorce and i love it.. but some man are not ready to settle down with just one lady..and try to learn how to please her..
..however when i do have a sexuaul relationship it is very important to me to be sexually satisfy and sexually grafify ... sometime penis size it very important to me but using his tongue and his fingers is very pleasurable too..and well apprecated..

i think that every part of the body has some kind of sexual pleasure awaiting to be sexually gratify...but you must take out the time to explore your partners' body..in order to be in tone with..it...

nevertheless, couples should invast the time that is needed to learn about the different ways of making sure your soul mate and partner is well satisfy in your bed..which should be a very enjoyable and pleasurable time.of .love making...

The finger that points to the moon, is not the moon.
Human action can relect the truth,or it can reflect illusion. Often, we equate truth with thought.
Every ego is a master of selective perception and distorted interpretation to the service of the individual.
Tha baggage of old thoughts and emotions, becomes a filter through which our experiences are filtered through.
Making oneself right and others wrong, is a mental dyfunction, that perpetuate separartion and conflict between people.
Some people are addicted to anger and upset, as othrrs are to drugs.

for________

For , this poem make me feel so good that a peace came over me, which made me feel the power engage around the imagination of it being, the way I feel today...after so many disappointments in life and with relationships..i feel the writer point of view....

I feel as it was written for someone as myself..

what a beautiful poem.. i love every word ...thank thank, for expressing and sharing this love poems...
i love poetry,

i want to thank the person who posted the poem (Collins), you have inspire me..

to keep going and not to give up in my search for a soul mate....no matter what come my way ... good times and bad times..

perhaps, i have learn to open my eyes and to use my head to think before acting out in any relationships whether good or bad....

the beauty of this poem, has helps me to forget... ,how i feel today .... a fool.... with a broken heart..

Well written and quite poignant! Who is woman and how is she defined...we certainly need a realistic and updated definition.

How much of what men want, should come into play how a woman adorns
herself, emotionally and physically... Isn't that part of the
problem... and in a lot of instances, getting cues form men who have
limited desire for self knowledge, thus creating fleeting illusionary
templates for women, that changes as much as the weather. Our
actions have far greater power on each other, than we care to admit, be
it right or wrong... And in contemporary society, image is
everything...

So who am I holding hands with walking down the street???? DKNY,
GM, Victoria Secret, Ultra Brite, white images of long flowing hair.
Unmasking from these layers, might have you running in the opposite way
reaching for an apple or pear, and be careful with that to.... Is it a

yeah, woman with all her power...

she is powerful and she is beautiful...

what matter more, the beauty within her or the beauty of her body....or
the gentleness of her mind or the softness of her being...

adam, with all his power was not satisfy or please...he had it all,, the animals, the sky, the whole planet earth..but he was not happy...until SHE came....into his life and into his being...she gave adam alot of pleasure...

with just one look she made him crazy...

at the end he worked very hard to please his woman...to the end.....

who is more powerful money or woman....??

Through the middle of the poem I realized it wasn't a woman, but a drug. Thanks for sharing. Reminds me of what I need to do with the thoughts wallowing around in my head. They need to be put to bed, as you have done with yours. Thanks for sharing those thoughts, and words or wisdom!

sexually me

Myla myla, i love the way you express yourself...so beautiful...the way you can put your feeling down in words.. i love your poems..

i love sex too,

i have this sexual flame that never died..

i have sex fever that keep burning inside me...

i am on fire with sexual desires .. i am hot, burning hot...for sexual pleasure............

that only HE can put out...and only HE can satisfy my sexual appetite....

I see Myla's poem as a celebration of herself as a sexual being. Sex and sexuality, as presented in this society, is a dichotomy. on one hand, sex is all around us and is used to sell everything from cars to toothpaste. On the other hand, there are all manners of stigmas and taboos regarding ses as promogated by many organized religions and our upbringings. The result, in my opinion, is the wide range of sexual pathologies from incest to child pornography and various sexual disfunctions.

Myla's poem proclaims that a sexual being is part of who she is. She accepts it, she acknowledge it and she proclaim it. If we were socialized with such a frame of reference, accepting our sexuality instead of repressing it, a large part of the insanity we see in society regarding sex would be negated.

Love addiction, like any other addiction is indeed pathological behavior. Additionally, in some cases, there are biological factors at play as well. There are some people who are actually addicted to the "feeling of being in love". Characteristically, in individuals in new relationships chemicals are released called endorphins which produce a sense of euphoria creating a "natural high" of sorts. Studies have shown that their are folks in it for "the high". Once that feeling starts to fade, in their eyes the "love" is gone and it's time to move on to the next high. This is yet another illustration of love addicted behavior that does not serve the ideals of being in a healthy and loving relationship.

Thank you for the appreciation and feedback regarding "Sexually Me"...it took years (can I say that with a capital Y?) before I was able to so freely express my sexual self--familial hangups and societal taboos be damned!

To love courageously is never foolish, but to take advantage of that love is another story...

Beautifully stated...thank you for sharing!

To Be or Not to Be (That REALLY is the Question) -- The focus with so many of us is ‘How can we get what we want’ but it really should be ‘How you can be what you want to get’. This way the focus is not so much the other individual but on how we can be attractive to the one we are trying to attract. And this is not about physical appearance (which is a very small part of the big picture) but mostly about emotional and spiritual appearance. People are so narrowly focused: ‘I want’ this and ‘I want’ that. But the real issue is you need *to be* who you want. If you want someone who is loving, caring, spiritual, etc., etc., then you have *to be* that to attract who you are looking for. Because that person you are looking for…. he/she is looking for the same thing too!

Before you can "be" who you seek, you must know who you "be"! Roy believes that you know who you are and that's it! I believe that first, we must peel away all the layers of social conditioning to understand what you dont' "be", before you can begin knowing who you "be" This is an evolutionary process that takes many of us from just a bundle of proteins to one-celled organism and beyond... You choices, based upon who you "be", will dictate who you be with, an amoeba or a fully evolved person. The narrow focus you mention, in my opinion, is from people not knowing who they "be", they just think they do.

I read pulling the plug and would like to know in regards to doing that do you have closure or do you just drop a person like its hot without communication...If so why?If no why not and is this healthy?

Myths and illusion continue to surround our concept of our perfect mate or loving marital relationship. Life changes and people change with it. Each of us must recognize that the other is an imperfect human being, and learn what is realistic to expect. In my opinion the Man or Woman of your dream does not exist. When we first meet someone we are excited, it's new, fun and it feel great. We all have these expectation and illusions of him or her which in reality is a dream itself.

I don't believe its the reality of meeting your dream man or woman as one author stated find a mature love. "To simplify the matter, love can be sorted into two categories; mature and immature love. Mature relationships are full of energy. You Find the time to do almost everything you want to do." When you have a mature lover you enjoy each other, but you allow the spirit of compromise and a sense of humor to permeate you relationship. You want to please each other.

In an immature relationship one partner repeatedly asks, "Do you love me? Do you really love me?" In some cases immature love will blossom into rewarding and lasting mature love. So this so call dream man or woman may start out mature and become angry and hostile. It is important to know that a mature relationship is always a work in progress. Sex and love are important, but not as important as having a partner who appreciates you and can be trusted. A healthy relationship is two people who are committed to each other's growth over a lifetime.

Loving anyone involves elements of intellect, emotion, and activity. Loving you partner means more than pleasure of just being together. It involves active concern for each other's emotional, physical, and material needs.

The process of an healthy relationships includes great risk. We let other know us when we speak honestly of our feelings. Vulnerability accompanies self disclosure. The process of mature healthy love includes periods of indifference and animosity. Therefore, since love cannot sustain the same intensity over time, there is a need for two people to work together to get through the difficult times that will inevitably arise. In a healthy relationship you both can come to terms with occasional boundary violation without throwing your partner away or diminishing yourself in some way.

In conclusion to have and handle a healthy relationship one must have communication, trust, intimacy, and openness to change, among other things, and this will hold any worthwhile relationship together. So can you handle that?

For the most part, we are socialized to believe that relationships have to persist, despite all odds, particularily, in terms of marriage, it's supposed to last forever. But, looking at the relationship landscape, we see that's it is hardly the case.

I believe that people come into our lives to take us to a certian place, for a reson, a season, or a lifetime. What and where the experience takes us is dependent upon the individuals involved. However, in my view, love and relationships are choices we make, and choices that we willfully make again and again. When that choice becomes and obligation the nature of the relationship changes.

In ending a relationship, of course, there shuld be communication. But, this is easier said than done. communication is more than just talking, it's mutual self relevation. Not many of us get there. And, depending on the people involved commuication can be futile.

Relationships should be self affirming. Through relationships we should become the best version of ourselves. Staying in a relationship that does not achieve those ends is unhealthy and self defeating.

To what degree that you can handle anything really depends upon your frame of refernece. Communication, trust, intimacy, etc have a completely different meaning to me now than at the beginning of my previous marriage of 18 years ago. What you can handle depends upon who you are at that moment.

I love black women, I really do. But on a whole, at least the one's I have dated, it takes too much unnecessary energy to make ya'll happy. I'm a brotha that's trying to stay focus with my eye on the prize. Build a future so I can effectively start and support a family. I often find myself distracted by trivial matters that set me back on a daily. I believe that every day counts. Make every day matter. Pulling me into drama that's self-created is very counter-productive. I'm 43 and don't have time for childishness. It almost feels like sistas resent my focus and want to constantly test whether I care or not. So they create urgencies and watch and judge how I respond. "Jumping through hoops" is probably the technical word for it. I'm not saying that I don't want to be helpful and caring and step up to the plate when something happens that serious but I don't want to be your father either. Sistas need to decide whether they want to be truly independent or be a partner in building something. What I am finding is that we're all mixed up now in the 21 Century. Many sistas want all the benefits of being a man and all the benefits of being a woman. You can't have both without the man feeling like "what's left for me". The man gets starved out and sex doesn't correct the problem. I know many sistas think men are just animals and don't need much except food, water, and a little something, something. Even if your stuff is "golden" it does not make up for the void that is created by a lopsided relationship or arrangement. I've invited sistas that I was dating that were in between places to temporarily come and live with me almost rent free and I can't even get a grilled cheese sandwich without it seeming like a burden. But that same person can ask me to pay for dinners, pay for car repairs, pay for car insurance, rent, cell phone service, etc. and then tell me that they don't need me after their bills are paid. To make matters worse, once they were in, they made me afraid of having my own friends over or to hang out. I became a prisoner in my own home mainly because of their own insecurities. That's not right. I'm a really cool guy. I can let you have your EX over if you're now just friends. We're supposed to be adults but must of us (including men) are acting like kids. I've thought about straying to spanish girls, asian, or something other than sistas but I love sistas and I'm keeping hope alive. But my hope is fading fast. Some brotha won't be missed if we lose them but I think it would be a tragedy for our race to keep losing good brothas. Every brotha is not a cheater. Every brotha is not on the DL. There are good brothas right here but sistas need to stop believing their own story and get real. The bottom line is we as a people have a lot of growing to do. Until we do, maybe we are doing ourselves a disservice by trying to be together. Most of us can do bad all by ourselves. One of my clients is a R&B singer and he made a statement that had me thinking. His statement was that sistas think they are closer to GOD than brothas are so they believe they are almost perfect. Then I thought about the patterns of my relationships. In almost every relationship, I was the one that needed to work on myself. I had a house, nice car, good education, good parents, athletic, well respected, no kids, but a sista could always uncover some flaw that she would magnified to the point where even I became temporarily alarmed. Then I would be forced to turn the magnifying glass on her and all hell would break loose. "How dare you examine me, you're the one with the problem!" The said part is that I would have taken most of them with their flaws had they themselves not been so discriminating. My advise is be who you want in your life. If you want a man with a successful career, have one yourself. If you want a man that's smart, make sure your IQ is tight. One of the female comedians on Jamie Fox's, "Laffpalooza" said she started making a list of the things she wanted in a man and after she was done, she concluded that her ideal man would be too good. She had some things to work on like getting her GED. There are brothas out there that will take you sistas "as-is" if you both can commit to helping each other be better people. Coming to a relationship with a superior attitude or unrealistic expectations for who you actually are, not who you think you are, will never work and is counter-productive. All it will do is turn a good guy into a dog or turn a guy committed to being succesful into a brotha that sits in the living room watching Jerry Springer and playing XBOX all day. This is my advice to sistas but don't think that I think men don't have a lot of shaping up to do.

My answer to this question is "no". Traditional relationship need to be much more flexible than they were in the past. Personally, I believe that relationships need to be run more like businesses. Each relationship requires a negotiation and a taking of inventory of both partner's strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes, goals and opportunities, and a strategy should be drafted. Like a Mission and Vision statement. Times have changed. The opportunities available to women have changed. Even if the women's job is not more substantial than your, you should still be negotiating a "fair" arrangement so that one person is not completely overwhelmed while the other person is reading the newspaper sipping on tea. In the past, I admit that many women settled for arrangements that weren't necessarily fair. The answer isn't to make men pay and expect them to do most of the chores. That would be just as trifling. And men, raising kids is a CEO level job so stop thinking because you pay the bills, you don't have to change a diaper every now and then. Besides, what better way to bond with your newborn than to experience the joy of changing his or her diaper. I'm not saying that if you meet someone that is interested in fulfilling the traditional roles of a women you should change everything. What I am saying is don't expect every women you meet to automatically fulfil those roles. It's a negotiation. I do believe that women tend to be better at certain things than men. I don't think most women would want to take care of the lawn or clean the gutters, or change a tire, or check the anti-freeze levels. So put all the cards on the table in the beginning of the relationship and divvy them up in a way that you are the most effective couple you can be. Renegotiations may be necessary as you situation changes. So if you're the better cook, don't torture yourself and the kids with her cooking, put the apron on and whip something up. In exchange, your wife better learn how to start the lawnmower. In the end, negotiate a fair deal for both sides or no one will be happy in the longrun.

i give thanks to our CREATOR for using the 3 of you as channels/instruments (angelo,roy & marc) for a much dire needed platform providing dialogue between us... so that we may "comeback" together & do the work that is to be done for the sake of our future...OUR CHILDREN...continued blessings & success in ALL ENDEAVORS...gwendolyn ngozi

...a poetic expression i would like to share:

On a wonderful wet Wednesday SPIRIT waxed me to write:

EMBRACEABLE REFLECTIONS

When you say & do things I don’t like, and
I sense my irritability taking flight…
I become aware of THE LIGHT.
THE LIGHT WITHIN you that reflects me.

I see me and I say OHH!...that’s me – UGLY
I realize within moments, and I seize the opportunity
To EMBRACE that part of ME…

Only in doing so, I AM able to embrace that part of you, thus
TO EMBRACE ALL of me – the good, the bad & the ugly
BLESSES me TO EMBRACE ALL of YOU…

EMBRACEABLE REFLECTIONS

Standing IN LOVE…ngozi copyright © 2004

I agree with Ernest and I'm a woman. There are women that are in my "inner circle" and women in my "outer circle". The women in my inner circle arelike-minded in their optimism about the world, relationships, goals, work and balance. They have men in their lives in a way that is satisfying for them. Some are in committed relationships, some like me are dating. The women in my outer circle are women who can be fun to hang out with every now and then but their general attitude about men stinks and I don't want to be infected. "Dating" is not a bad word...by the way for me dating is about finally being out of an unhealthy long-term relationship. I want to meet different men that live more in line with my own goals, values and sense of fun. Despite the fact that I have scars from a burn as a child, some people are in awe of the way I attract men. I like men and that's the vibe that men feel. I believe that there are awesome men out there and there are louses..they come in all shapes and colors. I believe that too many women think that men have to "pay" for their company. I think it causes resentment in men and keeps some of them from even wanting to ask a woman out. Women, we are the prize but so are our men. The gift that we are to them and the gift that they are to us depends on what we have in common and the needs we have within a relationship. The gift you'd bring to a Chritening or Bar-Mitvah is not the same as the gift you'd give your grandma on her 90th birthday. The gifts have to match the occassion. So go on, see yourself as a lovely gift and position yourself with gifts that suit the same occassion.
If you're looking for a goal-oriented, loving, hard-working and fun partner, you must be all of those things yourself. Your relationships will be filled with whatever you bring to the table. You would never consider going to someone's home without a token of appreciation like a bottle of wine or a dessert so why would you think that it's okay to come into the dating world empty-handed?

I share Zephie's sentiments! How we come into a relationship is a reflection of who we are. Relationships are experiences that can show us the best or worst of ourselves. Our relationshjp with orselves is reflected in our relationships with others. Unfortunately, too many of us are into what we can get out as opposed to what we can give.

In response to Ernest, we must also take responsibility for our choices. If we find that we are having the same relationship outcomes then we must examine the why of our choices. This is not a casual exercise, this requires some indepth analysis. However, knowing what's really behind our choices can keep us from repeating past mstakes.

Men and women as gifts, offering to one another...love the metaphor, love the author!

Thank you Gwendolyn for your kind words. Angelo has often said that relationships can be vechicles for personal growth, if we choose. Your poetry speaks to this.

"All About Love" is a great book. Everyone interested in love should have to read this book. I couldn't put it down. I even bought a few copies and gave it to a few people that were trying to figure out what was going wrong in their love-life. Bell Hooks should be on tour or have a tv show, she's that good. Read it even if you think you know what love is about.

Love is forgetting about yourself, love is not selfish, love does not look for fights or a winner, love involves two people giving of themselves for the betterment of the other. It's vitally important to see that love is a commitment and not a feeling. The feeling of love can come and go, but true love does not change or wavier. Too many poeple today think that love is what can you do for me, when it needs to be what can I do for you. All humans were made to give, as a society we respect those who give, whether its money or talents. Love fills us but to experience true love we must first empty ourselves for the sake of another.

What love really is, we, as a society have been conditioned to seek the opposite. Love becomes possession, control, domination, an attempt to fulfill an unwholesome self.

It's like the difference between a grape and grape flavoring. Most prefer the flavoring because they have never savored the real fruit. It's one thing to really love, it's another to find another who can joyfully accept it. Real love can be frightening to the uninitiated.

I believe that knowing yourself plays a major part of finding the right person for yourself. If you dont know who you are and what your looking for than how can another person start to form a relationship with you. I alway said you have to love yourself first before you can love someone else.

How do you come to love yourself in a society where your worth comes from not who you are, but from what you have or what you do?

I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed reading the articles on what are men thinking. Sometimes I feel like they all read from the same book. But I also agree that there are alot of good men out there. Sometimes they are just hard to find. I believe that their is someone out there for everyone. Everyone deserves a chance at love and happiness. When true love comes your way you will know it.

comming from a wonam take these ten reasons and run with them and use them to your advantage.

Love is being able to live with out someone, but not want to. Love is the feeling you get when you finish a task and you get that rush of relief, Love feels the same way. When all you can do is think about the other person that makes you who you are, and reminds you why you are the person that you've become. Love is beliving in someone when they don't believe tin themselves. Love is a union, but a union of two bodies, minds, and souls.

Instead of looking for that ideal person, who most likely does not exist, you must first become what you seek. Then, they will find you...

It's not about gaining advantage, nor scoring points, but gaining insight into the frames or reference both men and women have that get in the way of meaningful relationships. We must become what we seek...

Healthy love can certianly be a self-affirming force. However, we must be aware of such variables as knowing yourself, taking responsibility of our choices, talking the same language as your partner, among others, that have nothing to do with love per, but have everything to do with if you ever attain it.

I agree with the definition of dating as a friendship with someone and a time to learn about oneself as well. I think that as long as you are explaining what your definition is for dating to your partner everyone is on the same page. But what happens if feelings/interest began to grow in one person and not the other? Should you call off the friendship or continue? It has to either end or continue at a certain point but you don't want to loose friendship if you decide not to be in a relationship. One should not choose to lead the other on, knowing how both people feel. In a situation as this I wouldn't want to loose a good friend due to feelings that are not mutual between the two. Will this ruin the friendship/relationship?

Friendship should transcend any relationship. Being true to who you are should be the cornerstone of any relationship, whether a friendship or a romantic union. In a true friendship, an individuals right to choose, even if that choice does not include the other individual, should not only be respected but encouraged. Why would you want to hold on to someone when they do not want to? This is destructive self interest, not self affirming for either party.

Now-a-days marriage is sort of a joke. Especially with celebrities, they are the biggest colpritof marriages gone bad. People are marring younger and have been with a person for a shorter amount of time when the marriage topic comes up. I have been with my boyfirend for 4 years and we lived together for 1 year. Even though we think we will marry each other in the future, we are not ready to do that now, or maybe not at all in the future. I still think we need a couple more years together before marrying. We do have our fair share of fights but that is a relationship, you aren't going to agree all the time, but I feel people just result in divorce rather than trying to mend the relationship, whether its going to counseling or whatever. I feel people just jump into a divorce.

We have these idyllic concepts of love and marriage, most likely appropriated from an advertizing campaign or some love song or movie that have nothing to do with reality. Marriage as it is currently practiced in too many instances does not take us where we say we want to go. This is confirmend by the dismal statistics for divorce and relationships in general.

Marriage is an instition, a symbol, a public declaration of a spiritual committment that occurs between the souls of a man and a woman, at least in most states. Marriage does not transform two people, they, in my opinion transform the marriage. It is the people that make it work. However, if the necessary work, required of any relationship, is not done, and there are many examples of what's entailed on this site, then marriage becomes an empty slogan.

Marriage should enable and allow us to become the best version of thenmselves, not mire the particiants in unfulfilled expectations and hopelessness. We must trasncend the plethora of relationship cliches that we live and hope by and look within to begin to create meaningfulness with another individual.

I agree with the fact that you mus know who you are before establishing a relationship. If you do not know your true selfs, and your likes/dislikes, then how are you supposed to make a relationship work. If you go into a relationship not knowing certain "important" things about yourself, that is when tension begins to form between you and your partner. You begin to realize things about yourself that you didnt know, but more importantly the person you are with will begin to realize that you are a different person then you were at the start. They say that opposites attract...that may be true, but I do not think that they last. When you know your true self, and you find someone that has a lot in common with those same beliefs, that is the beginning of a successfull relationship.

In The F.L.O.W., we say the knowing yourself is a journey not a destination. It is more than likes and dislikes, it's understanding the underlying reasons why certian choices are made in relationships.

Are you really trying to connect in a meaningful way with another person or are you looking for your daddy? It only through deep introspection and taking responsibility for your choices and their outcomes will you come to any real conclusion. This is all part of knowing who you are that enables you to make conscious choices regarding relationships, as opposed to acting on some magical feeling.

I think these ten reasons are absolutely true when it comes to relationships. From my past expaerince with no good brothas, you would think that I learned to leave those type of guyes alone. But for some reason I find myself still attracting and dating them. Me personally I think some men are intimidated that more women are independent and dont have to rely on them to survive. So men are feeling less useful.

It's more than just learning from your past, it's why you make the same relationship choices again and again. To often we are working out unresolved personal issues in our relationships that have nothing to do with the other person. To understand and take responsibility for your choices potentially leads to better relationship outcomes. Otherwise, you are asking another to resolve issues that only you can. In The F.L.O.W., we say "if looking for Mr/Mrs Right, first look within.."

LOVE IS SOMETHING THAT A PERSON CAN NOT CONTROL. WHEN YOU ARE HURT AND WANT TO FORGET THAT INDIVIDUAL THE LOVE IS NEVER LOST BUT HAS TO BE DISPLACED.YOU MAY WANT TO FORGET THEM BUT THEY ARE ALWAYS ON YOUR MIND.TO ADD, I AGREE THAT PEOPLE ARE SET TO BELIEVE THAT THEY HAVE TO LOVE SO THEY ARE ALWAYS LOOKING FOR IT EVEN IF THEY NEVER REALLY KNOW THE TRUE FEELING OF LOVE.

Love is a choice, but a choice based on what,a movie, a love song, a disfunctional upbringing? We should be very clear about what we call love. What someone offers as love, to me may look like a wet mop. Are we really loving or just loving ourselves?

We all know good communication is at the heart of every good relationship. Whether it's been a wonderful or a rotten day, whether there's been a crisis or a triumph, sharing it in words makes you and your partner feel more understood, more appreciated, more loved. The ability to communicate well is the most important relationship skill of all.

The operative word is "good communication", first, we must know what it is, It's not just talking. It requires an emotional availablity that many women and most men have not experienced, in my opinion. Personally, it has only been in the last few years that I have come to understand and attempt to practice this.

I read the articles on what men think. Everyone cheats men and women, both are violaters. Men are usually faithful until their trust is broken. After that, it is hard to put trust in another.As long as you are ok with yourself, fate will take over.

It is important to know who you are before entering in a serious relationship. When you really know who you are and have accomplished your goals you are a better person that can commit and develop a healthy relationship that can lead to a solid marriage.

I believe that the Internet has made it much easier for people to find what they're looking for in relationships. It can be healthy as a mechanism, it can also offer discretion, but there is also negativity which shows that men may only be looking for one thing, but that's a stereotype, and it's not true in 100% of the cases.

It is important to know who you are before entering in a serious relationship. When you really know who you are and have accomplished your goals you are a better person that can commit and develop a healthy relationship that can lead to a solid marriage.

I think its great that you try to answer the many questions people have about relationships and offer them some wisdom!

As you note, the instituion of marriage is far from being endangered, I have been married for 25 years, there have been ups and downs. I love my wife more today than when we made our vows, and wouldn't trade in any of the ups or the downs!

I agree that the internet is a great place for making connnections, however taking the time to access the quality of the connections is important, as it would be in meeting someone in person.

I find that many of men and women on internet dating sites are both looking for "one thing." And if that's what sought, it's easy to find. but, again making a meaningful connection takes time, not only in getting to know the other person, but in getting to know who you are as well. Knowing who you are is the key to knowing who you seek.

I'm not really sure what love is but I know that I felt it once in my five year relationship. Now, I'm looking for love and I know its wrong because my entire life is dedicated to finding it. I need to learn to live life the way I want it with out the boundaries of love.

After reading this passage, I feel lucky now knowing that what my boyfriend and I have is real. I have been with him for a while and we are very open with eachother sexually. Nothing, gets held back because if we cannot pleasure eachother then another factor will arise...cheating! I am also shocked that nowadays people are still not communicating with their partners on a sexual level. Ladies and Men, keep it extremely real with your partner, both of you will benefit from it, trust me!

I have been a relationship addicted person. Sometimes i still feel like in order for me to feel secure, i need partner. I know that this is not healthy but this is how its always been for me. I figure i'll break out of this need in the future, but i am definitely not getting any younger!

i really enjoyed the website What are men thinking, and also the article getting to know someone it gave some very interesting points.

I have been married for just over a year and I think that the fact that married people are outnumbered is a postive thing. Marriage is very sacred and if people choose not to get married for "economic reasons" then maybe they shouldn't be married. So many people rush into relationships and marriage without truly knowing the other person, maybe the "econimic" excuse is not so bad.

I am just walking away from an 8 year marriage and at no point was it about him taking care of me but of us taking care of each other. We obviously failed to do that...hence the divorce. However time and age played a big role in changing us as a couple and individuals, the purpous for each changed at some point and we failed to recognize it. I feel my purpose in a relationship is to share every and all parts of my life with the other person and to enjoy doing so. To let them in....

What is the process of knowning yourself? Do you ever completely know who you are, or does who you are change with your experiences.

Many have been socialize to view sex as sinful, first, through our upbrining and secondly, through religion. So, sexually expression, verbally and definitely physically has been demonized resulting in a host of sexual dysfunctions and pathologies.

I am lucky enough to not have been one of these types of people, however I have witnessed people who have been in these types of relationships. I feel that these people stay in these relationship because they most likely lack confidence and are afraid to be alone. They constantly need the attention from a partner, whether they love them or not, to feel worthy. This is very unhealthy and in the end this relationship will not last anyways.

Love is a feeling in which we all go through throughout our lives. There are many variations of love. There is the love between family, friends, and the love between two individuals who are committed to each other. It's tough to define the term love as just one specific definition. Everyone has their own definition of love, but whatever it may be, we all experience love at some point in our lifetime.

Many people dont realize the importance of web sites like this one that help many people gain confidence in looking for a relationship. I think it's something good to have as long as people know how to make good use of it.

I think that it is very important to know and love yourself before you can be in a serious relationship with somebody. You need to know your limits, what makes you happy, what makes you sad, etc. Once you are conent with the life you led before entering a relationship than you can really focus on the important things that you are about to embark on. It is completely true that you need to love yourself before loving anybody else.

I think it is vital for any relationship to be open and honest with your partner. My girlfriend and I are extremly upfront with one another especially in terms of sexually expressing ourselves. However, it wasnt always this way, it was something that took a great deal of time and trust. I am happy that we didnt just jump into things right away. And over the course of that time we were able to develop a relationship that we both now feel completely comfortable in and are never hesitant to voice eachothers feelings. Furthermore, take the time to get to know your partners views and honor and respect eacothers feelings.Ultimately, try to come to a mutual union and understanding where both of you can feel comfortable and never hold things back from one another.

The site provided a lot of useful information on relationships. Thanks

It's my opinion that relationships today are so much more complex than in the past. There are so many more components that go into a relationship now. It's no longer as easy as you meet, you fall in love, you marry. There are standards by which we chose our partners that go beyond just loving someone. Do they make enough money, do they have stability, are they disease free (as sad as that sounds)? In the end it seems that we must carry a checklist of our own criteria for someone to meet in order to consider them "relationship material".

Communication is the forte that holds any relationship. We must understand that communication isn’t only speaking to each other about our day, but speaking to our other half with true feeling about any issue, circumstance, concern or matter. Once one could honestly speak about their matter whether it is good or bad, I think you are on the road to a healthy relationship.

I wanted to post a comment on the site. I overall thought the site was genuinely done and it looks great. I didn't read any of the relationship forums because to me everyone tries to define a relationship, but because we are humans and not perfect there will never be a perfect relationship or a way to master it, although we try, and I give those that do try an A for effort. Instead, I went to another FLOW site called Talk Sex with Sue Johanson and I went into the Sexuality News because I like facts and I like to learn and be aware of different things because even if I can't be in a perfect relationship I want to have somewhat perfect knowledge of myself and well being when dealing with a partner. I found Sexuality News to be very informative because I didn't know that herpes is the leading cause in infectious blindness in the U.S., but now I do and I am grateful. I wouldn't change a thing about the website, may you continue to be blessed in all that you do and thanks for taking the time out to read my post.

Though there may be many more variables to consider today in choosing a partner. I think that there is a greater likelyhood of developing a relationship based upon love, intimacy, communication that there were in the past, where relationships that were more based upon tradition, duty and social convention.

I've been with my boyfriend for four years. It took us awhile to get so comfortable with trying different techniques that please us in different ways but that type of communication is so important. Once you can get to that level it establishes almost a new level in your relationship. If theres something we may not be able to talk about face to face (regarding technique/ positions/ advice/ strategies) once we get to that heat of the moment time, it's like we can read eachothers minds. Together we're equally willing open to satisfy eachother.

I enjoyed reading all of the articles, however, my favorite article was Atract Love. This article explains, and/or reminds men the different things that women are looking for in a man, or in a relationship. It's always good to read about one's opinion on subjects such as these. Websites like this one, gives one the opportunity to express feelings more freely. It opens more doors.

I think this website is great. It is always good to read about different aspects of relationships and what people are thinking when they do certain things. I will enjoy seeing The Flow in class on Tuesday

I don't feel that anybody is capable of having a positive healthy relationship with another person if they don't have a positive and healthy relationship with theirself. It is essential to know who you are and what you stand for. It is also important to understand the events that have gone on in your life as well. This will help you to realize and try to understand why you make the choices you do (in actions and in people).Are you seeking a mother/father figure? Or are you generally interested in the person for who they are and how they make you feel?
You don't have to find a person that is exactly like you. However, sharing the same values, beliefs and goals can contribute to a strong foundation. If you don't know your true self how will you know if you have these things in common or if this person is truly you Mr/Ms Right?

I read the article "What are men thinking." It was interesting to see the questions that poeple had about their relationships or situations in general. It was interesting to see the responses that were given to the people's questions.

i agree ALOT with the statement that communiation needs to be established in the beginning of the relationship. communication is so important, it's almost like it hold a relationship together. if you dont know how to talk to your partner, you have nothing.

i commented a second ago, but forgot to put my school, so ill add more so that i get credit this time. my boyfriend and i used to have a lot of issues regarding communication. i always wanted to talk about a problem, and he never did. he'd rather go his serperate ways after a fight or if he was mad and see my in a day or two untill he was calmed down. even then he wouldnt talk though because he said if he did it would just get him upset again! thank god he finally realized how important communication is and is getting better with it.

Those of us who consider ourselves “complete” would deny any relationship merely to feel complete. It has been the overwhelming opinion of most visitors to this site that relationships are more likely to be successful when each person comes into the relationship “complete.” Yet, the question of “completeness” still comes up in many discussions. I consider myself “complete.” I have taken the time to know, accept, and love myself for who I am, the good and the bad. My life is full with family and friends. I have purpose. I have goals and desires that keep me active and alive. I am self sufficient. I am a spiritual person and give thanks to God for who I am, all I have, and for granting me another day in which to become... My driving force is love, in all things, including the love of a special man. I am complete. Yet, I want someone with whom I can share all the wonders of life. I need to love and be loved and for us to feel each other’s warmth and closeness. I need someone to confirm my being not to complete me. Two people encouraging each other to be the best they can be, that is the purpose of a relationship. In that type of relationship, yes there is commitment, companionship is a must, and of course, you care for each other. Because I care for you, what you lack I will supply and vice-a-versa. Let’s say you lack the self-confidence to face a certain situation, I will encourage and help you navigate through the barriers standing in your way in order that you may become the best you can be. I will not carry your load because that is yours to carry but I will help you, if I can, lift the load. Expectations, yes, there is one expectation, that I be treated the same.

If only we lived in a perfect world where everyone would read websites like these. Then perhaps there would be less date crimes etc. Its good to know what women want.

This comment is in regards to the internet dating post. I totally agree in what you said about making sure you know the person for a little while before you meet them, and also make sure it is in a public place. A lot of people use facebook now, which is an internet site for college students to meet other people through their current friends, and it is a great idea. But one thing that I have found out is that the pictures that people put up most of the time do not resemble themselves in real life, and it is fairly easy to be tricked into thinking someone is good looking when in reality they are not. I think that the internet dating sites are a good idea, but I also would tell people to be careful in who they meet on them, and not to give away to much personal information.

Crowell WPU

I enjoyed reading all of the usefull information on this website. I also feel that the internet is a beneficial tool to use when looking for a partner and reading about other peoples experiences is also a very good method to gather information.

I believe it is true, that one must know themselves before they can really know what they want in others. I think this not only pertains to Mr and Mrs Right, but with one's friends as well. We all look for friends, boyfriends/ girlfriends that have qualities in themselves that we have in ourself. The sooner one can find out who they are the quicker they can find someone with similar qualities.

My favorite site was What Are Men Thinking. I liked the idea of advice coming from straight men, who aren’t DOGS!!! They gave pretty good advice. As much as we feel we wont find a man, they still give us hope. i have mixed feelings about online datng, i think it isnt safe and at the same time i feel like if your a homeody, this gives you an oppurtunity to meet somebody in the comfort of your own home... ACQUAYE/WPU

I personally think this is great website that has a plethora of information and advice on topics such as love ( which is often hard to find now-a-days) and relationships. Personally , while reading some of the comments such as this website giving you confidence.....the only way you'll gain confidence in the dating world \ scene is to go out there and experiment, thats the only way . The problem now-adays with the internet and internet dating is that it is SO impersonal. Many men use the internet as a cruch , in my opinion that is absolutely pathetic. It seems that everyone is a 'player' or 'pimp' online but when it come down to actually meeting a person they are speechless. It's too easy and is seen to often to have an 'nice and sweet' message and send it to 10 girls on myspace. It's impersonal and pathetic. Get out there and go to a bar , church , the mall, a club and meet people. You shouldn't go these meeting places with expectation. Go in there nonchalant and just have a good time , enjoy yourself , a meet new and exciting pepole. The internet i feel should be blamed for the lack of people skills people lack when it comes to the dating game. Everything is just a game it's just that you have to be ready to take that gamble and have thick skin. There are more than enough fish in the sea and pratice makes perfect . Those are thing you absolutely have to remember when dating in this day and age. There is only one you and don't confuse that with your online facade because when it's time at bat , you wont be ready to swing. (regarding face to face interactions.)

I really enjoyed the website it gives people knowledge about relationships and shares many intresting articles. Websites like this one help people with their own relationships and lets them express there feelings.

I really enjoyed all of the articles I read, but I especially like what was said about internet dating. I agree that the internet can be a good place to met people. You can probably get a better idea about who someone is by spending time talking with him or her on the internet then you might in a one time meeting prior to going on a date. When you spend time talking with someone before you actually meet them, it gives you a better opportunity, (as long they are being honest) to decide if they have the qualities that you feel you need in a partner.

Very interesting stuff, many good and in depth questions. I would also like to thank you guys for the presentation given tonight it was good and interactive.

I have been a relationship for four years until two months ago. Honestly I saw the relationship going down hill months prior to the official break up. I felt like I had to make the relationship work. I did not want to feel like a failure. There were many other reasons for me feeling like I had to stay in this relationship such as, embarrassment from my family, having to start all over again with someone new, and giving another women the opportunity to have my man who I know has improved in many ways because of me. Now she gets to reap those benefits. Eventually I had to realize that I had to let him go. Abdullah,NailahWPU

Love is definitely not a magical feeling or experience. If you have made the right choice, however, love can and should be filled with magical moments. Sometimes, we must be still and allow ourselves to feel.

After my marriage of eighteen years, I have become much clearer as to what relationships should do, or what is its purpose. What resonates for me, from the book "The Seven Levels of Intimacy" is that the purpose of a relationship is for each to assist the other in becoming the best verson of themselves. It's not that our partners are responsible for our personal development, but any union, I think, should certianly facilitate or enhance the process. If you find you must compromise who you are to remain in a union, then we need to redefine it. It is not serving it's purpose. Too often we find our relationships held hostage by the expectations of others. It takes courage to act in our own behalf against such entrenched social conventions that relationships MUST last against all odds.

At no time should you negate your feelings, however, I believe, it is more healthy in the long run if those feelings come from a legimate place. Not from a tingliing in your toes, or a fond memory from a hollywood movie, or from a blind attempt to make it what YOU want it to be, but from a place that is self affirming and honors who you are.

What's more legitimate than the soul? Also, I like it when my toes tingle. While I believe an intellectual examination of relationships is not only important but necessary, I also believe we must not lose sight of the human need to be loved, even in a most crude sense.

I don’t think we truly know ourselves 100% because depending on different experiences and points of references new emotions can arise causing one to question where did that come from, why am I feeling this way, etc. I think as human beings we should all except that personal growth is a continuous process....a journey through life. And the lessons we learn from the journey should enlighten us. I think through reflection and self-evaluations we can learn to accept ourselves....good, bad and indifferent.......become comfortable in our own skin. That to me is the beginning of having a healthy relationship with self. No one is perfect and no one is without contribution to an issue. When we acknowledge and take responsibility for our actions we can begin to grow towards making the necessary adjustments for a healthy emotional life.

I've often said that knowing yourself is a journey not a destination. But a task that requires constant attention. However, as we come into a better understanding of who we are, the more comfortable we become in our own skins and the more aware we become of our own personal power. Acknowledging personal power is the impetus for taking real responsibility for our actions.

Real love is a spiritual connection, though it can result in the "tingling of the toes it trancends the physical." True love, I believe has a lasting effect upon the spirit whose effect is beyond any fleeting physical
reaction. If that is what you seek, then you are hooked upon something that is not love. Too often, to love, in the "crude sense" is just that crude, transcient, unfulfilling, and even self-defeating.

Calling it real love or true love is the same as saying "the honest truth." I too believe love is only possible between two people who have made a spiritual connection. Even then, the relationship or that love needs to be nurtured. Love can be experienced on any and all levels. By crude, I mean raw, unrefined, basic, simple, uncomplicated. Sometimes love and joy can be found in the simplest things in life, like when your toes tingle. We should not overlook but enjoy the eloquence of simplicity. Relationships sometimes end but love transcends all and is everlasting.

I also agree that there need to be a connection for emotions to grow into love. Does it have to be spiritual right away....I think not. As u get to know one another I believe that will become evident what life the relationship will take on. The need to examine relationships on an intellectual basis is evident of failed romantic relationships on all levels and relationships in general. The analysis does help put a name to an emotion, give a reason for such feelings and generally put things in perspective. But feelings are just that and no matter how often we try to intellectualize them, sometimes you just have to “go thru it”. That it is the wonderful thing that makes us human beings. I agree with Marc that we should not negate our feelings. At the same time Linda makes a valid point also.......I like my toes to tingle too! And when they didn’t tingle I knew it wasn’t that kind of connection. I believe that true love touches your heart and soul to the very core of your being and it does need to be nurtured....nothing in relationships should be left to “automatic” if it is of value to u. I think we all have seen mature couples that have been married for years that still have that twinkle in there eye for each other. You can get a real sense that they have true love and their toes still “tingle”. We should be asking them how they did it.

As quiet as it's kept, the fundamental basis of all relationships is spiritual. I believe, we are spiritual beings having physical experiences. Life is a series of relationships and a romantic relationship is just one of many of those experiences. To what end is another discussion...

Ah, romance! It can be tricky. I’ve always thought of romance as a natural byproduct of caring or nurturing. Romance can but does not need be staged. Someone might have “cared” enough to sky write your name across the sky. Is this romance? Someone may have “cared” to invite you to share a beautiful moonlit evening. Is this romance? Is romance a perfect evening filled with good music, silk, lace, aphrodisiacs, and intoxicating scents? Romance has a different meaning for each of us. For me, romance is a thoughtful, creative expression of ones feelings that says, I care for you. Romance in a relationship keeps the flames burning and just makes you feel good! At this very moment I’m thinking of romantic ways to show the man in my life just how special he is because I “care.” It gets tricky, however, when we foolishly allow ourselves to be blinded by romance. Sometimes we expect our relationships to be endlessly filled with skywriting, perfect settings, and sensual encounters. It’s hard to maintain that type of existence and when faced with reality, we end up wondering what happened to the romance. Romantic relationships very often do not last because they are superficial and not grounded in reality. It is so important to allow relationships to develop and to get to know the practical, everyday existence of your partner. When you do, your partner’s thoughtful, creative expressions are more meaningful and you will experience and appreciate romance even more. If you care more about the romance than your partner, you probably need to reassess your relationship.

Everyone at some point is angry even......

Good men and good women.......What does that mean? Does it mean that because I am a good person, I pay my bills, I work everyday, I take care of family, I try to be nice to others, I don’t cheat on my wife/husband, etc.......... does that mean that I have good interpersonal skills, good relationships skill. No it does not. It means just what it is.......you are nice. It is not enough to just be a good/nice person these days. You have to learn to deal with other people, deal with adversity, deal with the challenges of life whether it be in a relationships with husband, children, significant other, coworkers, employer etc. Having been in careers that required direct dealings with people, I have learned that no matter who you are, people want to be treated with respect. Respect means something different to everyone. But the one constant within the circle of respect is people want to be acknowledged and heard. And when they are not acknowledged and heard, people become frustrated, angry and distrust. Egos and pride get in the way of finding resolution. Everyone plays the “blame game” and before u know it has escalated into something far more serious than what it started out. I think that is why black women and black men equally are angry, especially those of us that consider ourselves as “good” men and women. When I say that I mean the people that are looking at having a healthy connection/ relationship with someone. Relationships on any level whether it be with your siblings, spouse, companion mother, father, etc...............take work It takes ownership of the issues......acknowledgment of your own feelings and attitudes that may need adjustment, it takes listening/hearing what the person is saying/feeling......communication/their language of love, it takes vulnerability, being open...... letting your guard down and letting go of ego/pride, it takes the “willingness” to make it work......the value this person brings to the relationship, to you. It is a lesson of humility, trust and honesty. No one, man, woman or child wants to be treated as though what they feel or think does not matter. Also, I think man, woman or child, everyone wants to be treated like they matter and are wanted in that person’s life/world. When that ceases to happen the break down of the relationship begins.

I was married for twenty two years and I came to one conclusion. When we get married we are usually attracted by the physical attributes and the lust it brings. But what we really need and desire cannot be seen, it can only be learned. What we are doing is feeling our way around blindfolded, sometimes the journey is mutual and the marriage works and sometimes what we thought we wanted from the other person never surfaces. Before two people marry, each person should discuss what his / her expectations are. Both couples need to make sure that they're are not getting married just because of the ceremony.

I believe that all addictions stem from something that is missing within in ourselves and as long as we have something to occupy our minds we don't have to focus on what's really troubling us.

I agree with you Corletha, but the real issue is that too many of us do not have the relationship skills that embody your comments. I have only recently become aware of those skills, and only after much soul searching and 18 years of marriage, and I'm sure that I still have alot to learn. Our upbringing and society served, and still serves as imperfect models of meaningful, self-affirming relationships. I believe that we must constantly look within to light our path.

It's like a bait and switch that we play with ourselves. We go into a relationships thinking we are going to get one thing and come away with something very different. Until we deal with what's missing within ourselves, we will always be asking "where's the beef."

From birth as little girls we are told and read stories about a knight in shining armor coming to rescue us and take care of us. The seed is then planted and we grow up thinking that all we need in a relationship is a man to take care of us. When we begin to look for a mate / knight we have high expectations. His occupation must yield a certain amount of money. He must drive a certain car, own his own home, and have a sound mind. In addition he must take care of us. Now the table has been set, we are waiting patiently. He walks through the door meeting our expections. After he lays his worldly goods on the table he asks, "What did you bring." We are shocked when we realize he requires something from us. We wonder why our beauty is not enough. We then lay our goods on the table (part-time job, lives with mom, takes the bus, depression). Our knight quickly packs up his goods and leaves. We re-examine ourselves and realize we should never ask for more than we can bring to the table.

Angelo, Roy and Marc

I listened to your show last night and I wanted to say congradulations on a job well done. I wish all three of you much success and pray that you are able to reach more males....
I also want to say that I love this site. Angelo, thank you for enlightening me. ****All the Best****

Theresa, I wanted to respond to your topic because it made me think about my own financial situation when I was first in a relationship with my exhusband. In the begining he was the provider, my money was my money. As the years passed the financial situation changed, there was no dialogue about the changes it just happended. Everything was split down the middle. If by some chance I didn't have my half of the money, oh well to bad he would not put my half in. This in turn caused many arguments. As time went on he made one big decision without discussing it with me that caused us to fall so deep into debt I thought we'd never get out.
What I learned from this experience is if I were to get into another serious relationship,I know the importance of laying the financial cards on the table. Also with more and more older men having younger children I must take into consideration that no matter what, they still have to pay child support which can be nearly half of what they make, depending on how many children they have. Life throws all kinds of monkey wrenches in the ring that can change our financial situation. Communication is the best remedy.

In response to internet dating....I have to say it
has become one of the most interesting things I have done. I sometimes think that it is a playground for cyber players and playetts but just as quickly I will talk to someone who's very intelligent and interesting. You do have to be careful not to wear your heart on your sleeve and look before leap.

Relationships like most things get old with time unless something is done to change them. We become comfortable in a relationship even when it no longer makes us happy. Sometimes the fear of loniless can make us tolerate the most intolerable situations. We have the tendency to stray within our own homes, we stop sleeping in the same room, we eat at different times, and we do things and go places without our mates. To an outsider it looks as if everything is perfect, but on the inside the marriage or relationship has resolved. Even after we physically end the relationship and go our separate ways, we forget to mourn what we once had, and we begin to search once again for something we may never find. More then likely it maybe something that we already had.

Beautifully stated. So, there is no such thing as a "failed" relationship. I believe that coming to this understanding is very important part of the healing process.

There comes a time when all of us cheat on our spouses or mates, whether by thought, word or dead. Circumstances can tempt us no matter how strong we think we are or how much we proclaim to love our significant other. Some say it's because something is missing in the marriage or relationship. Some say it's just because. Some say they've had affairs because they like the thrill of being caught. I myself have had two affairs in my life, one of the heart and a physical affair, both during my marriage. If asked why, I would have to say it was because something was lacking in my marriage. I often wonder if I had to do it over again knowing what I know now, would I stop myself from having the affair and work on my marriage or would I have the affair anyway.... I guess I'll never know...

I believe, and I have said this many times, that love is a choice, not an obligation. It's a choice that we should willingly make over and over again. So, anytime what we call love becomes somethng we feel obliged to do as opposed to what we choose to do, then it's become something else.

Many use Marriage/ relationships as a vechile to work out our personal issues. That other person in the relationship is just a prop. When the construct that we call a relationship fails, we seek other vechicles whether of the heart or physical. Relationships for the most part are about satisfying our own needs wrapped in an idealistic, socially induced fantasy, a riddle wrapped in a mystery. For too many, it's a nightmare from which we are unable to wake from, in that we repeat that same experience, just with another person over and over.

Whether in or out of cyberspace, you don't wear your heart on your sleeve and look before you leap.

Not only must you put your financial cards on the table, but, more importantly, BOTH you and your partner should actively seek to disclose who you are financially. If not, something is up.

Marc I agree with you. There are many lessons we are supposed to learn when we are in relationships and in life itself. It is up to us to embrace these lessons and learn from them and make changes when necessary. But on the other hand it is the changes that normally cause problems, because no matter how necessary change can be very uncomfortable. Although we know the outcome of change may be very positive, it is the process and transformation we have to go through that will cause us to remain stagnant.

Men Get Over It!

When a woman has her own and she allows a man of lesser means than herself in her life it is probably because she wants him. The operative word is “want”. And when a woman is in a place of “want” rather than “need”, she is usually ready to open her heart and soul to a man of character and integrity. Now don’t get me wrong....I am sure she wants someone that contributes to the quality of her life and also has goals/aspiration as well. But the bottom line will be that she likes what he is about and she “wants” him. I know most men will say that she doesn’t “need” me because she has all these worldly possessions, education, income..and more. All those things are very nice to have, but never, ever takes the place of having someone to give love to and receive love from. Men, get over yourselves. It need not be a power play between the sexes. It should be about how each of the genders feels with the other.....if he/she makes u laugh, forget u had a bad day, brings u flowers for no reason at all, rubs your back because u are stresses....etc. Sometimes and many times it’s the little things that we can do for one another that makes a huge difference in making our connections more meaningful. One more thing, just because someone needs u doesn’t always mean they love you. The quality of the relationship is so much better when it is from a place of “want” than “need”.

Do we need to reveal our love of God before we can truly love ourselves??

You pose a very abstract and complicatd question, to which my response may be an even more complicated answer.

I first must ask, who are we revealing the love of God to?

If to ourselves then I believe it is a personal understanding of what the love of God is.

God's love to us is forgiveness, acceptance and a desire that we prosper in all that we do.

It requires that we change the way we see ourselves to the way God sees us.

Our ability is now limitless because now we realize as the scripture says, "I can do ALL things through Christ who strenghtens me".

I can forgive myself. I can accept myself. I can love myself. And now because of my personal understanding and acceptance of God's love to me I can display this love to others.

Secondly, if revealing the love of God to others, I believe the same still applies.

If you have no understanding of the love of God how can you display the God kind of love to others.

I believe having a healthy, loving relationship with yourself (The Prime Relationship) is key to having a healthy love of God. Man is created in the "image and likeness of God", however, historically, man has cast the Creator in his own image and consequently all manner of atrocities have been committed in His name, from the witch hunts of the Inquisition, to Western slavery to 9/11, all in the name of "God."

How we see the Creator is a reflection of how we see ourselves. Getting in touch with the God within us is an exploration of who we are. To love ourselves in a healthy way is to delve into our humanity and behaviors seperate and apart from our social conditioning, parental, religious or otherwise. On this quest our God concept and his "love" becomes less exclusivist and arbitary and more expansive and unconditional.

We then can begin to respect the journeys of ourselves and others, and also begin to love ourselves and others in healthy, self affirming ways. So, I say all that to say that a love of God, or an understanding of Who God is, our purpose and how this impacts our daily lives begins with a healthy love and relationhip with the self. Our concept of ourselves is revealed in the God of our understanding.

Although I respect anothers personal concept of God, I must say this viewpoint requires that we place getting to know ourselves above getting to know God. Yes, we are created in God’s image and after His likeness, so we do have the capacity, or the ability, to love. But how can we properly exercise, or demonstrate, that ability without first knowing the One who is love?

It’s always convenient to say that our concept of God is based solely on man’s interpretation or image of God. And it’s convenient to blame history’s atrocities on man’s warped perception of God. In fact, these evils were the result of man’s warped perception of himself. Man didn’t really know himself because he didn’t take the time to really know God. Beginning with Adam, mankind has failed to cultivate and maintain a relationship with God, shoving Him aside and putting Him on stand-by, while placing the focus on himself, then blaming God for his actions. God never told anybody to hunt witches, enslave human beings, or fly planes into buildings. These were all man’s ideas – ideas which the God I know would never put in a man’s head. But the people who did – and do – such things don’t understand that because they never took the time to get to know God, who is love. They only look within for their morals and their motivation. If unregenerate, fallen man is supposed to first look within himself to find love, and how to display it, before he looks to God who is love, then we are in really big trouble (and we are).

God Himself knew man didn’t know how to love, so He sent His Son to show man how it’s done. Now, all the how-to’s of love are now revealed and available to everyone through Jesus Christ. So those of us who are born again, not only have the capacity to love, we know how to do it, because we allowed God, through Jesus (the Word), and by the Holy Spirit, to tell us how to do it. We didn’t rely on our own intellect.

Of course, none of this means anything if we don’t believe the Bible is the Word of God; that it’s just a bunch of words made up by men with serious control issues. If that’s the case, we can just throw it all out. Like Paul said, “If Christ be not risen from the dead, (then) we are men most miserable, and our preaching is in vain.”

Bottom line, we can’t know love until we know Love.

I'm not suggesting placing ourselves above God, that's impossible. To say our concept of God is based largely on man’s interpretation or image of God, is not just "convenient" but true. Historically, man's concept of a wrathful and avenging God is mor a reflection of the social and political climate of which the particular author was a part. This is not just conjecture, but the opinion of biblical scholars.

The search for truth begins with seeking the devine within through our own experience. We can't know love until we develop a working, self affirming definition. We live in a society, where we are conditioned to define ourselves by things external to who we are. Consequently we see the creator as some external manipulator to whom we project a plethora of behaviors, often contradictory. We have assigned roles to God that have used to seperate humanity as opposed to leading to a celebratrion of the unity of us all.

We may love the color red, blueberry pancakes, or white wine and we characterize the Love of God as similar to the arbitary and capricious nature of the love we humans exhibit. I believe that we must develop a responsible love and understanding of self, no easy task, particularily in this society before we may even begin to fanthom the Love of God.

Your right love relationships should not hurt. They should be a place of emotional security first within ourselves and second in knowing who we have chosen has a partner...

Thank You MR. Angelo.....

If our experiences are filtered through our beliefs, then the quality and outcomes of our experiences, are clearly shaped by our beliefs.

According to world relgions, there are many words. Some in support of each other, some a distant cousin, and some,not even at the familiy reunion. So if the world were to end tomorrow, and as some religions point out, God, ( he?)will pass judgement; how would all the other non Christians fare, in God's eye(s)?, for exercising their beliefs?

And while we're on the topic of God's possisble displeasure, is God capable of anger,mood swings, jealousy? Which reminds me, while growing up in a Baptist household,attending church every Sunday, I remember learning? over and over again, that God was a jealous God. Scared the hell out of me! I'm not sure of the results folks were going after, but it can certainly have a neurotic affect on a young mind, which is not healthy.
Is this the beginnings of having a true relationship with God?

And if God is capable of jealousy, anger etc., as I have been told in my attendance in church, then why stop there? How do we selectively ascribe some emotional conditions, at the exclusion of other.. Doesn't sound like a well adjusted God to me. Sound like God's denying his(?) other sides. And we all know what can happen if you deny your other sides. When it is denied, it gains an autononmous life of it's own, and can become destructively evil. Does God need therapy to help him(?) create healthy allianaces with all his sides?

So let just say, as a child, learning the many emotions of God,and in particular,that I can piss God off, I develop a fear of God. Would he(?) consider me punk? Or would God be thinking to himself(?), I've should've placed this child, lower on the food chain. What was I thinking?

I may have taken certain liberties, in a chideful way, to point out that, I believe how we experience God, is directly connected to our neurotic egoic existence of self, as well as the nature and quality of the relationships we have with ourselves. Christ's command to love thy enemies, appears to be his understanding of this, that is, if we are truly on a path of having a healthy relationship with ourselves,transcending our realtionship with God and others,(self/God),then there's a path beyond our neurotic egoic existence, that blinds us, to what we truly can be on any level. Which clearly speaks to, I believe, no matter what, the path to discovery of self, is that same path to God. I think it was Saint Clement who said, "When you know yourself, you know God."

If we truly beleive that God exist within, then the starting point for God, is through self. And God and self are inseperable. No matter how you live, I believe, God exist within. The quality of your relationship with self, simultaneously, is the quality of your relationship with God.

So I beleive, the more we seek a path of self discovery, the more we enhance the relationship with the God, within.

Contemporary society lacks a unifying religion,that will/can resolve all of it's chaos, so it's easy pickens for the dark elements to have their field days,as well as God's current and future messengers who seem to be the only one who has God's ear(s)? to pass on the word! Which by the way, is filtered through their experiences as well.

World religions have created an authority as to their understanding of God, but very little for transcending our humanity for each other. Is that part of God's plan? Or was God having a bad human day??

Within ourselves, we find our deepest self, our true self, and then we can begin to recgnize that we are not only more than we can imagine, but more than what we can imagine.

Thank you Corletha!! You can hire someone to take care of needs but no amount of money can make a person truly 'want' to be with you or love you. Why can't men accept this? I thought most men, and women for that matter, wanted unconditional love. Why is it so hard for men to accept? Does it have to do with the men are from Mars and women are from Venus theory?

God is and forever will be first and foremost in my life. God lives in us all. Most of us are so conditioned or hardened by society and all of its trappings that we allow the God/Love in us or our true essence to simply lay dormant. It takes faith, hope, courage, and discipline to be guided by God/Love. Instead, many of us are guided by wall street, politicians, fashion, the latest and greatest pop stars, anything and anybody but God/Love. Society has all the answers, so why should we labor painfully to know ourselves? Yes, the journey we must take to know self can be painful. Some of us study the Bible but we don’t take the journey to knowing self. I admire the scholarly pursuit to having a deeper understanding of God. Still, we must delve deeply into self to come in touch with the God/Love within. God/Love is more than a scholarly pursuit ... it is life in its purest form. God/Love is more than words ... it is deeds and often it is silence. Christianity is the religion I have chosen to express my love of God. Christianity is not my essence. My essence is God/Love. I believe we must look inward and reconnect with the God that exists within. Then, love of self and our neighbor will be unconditional.

Growing up with domestic violence as part of my daily routine made me make a decision when I was in grade school. I told myself I would never let a man put his hands on me. I knew that if he did it once he would surely do it again. With that said, I was true to my word, but what I did not know was that domestic violence not only comes in the physical form it also rears it's ugly head in the mental form. I had not made the pact with myself about the mental portion, so I lived 2o+ years of my life suffering with the mental abuse (labeled as domestic violence by the courts).

So I agree with you Angelo my friend....love should not hurt your heart... your mind....your body....nor your spirit.

This is a great Blog!

A few years ago I was heavily into the church. I felt that I was only minutes away from being God like...until one day when I was having problems with a few members of the congregation. After many tears I decided to talk it to over with the pastor of the church. His response was 'who do you think you are? you are no better than God.' I remember felling as if I was going to die right there on the spot.....What that conversation did for me was made me look at myself and ask some questions.....Could I fogive? (Not right away) Could I turn the other cheek (Not without breaking somebody's arm if they tried the hit the other cheek.) Could I love unconditional? (Nope).
I realized that once I answered those questions I could in no way deal with the crap God dealt with and continue to love myself or anybody else..... If I asked myself those same questions today my answers would be as follows: I will never forgive immediately but I will forgive eventually. I will turn the other cheek but I will probably grab the hand that tries to hit my cheek. I can love semi unconditionally (whatever that means). At this time this is the best I can do knowing that there is always room for improvement. To me allowing myself to grow, changing what I can change within myself, and listening to the whispering voice that teaches me to love myself more and more everyday is all that is needed.

Not only does it take time to really know someone, it also takes time to know ourselves within the context of a relationship. We are too quick to proclaim our relationships a sucess and act out a senario in the future ignoring the present.

What may seem good now, in 2 weeks, six months, a year may prove not to be what we truly want or need, and there is nothing wrong with that. We judge success by the numbers, how long we stay together as opposed to the quality of the connection over time?

I believe, how we choose our partners and our relationship expectations are in opposition to the propensity of human beings to change. LIFE IS CHANGE! Think about it, is our goal in a relationship to save it in amber, impossible, or for two individual to come together in a dynamic union for individual and collective growth.

Are our relationships a celebration of what love and life can be or an everlasting obligation despite whether it serves our higher good. I think, for the most part, our eyes are on the wrong prize. Now, don't get me wrong, in my relationships, in my past marrriage, I sought longivity. Longivity has it's place, however, how have I/we grown through this relationship, has this relationship enabled me to feel good about who I am and what I can be, has it been good for me as a human being, these are the goals in choosing a partner. If you cannot answer in the affirmative to these questions, then your relationship has become something else.

This is not a painless process. And, even for those of us who think we know, it's an ongoing challenge to shake the unworkable ideals we have grown with and make relationships the celebrations they can be. As
Angelo has said, the stage is set by how we choose.

I think that loving ones self is about self discovery and finding your center. That center allows u to accept yourself as u are with the good, bad and indifferent......I need to work on some things but for the most part I am alright....a good person. However, during the discovery process there maybe extremes to the right and left.......the times you have not determined the boundaries/limitations of people around u and how they effect your life.....being pulled in many directions because of it.... being reactive as oppose to proactive......then to the other extreme, u may set up too many boundaries and limit yourself too much....to over protective of self.....denying personal and emotional growth......then u realize that holding yourself so close is also confining....then u begin to let go of the confinement moving closer to the center. In the center u are more aware, more proactive in controlling the things that throw u off balance, more in touch with the spirit of who u r. Finding that balance for me was a humbling experience.....I was/am happier within myself, with myself and within my spirit. And it is apparent from the inside out. It allowed me to deal with all kinds of people/issues and set my boundaries accordingly and within reason.....allowing myself to include people of a challenging nature but not allowing them to upset my world......I have learned to be inclusive not exclusive because of the boundaries/limitations I have set. On occasion I am thrown off my center by some emotional discomfort or some overly joyous experience, but then I have to pull it back in. Loving self is an on going process.....u will encounter situations/issues in life that will always challenge you emotionally. We need to be less accepting of mediocre that we interpret as being a part of who we are.....our personalities, that holds us back from become better version of ourselves. Loving yourself should be inclusive of extending and spreading love to others.

Choosing a partner because of their lifestyle...... Well, wouldn’t that depend on what qualities that person brings to your life? Isn’t their lifestyle a part of who they are? What has that person gone through to achieve that level of living? Is that person where u want to be...giving u inspiration? Am I comfortable with this person and they with me? Is being together effortless or a struggle?
These are the things that one should be asking themself when u encounter a new potential partner.
I for one certainly do not want to get involved with someone is “stuck in the mud”, or who has no goals or potential for growth whether it be personally, financially or professionally. Sometimes their lifestyle is an indication of that .....sometimes it is an indication they are living above their means. So, if I meet someone who has a life style I like and they have all of the other qualities I am looking for in a partner....why not!! But the lifestyle should only be one aspect for the chose not the basis.

I think when a couple get to the level of wanting to be in a exclusive committed relationship, they need to discuss what commitment means to them and be clear. Many times we don’t understand each others expectations of the other, there are mixed signals, inconsistencies. I think u have to be in a place in your life when u know in your heart and soul u are ready to include a partner for a committed relationship. No amount of social intervention should be involved in your readiness for a relationship. I think the readiness should be a refection of loving yourself and extending that love to a partner...being vulnerable, open and giving. If u are not there then chances are u are not ready.

We are all works in progress and each relationship provides an opportunity for growth and self discovery. It's alright to fail, that's part of the process, as quiet as it's kept. Depending upon how you view it, there is no "failure".

It's about whether the experience and takes you where you want to go or not. If not, it's your right to choose another course. It is said that the problem is not in the falling, but in the failure to rise.

Yes Marc, I agree that we are all works in progress and each experience is an opportunity for growth and self discovery. However, it is somewhat patronizing and is mediocre at best to say that. When do we stop using that as an excuse not to work on our relationships and hold ourselves to a higher standard of living, loving and giving? Isn’t that the same as, well if my marriage doesn’t work I can always get a divorce?

Is that the answer to achieving and maintaining a continued healthy relationship/connection? Are we to walk thru life going from one relationship to the next because we are “works in progress”? When do we work on getting it “right” with our partners? Please, do not take what I am saying in the wrong context.
Certainly, I am not advocating staying in a relationship that is not healthy and feeds your soul/spirit, but as a people we are so ready to “throw in the towel” (myself included at times) when things do not go the way we think they should or expect they should when it comes to our relationships. We can be so quick to consider what is required of us in a relationship as an infringement on our individuality, our manhood, our womanhood, she/he is checking up on me......whatever the case maybe.

Relationships are give and take......one person can not always be the taker or the giver, it has to interchange. I think as a people and in different situations we accept and expect so little from ourselves. I think many times it is in our relationships, that exists.

If we put as much excellence in our relationships as we do our careers/jobs other things we want to achieve, would they be in better standing????

In the book "How to be An Adult in Relationships" it states, "...not everyone is cut out for a fully committed relationship." "There is no shame in not wanting a relationship" [or, at a particular moment in time, not being capable of being within one]. "A healthy person is not one in a relationship but one in his own skin."

So, the point is that, a committed relationship and/or life everlasting does not have to be the logical conclusion of a relationship! In Relationships, romantic or otherwise, the individuals involved are viewed as more important than "the relationship" per se. Most of us live a cultural myth where we see success by obligation, or number of years, or tingling toes and fluttering hearts.

When I left my wife of 18 years, I was bombarded on all sides by, "it's been 18 years", "is there any way you can stay together" and so on, and so on. It did not matter that I was disperately miserable and depressed being with that woman. Obviously, what was important in the eyes of too many was "the relationship" and not me. Something is wrong with that picture!

As I said before I am not advocating staying in a relationship that is all together unhealthy. I, too was married for a very long time (13 years) and know fully what it is to be miserable and depressed. Nor am I advocating staying for the sack of holding the relationship together. I myself would rather be alone. Nothing is more important than the people involved, romantic or otherwise, I agree whole heartedly. I also understand that everlasting does not have to be the conclusion of a relationship, but if we do not try to work things out how will we ever know.
From the same book you mention above Richo writes.....”Whatever does not work requires work. Since every adult has things to work on, refusal to work is the equivalent of reluctance to relate as an adult. And if a reasonable amount of work has been done and no change has resulted, the relationship is ready to be released so both parties can move on.” All I am saying is sometimes we have to try before we give up, and that is only when the partner, friend etc, has qualities that bring value to the relationship. If they don’t then by all means.....keep on trucking!!!

Sustainability?
I believe that by fortune, luck, blessing etc.., that if a certain type of two individuals meet, who are calibrated to view their differences as an opportunity to drive them inward towards each other, rather than away from each other, driven by their love and commitment, can help sustain a long and lasting healthy union.. These individulas understand that everyone is a dynamic composition, with an ever changing melody, underscored by their love and commitment.
Given the emotional maturity and spiritual calibaration of these individuals, they understand that what ever takes place between them, does not have to be interpreted as a point to drive them away from each other, but as a vehicle and an opportunity do develop deeper communion between them. I believe that given the degree of the two individuals spirituallity,and emotional maturirty, they can calibarte their calibration, for sustainalbilty. The question always on their mind is, "how do we use this to develop deeper communion and understanding between us, in a way that will drive us towards each other, and not away." Roy, of the FLOW has often talked about a perfect relationship, and I think this is what he was talking about, not necessariry a perfect one, but a perfecting one...
We are shaped by the kind of experiences we seek, as well as the interpretations.
At the core of all of our experiences are our beliefs.
alter your belief, you chnage your experiences.

Tomorrow outcomes, are determined, to some degree, by today's belief, and how we decide to view and interpret our experiences.
So an individual who believes that relationships, should not be veiwed as everlasting, would not be calibrated for someone, who view the opposite. Mind you, those who seek a path for an ever lasting commuinon, as a premise, should veiw thier constant state of becoming, as an opportunity to develop deeper communion between them, underscored by their love for self, each other and their commitment to their union.
This wii require two individuals who understand that no relationship is perfect, but only perfecting. And that if they understand each others language of love, and are able/willing to communicate it as well, a desire to build a life together will require faith, and the ability to view all things that are naturally part of a dynamic relationship, as an opportunity to develop deeper communion, towards a path of sustainability...

On sustainability.....Your words are eloquent, profound and forthright. If we as a people practiced the ideals you describe, there would probably be many more everlasting, healthy, loving relationships. But, it's not enough to say it, think it, or feel it....we have to work at it consistantly. Other wise the words are just that....words. From Richo..."Love works automaticly at times, but mostly it works because we work on it."

I think that we are in agreement here, relationships take work to sustain. Though we believe that relationship are not meant to last at all costs, they are not to be disgared like a used napkin.

The circumstances of a relationship, the history and level of awareness of the individuals involved dictate the approach to maintain or sustain, whether it serves them or not.

I think it's more important for relationships to promote self examination that longivity. If it can do both, it's a wonderful thing but, more often that not, longivity is the metric.

Sustainability??

I think they are both important, self examination, and sustainability.
We live in a society, where the majority rules. Relationships miss the mark of sustainability, therefore, not possible, therefore these outcomes becomes a part of our references, and how we proceed. And, as we understand, the majority does not necessarily dictate quality nor truth. There are many couples who are in long term relationships, and have been very sucessful at using the relationship for self discovery, and committed to a long term communion.

We need to look at them, as a barometer of possibility as well. How do they accommplish it..

Aside from all the other calibrated items that are necessary between two people; if sutsianability is a pursuit, and that's ok for anyone to pursue, because if no one didn't, we wouldn't have long term relationship; we should mate with someone, who share that as a pursuit and possility as well...

I know couples, who's lives with each other, are very self affirming and have a long history of commited communion with each other.

In John Gottman's books, " Relationship Cure, and How to Have a successful Marriage", he identifies the traits that are common with those individuals who are not able to sustain long term relationships, as well as those who are able to.
So depending on one's beliefs system, we see what we have decided to be a part of our awareness.
And it is from there, where we all speak, what is true for us...

" As a man thinketh"

To pursue sustainability, one will need a mate, who shares that as part of their awareness ...
Personal growth, depending on one's particular path they seek, can provide them with the tools to sustain a long term relationship.
How do we use our growth, as a vehicle towards sustainability...

It's is possible; there are many couples out there, who are having great and healthy long term relationships...
Are we only looking at serial relationships???
because if we are, then that's what we'll see...
Paople are having long term relationships, that are in services of each other..
Lets talk to them as well...
We all can learn lessons..
They are equalliy an important part of the relationship equation....
How do they do what thsy do..... What their formulae.
According to what I understand, just as those relationships that are not fulfilling etc., come along with common traits, the long term healthy ones, also share common traits as well....
Lets look at them... Why aren't they a part of the dialogue...
Because they are not a part of our awareness/conciuousness????
We seek, what we is true for us....
I think we all can co-exist, allowing each other to pursue their truths, while providing one another
with support, emotionally,spiirtually and intellectually that will support each other's pursuit, as healthy adults..

As a young man, a senior male in my family shared tha following:
" If they only tool you have in your toolbox, is a hammer,after awhile, everything begins to look like naills."

Pursuing a path, for longivity, creates the awareness, of what works for it , and what doesn't.
If people don't pursue a path sustainability as they deisre, and are resigned to veiw it's opposite, how would they ever learn, what works on that path, and what doesn't...

This is the process called learning.. And with the successes of sustainability, we can pass on the information to others, in their pursuit as well, viewing relationships with many possible outcomes....
We have to be careful, getting caught up in what we may think are the only natural outcomes, based on our experiences, contemporary society etc.. Couldn't the pursuit of sustainability be a part of the new relationship paradigm?? One size, does not fit all..

I can certainly understand how senseless and inexcusable the behavior you describe some women displaying is. Fortumately, however I can say that in my experience that has not been the norm. I am hard pressed to recall even one incident where a girlfriend's marriage or serious involvement in a relationship changed the fabric of our relationship. Certainly when folks become involved in serious relationships, there are adjustments to be made, but it's like any other life change...a new job, relocating to a new area, increased family responsibilites, etc. You expand to become even more inclusive and not exclusive. I think it is reasonable to expect that some things will change but it shouldn't be to the detriment of a healthy friendship. I greatly value the relationships that I have with my sisterfriends and I know that it's mutual. I even have friends that I classify as really good friends that I may only speak to a few times a year, not because we don't love and appreciate one another but because of our busy lives and schedules (this does not always include a man either) But the true measure of our friendship is present and manifests itself in that we can pick up where we are and its as if we had just spoken the day before.
When my sisterfriends are happy, I'm happy for them, whether the source of their happiness is a new partner, a husband, a job, a new home, car, etc. I can gladly say that in my experience the feeling is mutual. And no, things don't always go well with relatiohship choices, but at least in the case of my Sisterfriends and I, we're there for each other, no matter what, unconditionally.

I agree with Roz. My sisterfriends that I have know since college (20+ years) are still my very dear friends. We do not speak often because our lives have taken different paths, but when we do get together it’s like old times. We are still as open and caring to one another as we always have been. We love one another for who we are as people and respect the choses we have made in our lives for our lives. I have adoration for my sisterfriends for there own unique personalities and the way that we have connected over the years. And when we do get together on those occasional times, I learn something new about them and I see have how maturity has changed us all. It is simply wonderful and I consider myself fortunate to still have them as friends.

I believe that what many call "LOVE" is a modern day euphemism for need fulfullment. Consequently, people have expectations, such as to make me happy, secure, not lonley, etc that relationships, in reality cannot fulfill. Your happiness, security, and sense of self can only come from within you. However, we have come to seek self validation in Valentine's Day and have created a commercial mythology as to what this day means. I believe, that "LOVE" is not an obligtion, it's a choice made without coercion. Valentine's Day, for many is an obligation and a slight of hand, where candy, a card or flowers are switched for something folks are feeling around in the dark to find. Below is my contribution to de-programming Valentine's day:

No One Day

No one day
Can encompass the divine moment
When two spirits touch
No one card
Can reach the depths of passions kindled
No one bouquet can
Sanctify an already holy place
Like a Malcolm X tee-shirt
A celebration of text and graphics
A dream wrapped in a clich?©
I will never join the throngs
That march to a contrived drum beat
Their futures, a sound bite in eternity

The Valentine Day Masacre?
or
Silence of the lamb?
or
An opportunity?

Is it all that serious? I really don't think so.
We live in a society where time spent in connection with another,has been reduced to nano seconds, while we pursue careers, personal interest etc..

So we have one day out of the year, where a mass of people put the brakes on their lives, and in their own way,celebrate their connections..

I am not one to questions nor tell people what to do, but when you look at the news, and look at what's happening around the globe, we need more than just one day, for the celebration of love.. and right now, one day does not hurt.
Something on a far more deeper level within me, tells me that it's not all that serious, and I aplllaud any situation or day, that is an attempt to recognize love, which is the highest gift, if you will, that you can give to anyone.. In particularly in a arid narcisistic world of "I pledge allegiance to myself, screw everyone else."
Love is not a pure intellectual process, where emotions must cloak itself with a bullet proof vest. And in todays society, with those new penetrating bullets, love don't stand a chance...

Ok so what, there are many people out there who take pleasure in celebrating the day, of which will probably go on well beyond my expiration. So do we start a movement to expatriate the day?
As a business man, who not only see opportunities in dollars and cents, but also see opportunities in those moments that represent a platform to uplift our spirituality as well as our humanity for each other;
my sugestion for the day is for those who celebrate it, to review, their ideas about relationships, love, how to be in healthy communion with another,etc..
Create dialogue with one another about the quality of their connections, as well as well as with themselves.
And if they need cards to jump start this new aspect to the day, i am just the person to do so..
i,e, " Through you I have learn to discover deeper dimension of who I am, and although, it may not last forever, who you are, has made my journey all the more beautiful."
Look out HallMark!!!

Look,complaining about it will not change it. But we can assist with adding a new dimension to it, that can be a starting point of how people can use the day, in very new and refreshing ways, that can assist with creating a new relationship paradigm..
People/leaders throughout history have taken movements,holidays,clebrations etc., and have aligned them with a higher cause for humanity. They could have sat on the side, and shared their criticism.
" Look at them, damn fool, look at how conditioned and coerced they are."

I think that not only do we have an obligation to self/ our immediate circle of friends, relatives to assist them in becoming better versions, but humanity as a whole. And I see Valentines Day as an opportunity, of not criticism, but as an opportunity to create new dialogue.. To me it makes no difference whether it's through cards, billboards, candle light dinners, etc.. Just get the new message out there !!
I believe,God speaks to us in so many ways. Maybe right now as you are reading that newspaper, the person sitting across from you, viewing the ad, seen from that back of your news- paper, is recieving a message....

There is a mass of people out there, who for the most part, will continue to celebrate the day. As far as I see, it ain't going anywhere.
So do we get government regulated green Hummers, and round everyone up, and place them in Valentine Day concentration camps????
So for that matter,the question for me is, how do we take what exist, and will continue to, and use it in a way that will increase the quality of people's time on this planet.

The same premise critic use for Valentine Day, could be used for funerals, birtdays,any points of celebration. A look at history, reveals that celebration exist quite possibly, on a cellular level..
We need to be careful not to throw the baby out with the water.

So I say, let use the momentum of the day, as a starting point;an opportunity to take it to a whole other levels, that can asissit each other in a pursuit of becoming better versions as well as assisting with creating a new relationship paradigm.

This new paradigm, will need asistance from every and all aspects of life.... And how we postion ourselves, we see, or we don't see oppotunities....
Lets inspire each other..

And to my critics, all I have to say is, " Bah Humbog." The universe has a big hug out there somewhere for you..

Thank you Angelo for your thoughtful and eloquent response. I totally agree that Valentine's Day is a day of reflection. This year, I called each of my children, my sister, brother, uncles and aunts, and close friends to say "I Love You." Three words no one ever tires of hearing. As you stated, sometimes our day-to-day lives are so busy that we forget to reflect and let our loved ones know how much they mean to us. Some of us need Valentine's day as a reminder to STOP and take the time to let our loved ones know how special they are. Thank you for confirming to us all that an expression of love is okay everyday, including Valentine's Day. Love is so much more than an intellectual discussion. Love makes you feel sooooo good!

Those who know me, know of my position on Valentine's Day, a position I have held for many years. In my 18 years of marriage, I did not celebrate or acknowledge the day, nor in most of my previous relationships. The hype of the day always bothered me, but after reading and reflecting upon the response of my brother Angelo, I now ponder, if maybe, I am the one, as much as I talk about love, has missed it's true meaning?

As absent as love is on this planet, and the endless itinerations, from idealogies to products that use it's name that are constant reminders that love is not as it should be, Angelo elequently stated and I agree that we need more days where the opportunity exists to bring more meaning to love.

But, at the same time, let our expressions of love trancend the flowers, candy, or a night on the town, like the tip of an iceberg, that gives no clue to the depth and breath beneath. Let love represent the best of who we are capable of being and becoming to ourselves and others.

So, I think, maybe, I have been somewhat intolerant and un-loving and though the carcasues of relationships are all around us, does not negate the possibilities they hold for us all. I guess the focus should be on not a half empty cup, but one that is half full.

Also, during the week of Valentine's Day, love is the topic of conversation and is openly discussed in classrooms across America. From very young pre-schoolers and the silly cards they exchange to the beautiful prose and expressions of love of teens, LOVE is the topic of the day. This year, my daughters were required to memorize a love poem for English. As Angelo stated, everyday should be a celebration of love! LOVE is by far not absent from this planet. Without love, there could be no hate and unfortunately we have all witnessed its ugly presence. Love is the essence of being and it's meaning is endless. A person's expression of his/her love can also be endless, However expressed, be it flowers, candy, a poem, dinner, a moonlit stroll, a phone call, or pack of blank CDs it is not for anyone else to judge.

When I first read this topic discussion, my immediate thought was that any or all of the examples listed can be considered the ingredient(s) for a successful relationship. I dismissed the topic and went about my day. However, this topic forced me to ask myself if my marriage was a “success.” If not, does that mean my marriage was a failure? Sure, my marriage of 26 years ended 4 years ago, but I choose to celebrate it’s so-called successes including: 4 intelligent children who are now young adults with a firm grasp of reality and values that transcend the superficial; spiritual and personal development born out of the hurt and pain experienced during my marriage; and the ability to forgive and love unconditionally. As long as we put each experience in life under the microscope for examination independent of the whole of our lives, we will find plenty of so-called “failures” and very few “successes.” However, I believe if we consider the whole of a relationship, with ourselves and with others, or the whole experience of life, many of us will find plenty to celebrate.

If you and your partner are self-respecting people and respect each others goals, it should not be difficult to be in a “successful” loving relationship and to successfully pursue your individual goals. I believe that the support and encouragement gleaned from a healthy, loving relationship will strengthen a person’s pursuit of individual goals. Yes, at times you will be called on to compromise, especially when children are involved. Compromise does not mean letting the other person have his way or deferring ones dreams. I believe “compromise” means having consideration for your partner and/or family to work out a solution that allows all parties to accomplish their individual goals while at the same time allowing the unit to grow. I believe the ability to “compromise” is one of the key ingredients to any “successful” relationship.

For me, the bottom line is that relationships take work. However, if you love each other and desire the relationship, the work can seem like play.

Marc, this is a new topic....
Show me where it hurts...

Is there an unbearable tension, between the needs of men, and the role they play in society? Are we asking men to do the impossible? Are men secretly in pain, given the tension between their true needs, and the mechanical path, society has paved?
Are the old roles in service? Were they ever?

How does this translate into their relationships?
What's your thinking.....

Kean U. 4/9/07:

1. Why do men consider having sex a good way to reconcile, show affection, express empathy or apologize?

2. Why do men retreat/run/hide rather than confront conflict or discuss difficulty?

1. Do you feel that true satisfaction in a relationship is being loved by the one you love?

2. Why wouldn't a monogamous relationship bring fulfillment?

DO you believe that a man and a women who are attracted to each can remain just friends, without having sex?

1.)If trust has been broken in a previous relationship, what is the best way to avoid bringing those trust issues into the next relationship?

2.) Do you belive there are ways to prevent a person from cheating or do you believe that if a person wants to cheat he/she will do it regardless of what their partner does to prevent it?

Most men say they would love to have a woman who is basically uninhibited in many ways, yet they typically do not want the permanent woman in their life to be "that kind of a girl." What can women do to help men realize that most women do not want to be thought of as madonna-type figures.

Women often do more work than men in making a relationship work. I don't believe that men do not want to be in a relationship - if they are in fact in a relationship. I think they really do not know what to do and they probably feel it is not their job - especially when they grew up seeing their mothers doing most of the relationship management. How do we guide our partners in participating in the work, and how do we women stop beating up or men for not being so proactive in makign the relationship work?

1. one thing i have noticed in many relationships is the difficulty many people in a struggling long term relationship, is the fear of leaving and starting all over.how would you recommend people overcome that fear?

2. any suggestions on how to overcome commitment issues?

1.Why is that men seem so nonchalant about whether or not relationships work out?

2.Do men believe women cheat as much as me do?

I feel that people whom are the most opposite are the most compatible. I know this through experience. But somehow I am attracted to people that are exactly like me. Loud, argumentative, sometimes selfish with a hot temper. Two personalities just like that do no exactly clash, but that seems to be the pattern of personalities in the guys I date. And What does this say? I need to change... But changing would only allow myself to get taken advantage of these people that remind me of me so much. ..Those are my concerns..

I feel that with choosing a partner, you have to be ready for commitment because not everyone is cut out for commitment. also i feel that communication and trust are also key elemnts in choosing a partner.

why is it so hard to let go and get out of a relationship that is just not going to work out?

It is said to be human is to stay connected to friends, family, and people in general. What advice would you give to a woman if her best friend continues to neglect honest advice that causes the best friend to get hurt? Should this woman distance herself and associate with friends that are more stable/successful in life? If she distance herself, how can she deal with the guilt of feeling inhumane by abandoming her best friend?

1.)Some people say that they have been in love numerous times, but they were all different types of love. How can a person be in romantic love in different ways? Isn't to be in love, simply to be in love?
2.)Do you think that it is healthy or unhealthy to be 100% honest in a relationship? Should each partner have secrets of their own or should every single thing be out there in the open?

What should you tell an ex girlfriend who keeps calling you when she is getting married?

my husband gets up much earlier than I do, so he falls asleep much earlier. When days and days go by w/o having sex, he tends to imply that it's my fault for not being in the mood. How do i convince him that it's hard to gey in the mood when he's already asleep? I'm trying not to put him on the defensive, or get 'whiney' about it.

A guy and a girl I know broke up because he was always angry all the time (not physically violent, though), She called it off, needing some space. She tried to remain as friends, and to stay in touch, since he was so distraught. All he did,however, was rub a new girlfriend in the old one's face, bringing up the new one's name every chance he got.(He seemed quick to jump into another relationship soon after the break up). The old girlfriend finally stopped IMing. I personally think she was the best thing ever for him, and that he was a nicer, calmer person when he was w/ her. Do you think they stand a chance of ever getting back together? Is there anything I can do to help nudge them back? (I'm in contact w/ both parties).

thank you for your time.

Is love ever just enough to keep a relationship together?

How much should you give up for the person you love?

What is the difference between infatuation and attachment? Is there a difference?

why do you think men don't put as much emphasis into being in a relationship as women do

Why do men always spend more time with their friends yet they do not give the same attention to their girlfriends?

Why are men always defining a woman by they type of body she has, how she grooms herself or how she dresses? Is her mind not good enough anymore?

How do you balance a relationship with your friends and with your girlfriend?

Kean U.

There's a saying, "Once a cheater, always a cheater" It is common knowledge to people that if someone cheated and got away with it, that they are probably going to try it again. Do you believe that to be true? Or can a cheating man really change his ways?

In today's modern society, there are many unhappy marriages where the excitement and passion is totally gone. Is it possible to be in love with someone throughout the entirety of a marriage? Or does that part of the relationship just fade away with time? Also, I am curious to know the statistics on the current divorce rate in the US; can any of you provide us with that information?

If your boyfriend has a fantasy of being with you and another woman, and you agree to fulfill his fantasy, does that make you bisexual?

I feel that people are attracted to someone who is opposite of them as far as their quirks and habits. But if the two people do not have the same values of life styles then the relationship will never be able to work.

1. Why is it men are so nonchalant about whether or not a relationship is successful or not?

2.Do men believe women are as unfaithful in a relationship as women believe?

1) What is the difference between love, lust, and attachment, and how do you know when you feel one?

How can you stop from bringing up issues and fears you had with an ex-boyfriend and putting them on the new boyfriend when he or she has not done anything wrong?

What do you do when you stood by a man for 16 years through thick and thin, who does drugs and drink and leaves you for another woman. Says he loves you but does not see eye to eye with you even though you still love him.

Carol: I feel your pain. I was married to an alcoholic for 26 years. The first thing you should do is THANK HIM and the woman he left you for. Second, seek professional counseling. The effects of drug addiction and alcoholism on families are devastating. Work to understand all of the complexities of the relationship. Also, you must take responsibility for the role you played in the relationship. You have a personal journey to take. For me this was an even more painful process than ending the marriage but necessary to become whole again. Be patient and take time to understand and truly love yourself. The journey to a life full of joy and love can be difficult. Remember, you are never alone, and have faith. Again, seek professional counseling.

"That what is good is good for me." These words of Myla encapsulate the delimna of too many relationships. Are relationships just about feeling good? In my opinion, it's not about a good feeling or even longivity, but mutual personal growth. And that type of growth does not always feel good, but it can enhance your sense of self and enables you to not rely on your relationships to provide self validation.

My belief is in any relationship it is a partnership. We both should be providing for our family. The only way our communities are going to become stronger and last is through economic freedom. I have been married for 20 years to a very talented blackman, but one who is also complacent and did not want to pay bills.

We moved to Utah did you hear me? Utah because I knew we would not be able to afford to purchase a home in New York. That was 15 years ago. Our house was foreclosed on last year, and I decided it was time for me to move on. I purchased a condo six months ago. I am getting my financial house in order because I know I have to depend on myself.

I have a state job with 11 and a half years in the system, I am vested in our pension. I have over ten thousand dollars in my 401k and I am working a second job contributing to their 401k and purchasing the company stock. I am also empowering my daughters by my example. One daughter just finished her first year of college and the other daughter I hope will be getting her real estate license, because she is a single mom now and a once in awhile show up black baby daddy.

I wish blackmen would see the big picture and become more responsible for the economic care of their families. But I will not wait around for that to happen, I will take care of myself financially to leave a legacy for my daughters and grandchildren and hope they will also pass theirs along. And if I meet another man Black or white he needs to also be economically stable.

I agree with the major premise of this posting...I'm not sure that most of us seek to emulate celebrities, but I do wholeheartedly agree that often life calls for us to live prescribed roles and this can be very different from our authentic self. While I'm not altogether certain that these roles are a negative thing, real damage is done when we completely forget or abandon who we really are. As we go through life, there are roles that we are assigned,ie., daughter, sister, mother, wife, friend, etc. and often we have no real choice in this assignment. How we show up in those roles gets influenced by many things and yes quite possibly even at the expense of self. In our professional lives, business and social interactions, it is not uncommon that other roles or characteristics be required for success, advancement, etc.

In a truly healthy intimate relationship, we should be able to take off all the masks, those we put on as well as those placed on us and have a place with our partner where true authenticity reigns, for both parties. And, that's a beautiful thing.

questions to asks when getting to know someone?

Wow, it is about time someone from the other gender A.K.A. "AGENDA" spoke truth to power. Resorting to name calling our brothers like wimps and disparaging our mislead sisters is why we always come up last. I hope this book resonates to Black Pop Culture just as much as Biggie's 10 crack commandments.

I believe the Elitist and working class should equally debate this important issue to our community. Rather one is for or against does not dimiss the fact that we are risk of sharing STD's in our community and we fail to share the responsibility of raising our children. I strongly support the notion Polygamy if it is centered around the uplift of our children to compete in the new global market. As a blue collar and hard working black man, I don't care for the trophies wives, because they collect dust. What my family needs is a woman to be a "wife/partner/parent" who desires a positive black man to sync with and create a fondation of success in our children. The biggest road block to redefining the Black community's norms is our community's need for the main stream culture's approval for our basic survival.

Now and Then!

July will mark the 4th year I have been divorced. The time has really gone bye.
The first year was wonderful....I had new found freedom...I was getting attention I didn’t know I could get....I felt anew...uplifted....I walked around with an affixed smile on my face.....I was the happiest I had been in years. That same year I also had a milestone birthday......got a tattoo...and I did a couple of other rebellious feel good things. I also started dating.......something I had never really done before. You see, back in the day....when u spent time with someone, there was no question as to what or who they were to u. It was just automatic “so n so” was your boyfriend or man and “so n so” was your girlfriend or woman. This was primarily based on the time spent and the attention that was paid to each other.

Well..... has times changed. Spending time with a person only means just that and we are getting to know one another.....maybe after 6 months we can get around to being exclusive or maybe we will find out that that person really isn’t the one. What is the criteria we use to chose a mate? We use to think it was the butterflies in our stomachs, or the sweaty palms that signal he/she is the “one”. Now we have a check list of particulars, a series of questions to help with the choice we are trying to make. Damn....why does dating have to be so darn complicated??? And guess what the older one gets the more complicated dating seems to get. Could that be because we have so much baggage we do not know how to lessen our “load” or acknowledge that it is just that a “load”? Have we acknowledge certain behaviors as an issue we need to work on or do we continue on into our mature years with the same ole stuff that helped us sabotage our relationships as young folk? Or do we say it ain’t me, maybe it’s her/him and hide behind our self righteousness. Somewhere down the line we have to start to do something different to get a different result. Heck, I would like to get it right at some point in this life time! Being honest and true to ourselves about our mixed bag of emotions is a good starting place.

Well, after some self evaluation....let me check myself, reading a few relationship books.....let me get some expert advise on trying to get it right ( self-help), a couple of almost....he is the one relationships.......I have just decided to put it out to the universe (The Secret). Now don’t get me wrong......I still have my check list.......and my list of questions to ask...... so that when I do get butterflies in my stomach, that will not be the only measure of “is he the one”. While I am waiting for the universe to present “him”.....I am working on lightening my load...... reading how to get it right.....and always, always looking at how to improve me and being honest with myself about me. I continue to strive for personal emotional growth and working towards being able to recognize and accept love in when it comes knocking at my door. And guess what....they say some women are desperate.....well, it’s not just a woman thang!! Men are looking for love.....in a desperate way too! Everybody wants love, but is afraid of love. (Gerald Levert)

As another birthday approaches.....it is what it is........I have learned to not take life so seriously all the time, do not hold grudges, laugh at myself, enjoy my friends....my daughter and the simple things that come my way........... a small gesture can go along way. Peace and love be with us all!

Hey Cory, I feel you! Though my divorce recently became final, I have been seperated from my ex for over two years. My first year was also wonderful, I had found a peacefulness, a freedom to be myself, and an appreciation of my worth, something in my marriage, particularily in the later years, I could only long for...

But the larger question, I think that you raise is, what is gettin it right?" In my brief post divorce sojorn, I have come to realize, There is no real formula for "getting it right." How you define yourself will define a large part of how you define relationship succcess. We generally define success as a lifelong union. Though those kinds of relationships have and do exist, success is how we individually grow, and if we are so blessed, how two individuals grow together.

Though we know betterr, we crave for success as some idylic pasture. Regardless of how a particular chapter in our lives plays itself out, finding the lesson in that experience is what determines the nature of success. "Getting it right" is a process just as you have described. Your experiences have brought you closer to your ideal and given you a greater appreciation of where you are and who you are. I believe there is nothing wrong here, it's just that we are all hooked on sound bites and not a developmental processes. To quote Frederick Douglas, he says "Without a struggle, there can be no progress." David Schnarch, in his book "The Passionate Marriage" characterizes relationships as "people growing machines" where you must tolerate "discomfort for growth."

I beginning to believe that success is not finding that "one true love", but finding that one true love within yoursel. Finding the true love within you, redefines how we see the world around us and consequently, brings us closer to the "one true love" we seek." And, maybe, it's not meant to be to find that person, but is meant to be to find that "one true love" within ourselves. To leave this planet without achieving this, is to leave with some unfinished business.

Yeh, all this ain't easy, particularily given the baggage we all carry, but I believe I am closer to finding and recognizing that "one true love" than I have ever been in my life.

The nature of truth

I believe who we are is in perpetual relationship to where we are, who and what are we connected to.

Think about it. If at birth, you were placed on a deserted island, and lets say by chance, you survived through the years, mimicking things in the environment...
What would be your true nature? That of which you do on the island? Because you could have been placed on another island,where influences differ...

Is our true nature earthly?

Are we trying to identify our true nature, through earthly limitations?
I think our true nature exist beyond definition, and will continue to flee from us, the more we pursue it.
The more we attempt to identify it, the more we exhaust the very language, that commences with limitations, taking us to where we began, when asking the question...

Who's asking the question?
Is it through our true nature, that the question originate?

It's circular...
No matter how we ask the question, it will be done through a particular format we have selected to speak from.. Is our true nature a matter of changing formats, until we arrived to one that fits our true nature.. ( smile)
Our true nature, I believe, is at the source, from where we all came...
without earthly obstruction to knowing it..

I think on a deeper level we are driven back to our true nature... or we desire to ge back...

Every question is filtered through our personal formats.
And it is from there, the derailmant begins, I believe, to answering the question, "what is my true nature.. It will always be a question, resisting definition, that is unless,
our true is to ask the question.... " what is our true nature"

Hey, right back atcha Marc!! Getting it right only means (for me) that as a couple, (whom ever my partner of choice may be), first and foremost, we connect/vibe. Then, we can work thru the issues, communicate, find ways to continuously be intimate with each other, accept each other as we come to one another, and build on the stuff that make us work as a team/couple.....respect, admiration and a depth of love/passion. That is worth waiting for!!! No one or anything is ever perfect or 100% all the time.....it is human to be this way! And the journey is what makes it so interesting.

Of course, the things you mention are a must, But, "getting it right", to me is more than that. For instance, "getting it right" before my marriage of 18 years, is very different from what "getting it right" means to me now. How I now see it, is a function of how I define myself then and now. From experience, I have different/more criteria
than in the past that hopefully, will assist in me making better choices.

How can some men and women know what's good for them in a realtionship if they do not take advice from happy long term marriages? Why get advice from single friends who are not married?

I agree that those who are married can provide more insight into the joys and challenges of marriage which is not necessarily the same as a fulfilling, meaningful union. However,I would argue that the number of happy, long term relationships are in the minority. If you are judging success by the numbers, there are many marriages that have longivity, but I would dispute the quality of most.

Whether married or single the fundamental relationship issues remain the same, and statistics show that married folks have no monopoly on relationship success. In fact, for the fist time in recent history there are more non-married than married people in the US. What does that say about the desirability and success of marriage as is currently envisioned and practiced? The fact is that married folks are as much in the dark about relationship success as those that are not.

I've never posted anything before. I've recently realized that my family has been the center of my existence, and as my children grow up and out eventually leaving me in an empty nest the fact that I really do not have outside interests other than my job and no real buddies/friends other than job related ones I burden the man in my life who has many many friends (perhaps because he has never had children) with my need for him to fill my needs for companionship. He is/has been pulling away from me for some time, I of course react by trying to pull him closer. I am trying to be happy for myself and not to rely on him to "make" me happy. But man it's hard! I fear loneliness. I don't want to grow old alone, but I know I can if I have to. Why are relationships sooooo hard?

As parents, we tend to invest alot emotionally into our children and it's unavoidable that they become the focus of our lives. However, it's a big difference between an emotional investment and deriving our idenity or sense of self from our children or our partners. In The FLOW, we often speak of being complete within ourselves and our relationships should enhance not validate who we are.

Our goal as parents, I believe is to enable our children to be independent of us. We should always be aware that we are our children's first examples of self sufficiency, love and relationships. So you may lament what you have become, you should also be aware of what models for living you present to you children. Are you creating a path for your children to follow in your footsteps?

Regarding you partner, what you refer to as him pulling away from you, may be an attempt to maintain his own sense of self or an idenity seperate from you. As you have recognized, you cannot rely on him to make you happy. But this also sounds like you have not discussed your feelings with your partner. Why not?

I would recommend finding a support group or counseling together with your partner or for you alone. You may also begin rebuilding your idenity by persuing your interests, learn to swim, join a book club, take a continuing education class, etc. Here you may discover facets of yourself you have neglected.

Your happines must come from within. It may not be easy at first, even frightening. If you look around you will discover that you are not alone and there is as much help to find your inner happiness as you wish to avail yourself of.

Intimacy

I think the challenege of intimacy is an invitaion to work on ourselves, instead of waiting for the other person to respond to our emotional needs. It is a deep commitment to oneself and to life. Intimacy with another, is hinged on our ability to go within ourselves. There can be no intimacy with another,without intimacy with ourself. The less we depend on our partner for happiness, the more we can be happy together.

As a measuring instrument we can evaluate our life choices against, does this choice revive or lessen my pleasure and zest for life....

A New Attitude

A dear friend of mine met someone. At first the connection was questionable because of some baggage she was carrying around. But as their connection has progressed so has their level of intimacy. I am not talking about sex......but about the revealing of themselves to one another. Each day, each week, they continue to communicate, they continue to grow closer........how special is that
In past relationships, my friend commented to me that her down fall had been to become overwhelmed emotionally.....to let her thoughts go astray......developing thoughts that would lead her down paths of unhealthy commune. However, today she said something that was so profound.....I was enlightened....She said that with this new connection, she wanted for herself and her partner, to walk the journey of trust, openness, and clarity in purpose. Also, she wants to be emotionally free......not caught up in emotional gridlock and nurturing old emotional patterns that she felt was unhealthy in previous connections. She and he are taking their time with one another......getting to know each other......growing towards a commune of trust, mutual admiration & respect. This new attitude with the new partner is very scarey to her because she like most people in new relationships want to have a sense of security and assurance that this is a healthy connection that will last. However, as much as we all want that, there are never any guarantees that love will stand the test of time. So my advise to her is enjoy and live in the moment........tomorrow will take care of itself.

Living in the Now!

Too often, in relationships we project into a future (marriage) that has not come or live in a past (old relationships) that no longer exists while not paying enough attention to the present which we are too preoccupied with the past and future to appreciate.

Living in the present, though not easy, in reality, is the only thing we experience. Even for those who dwell in the past, it is only in the present that the past has meaning.

So, savor NOW! Let the past be a guide, not an impediment. In The FLOW we say the purpose of a relationship is about personal growth. If in the course of that, we achieve marriage, longivity, and other idealized goals the that's a plus. However, the growth process is not necessarily a sure-footed path. There may be fear and doubt at times, and there may not be fantizied euphoric happinness. But, nonetheless, if it takes you to a new frame of reference, a new attitude, a new sense of self...then tomorrow WILL take care of itself.

Friendship!!!

Do u think we should have variety in the genders of our friendships? Do men have to only be friends with men and do women have to only be friends with women? I have a couple of male friends and would like to have more. I am talking about the heterosexual guy that is a lot of fun to be with, unpretentious, just all around good company, and wants the same. No pressure of sex, just plain ole good “openness/intimacy” on a friendship level.....strictly platonic. I find it difficult to establish friendships with males, though I have a couple that I can honestly say we are close friends. One is like my younger brother and we talk about anything. Another is a little more mature in age..... truly a good friend, we hang out on occasion, talk about the women he date, the men I date, social issues etc. (And for the record, both are very sociable, good looking men, accomplished in their own right). I love having them as friends. Other than that, I find it challenging to make true male friends. For some reason, maybe it’s me, men do not like to just be friends with women.....or at least it doesn’t happen very often. I am talking about the type of friendship that I described above. Maybe I am being a bit naive about this, but I think it should happen much more often than it does......two people of the opposite sex, no matter the physical attractiveness, just friends in every sense of the word........every man or women is not meant to be a sex partner. My wish as I gracefully age into the “golden years” (a baby boomer) that we can look at each other and embrace one another in commune that offers support to our spiritual, personal, professional growth as human beings.. I hope that we do not allow our busy lives to interfere with that commune, because as we get up in age we need not only family but good friends of both genders, that keep us spiritually connected as human beings. Being connected is so important, it’s foods for our souls.

I just wanted to say that I enjoyed the panel discussion at the Harlem Book Fair on Saturday 7.23.07. I only wish it could have been longer, as those types of discussions need more than an hour.

I thoroughly enjoyed the sister's comments who said that we as women need to close our legs and really get to know a guy before we decide he's "the one".

Like Luther sang: just because he wants to make love, doesnt mean that he's in love ...

I was feeling her when she said that we should not be worrying about what a guy we just started dating is doing when he's not with us (who he's sleeping with) - its none of our business until we both have decide to be in a commited, monogamous relationship (should take no more than about 6 months).

I was really, really feeling her when she said we have to let go of our pre-conceived notions (given to us by society and the media) of what kind of man we should be with, i.e., not dismissing a man because he's not working the kind of job we think he should have, driving the kind of car we think he should drive, etc.

I think the fellas need to take heed to that one too, not dismissing a woman because she's not society's definition of beautiful ... I had to laugh out loud when the brotha said a lot of the beautiful women he knows are like a book with blank pages.

And Oh My God, when the sista on the panel said we should just shut up when men are talking and take what they are telling us at face value, OH MAN, this is so true. If a dude tells you he's not ready to commit, no matter what we do, if this brother is not ready for a commited relationship, he's just not ready.

I'm in my early 40's now, but where was this sista when I was in my 20's??? Even in my 30's??? Even last year!! (smile). I could have saved myself a lot of unnecessary tears because of my unrealistic expectations of the men I was dating.

Christine

Welcome to the club! You are not alone in your unrealistic expectations. Unfortunately, there are few successful relationship models, not because the possibility does not exist, but because we are not socialized in ways that develop healthy relationship skills that take us were we say we want to go. As Angelo of The FLOW says, "we think we are in the east, but our feet are firmly planted in the west!" So, in the final analysis, it may not matter what a man or women may tell us, if we cling to our illusions/delussions like a warm blanket.

It may seem like men and women cannot be friends, but I think, it's more that we have been so inundated by society that intimacy is a sexual act that we both eye each other warily regarding the possibility. The fact that you have found two males friends shows that it is not impossible. Have you ever spoken to either of your male friends about your friendship? What makes your freindship with them possible as opposed to other men who would view the intimacy of true friendship as a sexual comeon? You have to be selective about who you bring into your inner circle whether men or women.

Not to tot my own horn, but we are friends because of my openness to receive them as they are, non-judgmental ......... will help if/when I can..........and because I am genuine, warm and caring......(that is my gift)...............people tend to want to pour their hearts out to me ( I am a good listener), people tend to warm right up to me. That is why I know I have to be careful of who I let in my inner circle, it could be interpreted as a weakness rather than a strength. When people are comfortable with u, they reveal things to u that ordinally they may not. Based on the conversations we have had, I just know the neither of them would be a good fit for me beyond friendship...... we can laugh, joke and hang out that is it.........our personalities and "lanuage of love" would conflict.

This is a great analogy. As we move about in our daily lives looking for immediate quick fixes, like a pill to melt away the pounds or even more drastically gastrobypass surgery ...we have lost sight of the commitment and hard work that goes into "getting the weight off and keeping it off" one pound at a time. As with relationships, a regimine is often required. First our mindset must be right and the hard questions answered...what am I really looking for in a partner?...why have my other quests ultimately been unsuccessful?...do I really deserve what I seek?....Once we know the answers we must decide that short cuts short change us and make a commitment to seek what we desire for real...while we have all heard the term "all that glitters ain't gold" sometimes we get lost in the sparkle and get diverted by some "fad or gimmick" that takes us away from the real desire of our heart. We all deserve (to borrow a quote from a friend) "not just the sizzle but the steak". It is essential that we are able to distinguish the difference for ourselves and not settle for anything less.

I remember seeing a chameleon every time I glanced at my reflection, Myla.

I remember seeing a different shade
in every mirror-gaze on the same day
Different world today
Different girl today
Colder heart today
Roles and parts I play

All attitudes, personalities, potentialities
are vivid
Conformed to your current fantasy
and how you wanted me
to live it

Cried on prints
while in the darkroom
Beneath my scales
where my heart looms
past the ruins of my true self
where no one else dare walk to

Every heartbreak erased who I am
Empty man as my scales colors ran Loins or love, I always had to choose
So my lizard ooze slid both in hand

Now I seek atonement for the hearts and minds
Precious moments that I left behind
It seems fitting
that I'm lonesome
and my ways have left me colorblind

Dedicated to Maria Mootoo

Thank you The Flow

. The Prime Relationship
Am I looking for someone to complete ME?

I believe trying to complete someone has too many drawbacks. You can inadvertantly become a crutch that causes debilitating affects when removed.
It is better to see if you and another compliment one another. Then provide the one you care for the tools towards the completion of themselves.

2. Getting to know someone
Or is it all about YOU?

Some people are find it hard to open up yet are always a steady ear.

Some people prefer to overly cater or be submissive. There exists relationships that thrive in this disproportionate manner.

3. Relationship Dictionary
Do you mean what I mean?

Miscommunication is a major reason why things start off cheery and end dreary.

My question is, "Do you mean what you say?" Most of the women I encounter believe they have to play Ms. Goody2shoes Neverdida dudedirty. I tell them up front that I'll accept your flaws as long as you admit them and work to better yourself. Nevertheless, I've been hearing the same statement-"I didn't think a guy like you would accept those types of things."

4. male/female roles
Is it real or Memorex?

Some people don't even know who they truly are let alone the roles they should and do play.

5. Redefining relationships
Does the Emperor have new clothes?

Redefining,reinventing, renovation, and form of positive change is extremely healthy in a relationship.

How lovely is the vision in the scene I had of you. I have to thank you for liberating yourself. I felt your freedom through your loins. Thank you.

I wonder what the morning after read like?

The need for power and control is required for the ego to maintain itself.

We (our egos) believe that if we had more money, dated a wonderful person, had a more gratifying job (etc) then we'd be happy. Thus assuming happiness would exist if we HAD those things, we then backtrack and realise that presently we dont - thus we become dissatisfied with the present moment.

In a similar way the desire to have power and control gives the illusion of security where our fickle selves (egos) remain safe from harm, rejection, judgement and pain. Of course this isn't the case in reality as ego driven behaviour by its very nature creates drama, conflict and suffering.

I think the root cause is lack of self love, leading to an intense feeling of vulnerability. The ego believes under such circumstances that the best form of defence is attack and hence attempts to manipulate others into a position where they are contolled and unable to threaten the attacker.

Of course when anyone is attacked their own ego tends to step up to the plate and there's either a counter attack or the taking on of a victim mentality. Having a victim mentality also capitalises upon drama and conflict, becoming inflated with each 'attack'.

Interesting things egos ;)

Adam.

Yesterday as I walked out for lunch I found myself behind a group of 4 adolescent females who appeared to be about 14 or 15 years of age. They were engaged in an animated and lively discussion about what's important to girls that age...boys. As they teased and cajoled one another, it was clear, that they had a whole lot of living and loving ahead of them. I smiled to myself, as I was momentarily reminded of me so many years ago and what I wish someone had told me then about love and relationships and men and stuff. But then as I recalled, there were probably many someones who did try to enlighten me.
How do we figure it all out? I suppose that this quest for the truth about love and relationships is perhaps more experiential than logic would dictate it to be. We have our spiritual teachings, our "for better or worse" role models, romantic ideals and notions, the media, hormones and everything else we gather along the way, still there is no one size fit all definition or understanding. As we all strive to develop a personal philosphy and style that we can articulate and share with those we encounter, there is much trial and error. I'm not sure there is an alternative to living through it all, picking up broken pieces along the way, and going for the gusto.
If there were a course of study, a scripture, a volume of books or even the wise counsel of experts to assuredly guide us through the maize, maybe divorce rate statistics would tell a different story. Since there is no fail safe remedy or recipe for success, we all have an obligation to write our definitions, tell our stories and be open for this gift that we desire and deserve-love.
Yes, I must confess there was a time when I simply believed in knights in shining armor and happily ever after. And as I listened to my young sisters, I realized that while they may have different verbiage for those sentiments, they're probably feeling that way too.
I remain optimistic that love in its purest form not only exists but perserveres. I would not trade anything in the world for the experience gained when I allow myself to love as I understand it. Whether it is my love for God, my husband, my family or friends, my life journey is enriched and encouraged because I remain open to the process.

The challenge is that we have not been socialized to see loving and being loved as a process to be open to, but as a fixed, idealized sound bite, that, like oil and water do not mix well with the reality of life. Loving and being loved is a living, breathing, transmuting process. It is not something to be put on a shelf to be worshiped, but a garment to be worn and lived in.

"Relationships should be venues for mutual growth and self-discovery. As stated in the book "The Seven Levels of Intimacy" by Mahtew Kelly, "the purpose relationships should be to be conducive to each partner becoming the best version of themselves."

I agree with this statement, however getting there sometimes takes years of personal growth and maturity. It takes a lot of growth to have the ability to set aside your own selfishness to selflessly desire and seek the best in someone else...thus the saying that real relationships are for true "grown-ups."

However...getting there takes a lot of self reflection. I think we aren't real with our personal expectations when it comes to relationships. Everyone isn't at a place, mentally, to commit to a real relationship. It only happens when two people, of like mind sets, connect, at the right time...

Its a lot to think about.

The Intimate Enemy Within

How are we partners with the paths that we end up taking that seems to be so contrary to the desires of our hearts? Are we victims? Or are we willing participants in our outcomes, from beginning to end? In our ascent for spiritual fulfillment, we must learn to let go and release ourselves from what is self limiting. Letting go and growing beyond who and what we have been up till this moment requires a gradual awakening to what no longer works for us, followed by the inner work to release it. Following this is the realization that holding on is of no further use. Those old tried and true solutions bring us no comfort. The spiritual work of letting go and growing begins with embracing and daring to act upon.

The missing half of our lives is letting go. Letting go not only hold the key for ending what is unwanted, but the birth of a new nature. Letting go is strictly an inside job. Trying to change your life without doing the inner work, is like convincing yourself that a merry-go-round has a destination. We can decide to get off whenever want. The lesson in any painful emotional collision isn’t in the crash. We often blame the other driver, get another car, and take another road starting the cycle once more. Each collision is trying to teach us is the only thing wrong in our life is the current driver, who says he knows the way home, but obviously he doesn’t. We must learn to stop trying to change what we are getting for ourselves, and change what we are giving to ourselves. A book can have all sorts of maps pointing us in the direction of a meadow with beautiful flowers, but in order to get there, we must do the walking. And until then, we will continue partnering with the intimate enemy within.
What are your thoughts?

This is an interesting topic, I was raised to the religous beliefs about sex having it's place in the confines of "marriage". But I have very different thoughts about it's place through trial and error. I erred in marriage a few times only to find complete incompatibility. (There's another conversation) However, the "feel good" emotion of sex has many dynamics to it and outside of marriage is explored. The dynamics of sexual encounter was meant to be one portion toward completion in the order of a relationship. In my humble opinion it has become the basis of relationships and my question to the world is why? True it's very gratifying, but I would like to think that the gratification of a relationship should be enhanced by the sexual relationship and not "driven" by the sexual realationship. (Yes?) So now we tap into the man's ability to delve into "relationship" mode not just the hit it and quit it but actually wanting to engage into the learning of who he is engaged with. Although biblically this is putting the cart before the horse by having sex first, it is a thought process toward my question of why does "sex" drive our relationship, more importantly what "should" drive our relationship - toward success.

Sex does not drive relationships, it is the pathology of meanings that we bring to sex and sexuality that does not affirm and honor our highest selves that currently dominate our relationships. We are sexual beings. This is a proven and acknowledged fact from infancy through adolescence to adulthood. This is whether we are abstinent, celibate or sexually active. Our sexuality is merely an expression of our being human (as quite as it is kept).

Discovering who we are sexually is part of the human development process of realization of who we are as a unique individual. Some discover their sexual selves and are empowered by it, many, due to the stigma placed upon sex by organized religion drown in a sea a shame, guilt and doubt, even within the confines of marriage or a committed relationship.

In The FLOW, we often quote, Mathew Kelly from his book “The Seven Levels of Intimacy.” Here he states that the purpose of a relationship is for each partner “to assist the other to become the best version of themselves.” Relationships should be a process of individual and mutual growth and discovery, sexual, spiritual, intellectual, emotional, and physical, and beyond.

Our capacity for healthy partnering has much to do with how do we come to terms with archaic messages and directives that playout in our heads and lives over and over again, robbing us of the ability to be in healthy communion with ourselves and others. Who we are, apart from our history and asigned script is where our true nature awaits us. We have become more an adaptation which is really the echo and not the voice.

The beginning of self enlargement begins with the death unto the old, or we die living calcified lives. Resisting the many deaths within,that life deamands of us, we resist the path into a larger self. The archaic self continues to be an impediment to the lives we truly desire. The ego will resist an overthrow and will fight for our spiritual demise,as we carryout the role of double agent with the intimate enemy within. As we try to avoid the kryptonite and moments of ambuguity in our lives, we risk growth over security. We must learn to recognize when we are holding onto the past, particularly the limiting past, grudges, injuries and past wounds to prevent them from dominating our present, giving life to the intimate enemy witihn.

Like love, diets are verbs, not a noun.

"the enescapable truth of any relationship
is that it can achieve no higher level of
maturity that both parties bring to it."

James Hollis, PH.D.
"Finding Meaning In The Second Half of
Life: How To Finally Grow Up."

I certainly agree with the focus of this article. In working with couples and individuals who are seeking understanding about their relationships/intimate partner relationships, I tell them it is either "Repeate or Repair". Change is an "inside job", and we must understand where we have been, in order to not go there again...or at least not to stay as long as one historically may have. Family of origin issues must be explored as the parental relationship was the first model of a relationship, and an intimate partner relationship in particular that one experiences. It matters little if the parents were together or not, the influence is there ( as reflected for example in the impact of "absent fathers/mothers").
This is my first visit to this site and I have found it to be thought provoking. I appreciate the dialogues. I will be a frequent visitor.

One positive way of repairing our relationships with one another, is to be self-expressive. This is often where we get hung up. What can, do or should I say when I know that meaningful expression is called for?

Well CowrieCards.com offers one such way to do so, in an environment that speaks to us, as a people.

Choose from an assortment of ecards from several categories (don't be limited to them), and let those people in your life know that you are thinking of them and just how you feel.

Peace & Blessing ~ Henry

Thank you, Roz for the power of your words. Very inspirational.

You can have a man that has been blessed with the finances to take care of family. But is he mature enough to do it. Some men are used to having women take care of them and not have the maturity to know in a relationship it takes two to work for financial stability. I know because I was married and my ex-husband had a beautiful job, but that was not enough he did not understand the true meaning of love and commitment and working together. I had to let our house go, but in this lesson I realize that I will have to make sure I do not put all my eggs in one basket. Put monies away for a rainy day. I was the one paying all the bills. I had to file bankruptcy. I feel that there is no problem checking the financial history of the person. We all have problems but we need to be more cautious and watch for the wolves in sheep clothing. ( That includes women too). Yes some women look at dollar signs. I look for the maturity in handling money. If you can not handle your finances. You may not know how to handle a relationship.

Intriging insight! I agree that the past is in the past. We must agree to move forward and let the healing begin. Healing is most important. If we are not healed, we stand to loose more than just a relationship. A little bit of ourselves is lost in every relationship that does not work out, because of so much baggage. We must forgive and love ourselves, even though we messed up. Forgiveness is a very powerful tool.

Loved your article.

It seems that in this age, people choose their partners by looks and the twitch they feel, and run head first into a dead-end relationship, rather than seeing who that person is inside, as well as learning who they are inside.

I just wish I had learned that myself, years ago.

Best Wishes

I'll try to check on with the site. I hope it's helpful.

Hi !

I liked your article very much. Your article had inspired me very much ,I had a dance with my love one.

Maxcy

This is so serious. I've been thinking more and more over the past year that maybe the reason I can't seem to stay in a relationship and run at the first sign of trouble is because of my absent father.

KUDOS Katurah!!!!! I feel a much needed book coming on....
This is a most excellent article...I will be sharing it and I know all will be blessed by your sage insights.

Lora

We all agree that man-sharing has massive complications, and the causes are as numerable as the individuals involved. However, in al these discussions, I am yet to hear the single biggest factor, regardless of the circumstance. Man-Sharing's biggest benefactor is Choice!
I have been shared in my life, there have been no secrets about any part of it. It probably would still be were it not for other people's opinions bearing pressure on the ladies I was in love with... and it was generally pressure from single women friends without lovers of their own, (don't ever underestimate the power of opinion)
It all ended the same as it started, with all of us choosing that the pressure on the ladies was greater than the benefits of maintaining the relationship; after all, regardless of everything, we do live on planet earth.
It is important for whomever reads this post to understand that this was no orgy as most people believed at the time. I only saw the two women, I have no friends, was always home on time, no clubbing & meeting new people, there was no player-jive around. and so forth. These were down to earth wholesome relationships we chose to enter into. parental duties were shared all around. We were a family, the only tragedy was living in America, and the unwillingness of the women to consider living in Africa where we could have got married and lived on without the rubbish.
When it ended, it all ended. There could be no survivor because it would be unfair. I am back in Africa, in a monogamous relationship with a fantastic but much younger woman, they have been bouncing from bad relationship to worse. I miss the children, and they miss me (no children came from the relationship, each had their own).
The sad tragedy is that I am writing about the most fulfilling relationship I ever had. I was a great and fantastic father to eleven children (five of my own, four from the one relationship, and two from the other) who are all left rather confused and betrayed.
In emphasis, there is absolutely very little wrong with polygamy. It is the intent behind the start of everything that determines how things turn out. It is not good enough to say "I am seeing someone" while chatting someone up. Introduce her, put a face to the name. engage the relationship with the noblest of intentions, be truthful, and commit. The other day, i was looking at an article on the HIV rate among black Americans and the shocking reality of matters is that everyone is aware it is there, but nobody wants to know about it. until the demon is confronted, which is the stigma placed on matters like these s taboo, undesirable, or to be avoided, we perpetuate the abuse we put ourselves through.
Should love happen, and it is in an environment that permits man, or woman sharing. If that environment is truthful, and transparent, and is fortified by true commitment; I would gladly find myself loving more than one woman again. It was a wonderful experience for me. i am the only person who survived it, not because I am a man, but because I accepted responsibility for the first and last step of it .... I took responsibility for my CHOICEs, including the bad that happened when it all ended.
I am by no means advocating man or woman sharing as a means of life. I am saying that if it a choice to be made, it must be made wisely, carefully, and with absolute honesty, which seldom exists in general society. people fail dismally when it comes to the honesty part, ... honesty was never convenient.

You are so right Katurah! I felt myself nodding my head the entire time.

I totally agree that marriage is a process and not just an event. The person you marry changes from day to day and year to year as you do yourself. No one can fully comprehend at the outset of marriage how different life challenges (kids, economic forces, health issues, etc.) will affect your individual response to these challenges or your partner's response to these challenges. The hope is that the married couple's maturity, love and respect for one another will provide the needed strength and wisdom required to successfully negotiate life's challenges.

The problem is that often the parties in a relationship fall out of balance with regard to maturity, love and respect during their time together. For example, one party may be more mature than the other party with regard to expressing feelings. On the other hand, another party may be more mature with regard to handling finances than the other. The challenge for all couples in a relationship is to make sure these potential imbalances do not become severe or last too long. Otherwise, such imbalances unchecked can cause great damage to the strongest of relationships.

"AS IS"is an excellent concept to keep in mind when seeking a mate.
I will share this concept with my family and friends.
I will also reference this website. Thank you Katurah for sharing!

I am looking forward to seeing this film. I will look forward to using it as a tool for discussion at my "Sister Circle" gatherings, as well as in my women's therapy groups. I celebrate the brother for lending his voice and talents to dispell the myths about our beautiful black brothers. We all (men and women) are works in progress. As health care professionals, we know that if there is a positive prognosis we are more aggressive in pursuing a positive outcome. From the trailer of this film, the prognosis looks good for our brothers and most importantly for our community.
I want to thank The FLOW for exposing us to cutting edge information that will make a difference in our relationships as African American men and women.

Hi All,

I am new to this forum so be nice to me :)

I recently moved to Charlotte, I am Single and struggling to find where people hang out, how do people make connections.
I am in my 30s, so not really looking for anything crazy, just regular, fun, normal people to connect with.
Also, does anyone here have any experience with The Relationship Company?
I saw their ad on the TV and just curious if people have had success?
Anyway, hope to make some new friends here.

Delisha

Interesting, we often say that the past is the past yet at times "the past is always present" via our unconscious and concious projections and transference. Yet we must forgive, love, take risks and move-on. Healing is continuous and we should always remember a basic math concept that "in a series of plusses and minuses all units are cumulative"

Forgiveness is more a spiritual internal mechanism, for an individual to move forward despite the condition of their relationship with another. Sometimes, connections can prove to be toxic, and waiting for someone to arrive to a point of accepting responsibility, may never come, depending on how they arrive to a sense of self.

Some of us, clumsily travel through life, unaware of how and what we say and do impact others around us, a rather unconscious approach, demanding that others, support an ego existence, which leaves very little room for their self examination. Spiritual and emotional maturartion is a conscious process. No matter what anyone does, you decide to take a path, that will promote your higher existence, resolved or not with another. To the degree you have self love,the better you are able to contribute to your relationships in a more conscious and healthy fashion, taking responsibility,for those lower egoic GI movements.

Relationships driven by commerce, often requires one, to tolerate and accept, what one would not under other circumstances. Strength is in the knowledge of understanding the social dynamics that drive these involuntary connections and parties involved, watching them unfold, and using them as life’s lessons, which otherwise, we would terminate. However, keeping focused on the higher goal, you move forward while learning lessons of the human condition that promotes your growth, spiritually and emotionally.

As we gain more sophistication psychologically, we understand why people do what they do, as we grow spiritually, there's no point commenting on it. You just watch, and augment you empathy, and understand that the past is always present in each and every one of us, and that we all contribute to the assets and liabilities in all of our relationship, though some more to one side of the equation, than the other, everyone’s on their unique journey.

As always "THE FLOW" gives us food for thought. I believe couples need to spend more time becoming "friends" first. When one thinks of the commitment involved in establishing a friendship, prospective intimate partners would be served to establish such a foundation first. "Good friends" are trustworthy; honest with you; caring and loving to you. Good Friends are loyal, and have like goals and values. Should we expect anything less from our intimate partner. Unfortunately in today's society the "physical"/sexual joining is touted as the primary goal vs.the spiritual and intellectual joining that is lasting. Those couples who are blessed to grow and "mature" together,speak about the friendship they have that sustains the relationship. Thank you again for providing a space for healthy dialog about this most important issue.

The basic human nature is to be connected with other human beings. We attest to the power of positive family connections. The same holds true for our desire to be in an intimate partner relationship, to have that sense of connectedness. So if any problem arises, it is always recommended to visit Marriage & Family Therapist (MFT).

I attended the forum at the Harlem Book Fair. It was a wonderful, thought provoking, and lively discussion. It provided much discussion over dinner with my friends and the train ride back to CT. We are anxiously awaiting the upcoming book that was mentioned. Please keep me on the list as to when it will be on the shelf. I can't wait to buy my copy. I anticipate it will be a great tool to use in my work with couples and those seeking to be in a couple relatiohship.

have never thought about it like that before. Thanks so much for the depth and understanding at which you covered the topic. it's a useful piece of information not only for me but for many others. have read a lot on the topic at different blogs and books (download mainly from http://www.picktorrent.com but this piece really gives food for thought

At times couples are squabbing over money matters and their relationships affects a lot because of this. i too was one of the victim to this and i was adviced by one of my friend to get rid of this and i did ...
and it really works

Wow!!! I can not wait to read the book. I am already inspired by the 10 Commandments and I will certainly try to clear my calendar for September 19th!!!

Your commandments are definitely important steps to not just a "good" but healthy loving relatinship. But unless an individual is willing to do the self work and take responsibiliy for choices and their outcomes all the commandnments, tenants, edicts, and laws in the world will be ineffective.

Hi everybody, lets discuss dating sites! I have been registered at the numerous dating sites but there was no results, and once I came across the brides agency site and was really amazed! What a wonderful and beautiful girls and women were there!! After a few days of corresponding I realized that I met real love. Now we are together and we are happy! So I do recommend you to visit
http://lerogetour.com/en/dating, you will not regret!

Great beginning!!! I will make every effort to be in the place to support you! One must take active steps to have a healthy relationship! Thanks for your insights!!!

The Ten Commandments are about understanding that so much more goes into relationship choices. One has to make sure that they are whole to improve their chances of meeting a whole person. The more whole you are the better you will feel. And, hopefully, you will not tolerate anybody whose behavior does not facilitate your happiness. Therefore, your being whole should attract you to a whole person too. Remember, some guys are just tall and thats all and some pretty women are pretty ugly (inside). To make good relationship choices it first starts with you embracing the understanding that if you change the way you look at things, the things you look at will change.

Wow! The 10 commandments are the thesis for an lasting loving relationship. I am sure that there are some loopholes but they in my opinion are the meat and potatoes involving any couple successfully maintaining a loving relationship.

Great work!

I will pass it on to all.

Asking questions to a relationship panel must be a little awkward and embarrassing.

As a veteran of net dating for over a year, I can say that it is just like real life dating except you have to kiss a lot more frogs before you find your princess/prince. The amount of “game” you run into is multiplied due to the large number of people and the anonymity it offers, so beware. Being honest with yourself and those you meet helps cut thru much of that. I think honesty is the most important thing in relationships and in life. Why play? I know it scares most people, but I believe that is a good thing. One less frog to kiss.

Things I’ve learned from net dating:

1. Have a sense of humor
2. Don’t take yourself too seriously.
3. Don’t take most of the people you will meet too seriously either.
4. Good pictures are easy to find....and copy and paste too.
5. Have a sense of humor.
6. Be honest in your profile. Be yourself…not who you THINK someone wants you to be.
7. Be patient with the process.
8. NO one from Nigeria is really looking for a serious relationship…except with your bank account.
9. Have a REALLY good sense of humor.
10. Know when to stop trying.
11. Accept rejection. It probably saved you a lot of angst.
12. Remember…many out there really have no clue what they want…profiles notwithstanding.
13. ALWAYS meet on neutral ground. And NOT just for the first meeting either.
14. Did I mention that you should have a good sense of humor?

All relationships are different. Some need peace, some need conflict. Don't try to come up with a definition for a "successful relationship" because it will only isolate people who have different views.

I agree, ther is no one template for successful relationships. However, regardless of the individual differences, healthy relationships do share common qualities. Does this relationship make me feel good about myself? Does this relationship facilitate mental, spiritual or emotional growth? Is there authentic communication between us? Can we expose and talk about our vunerabilities to each other? Achieving even some of this qualities will go a long way to promoting health and real intimacy in relationships.

love is the ability to have the strength and will power to put the needs of your mate before the needs and wants of yourself without compromising your belief system -- it is a fine line -- and a test of will, strength and belief in yourself -- but the ability to walk this fine line defines love -- for you do not surrender your true self -- yet you are tested to fulfill the needs of your mate!

Thanks so much for your comments Evelyn,

In The FLOW we say that a healthy, self afffirming love begins with the quality of the relationship you have with yourself. We believe if you don't love yourself first, it will impede your ability to give a healthy love, and to receive it as well.

I would offer a different definition of love than your your own, from the the book "The Mirages of Marriage". "When the satisfaction or the security of another becomes as significant to one as is one's own satisfction or security, then the state of love exists." I believe that leaving your own growth and development out of the relaitonship equation leads only to a lack of satisfaction the inability to achieve the goal of healthy loving and being loved.

Right! Love is not demanding for it is patience and the most of all is that love forgives.

All of your poems are so great. You write with such passion and you are a wonderful writer. Thank you for sharing this website.

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Just wanted to comment on a question that came up during one of your shows regarding our society becoming less"chaste" than we were in the past.

Religion was in large part responsible for our society's putting such a huge taboo on sex. I think it was to control the vast unwashed masses among other reasons. Something that feels so good just could NOT be right in many minds because of this guilt that was hammered into most of us.

But of Course we are sexual beings!
Who/what ever "designed" us must have had a reason for putting 20 nerve endings per square inch on our fingers and 20,000 nerve endings per square inch on our genitalia! It was so we would use it I suspect.

Unfortunately, many do not take advantage of this wonderful gift we were given and instead try to make it bad, dirty or something to be ashamed of. And the real crime is we pass that crap unto our children!
Then you add our male dominated societys need to make women bad about their sexuality. That's why we have so many women who wouldn't know an orgasm if it walked up to them, slapped them, and yelled "I'M AN ORGASM!!!" This, I feel is also a crime.
I commend the sister with the store who is trying to help couples explore, enhance and enchant their love lives. We need many many more like her!

Just my nickle. (Opinion price being adjusted up from $0.02 due to inflation)

After listening to your show yesterday, I only have one request.

PLEASE let me know where I can donate a couple of cases of "Merlot" every month so that we can keep Rajen in the basement!
It never ceases to amaze me how folks become that which they, in essence, rail against!

He is the reflection of the black men who say they only date white women because black women are too loud, brash, harsh, critical, blah blah blah.

Do his ideas apply to some? I'm so sure they do!
But the SWEEPING statements he makes about black men and women just makes him the different side of the same coin of the folks that want to believe that black men have huge monster penii, black women are sex crazed jungle bunnies, yadda yadda yadda.
That kind of rhetoric helps no one!
And his anger was palpable!

I think Rajen's conclusions came from a very narrow research focus. I agree that there appears to be pathology operating where we consistently see prominent black men marrying white women from lower economic classes while the opposite, white men marrying black women of lower economic status is clearly not as prevalent.

However, this is a small part of the interracial unions out there. Interracial relationships and marriages run the gamut of social and economic classes, a variety of outcomes, and involve individuals of varying backgrounds and histories.

The pathology of racism has many varied itinerations, that present themselves in a variety of ways. Rajen characterization presents just one example of the varied effects of racism.

On the other hand, I don't believe that all interracial relationships are pathological. And, as we all know, Relationships of individuals of the same ethnicitiy are far from idillic.

Maybe we see it more because that is what the media will focus on? I've known plenty of wealthy white men who married sisters that were not their economic equal. I’ve received a few of those proposals myself. As I said, I’m sure that those old “scripts" figure into some of these unions. But to say that they are ALL based on them is just stupid in my not so humble opinion.

My concern is that books like Rajen's just add to the disconnect, bitterness, and negativity that exists already between black men and women. Instead of focusing on how to avoid the assholes by working on self, you give folks an excuse to continue making the same mistake and expect a different result. To not look within for solutions to their dilemmas, but continue to look without, find someone else to blame. That to me is so unhealthy. We are all guilty of it at times, and it is hard enough to stop. When you have folks selling books that help you to stay "stuck on stupid", it becomes even harder, and voices like yours (the flow) get lost in the din of that insanity.

Couldn’t agree with you more adam1
I’d like to add that the ego of most abusers is much more fragile than most folks due to their history. I have found that abuser came from abusive backgrounds that never gave their self esteem a chance to develop. They are in essence frightened kids in big grown up clothes. As such they need to step on others to lift themselves up when they refuse to confront the issues inside that led to this stunted sense of self. I would go so far to say that having found someone who will give them the love that they do not feel worthy of, they must attack them to feed the monster. This is the only way that they can feel “good’ about self without actually doing the work it would take to confront the demons that drive them to this behavior.

I commend the guests on the Blogradio show of Oct 25. They were open and I enjoyed their honesty. I agree with Lisa in that the male take personal responsibility regarding his sexuality/sexual preferences. I believe in partners having the right to know, so they can make an informed decision as to whether to engage in the relationship...or not.If the person chooses to not be honest and/or inform the female partner of his activities, that is almost a "homicidial" act, as it is obvious the male has NO REGARD for the woman's life,health and general well being. He is therefore a "danger to others, which is the definition of "homicidal" tendencies. Honesty is always the best policy...even when it hurts!

thank you for the interesting article.

The monogamy itself hasn't ever existed because it contradicts the human phisiology, the relationship between sexes is an individual issue and there are no similar istances within the whole mankind. Do you agree?

Oh my LORD!

That little "ditty' sounds like the book "The Rules"!

Stop using sex as a tool!
Stop the "games"! And please STOP feeding into society's "construct"!

This was so refreshing. Sex should not be suppressed.

does sound a lot like 'the rules' but everybody is playing games these days. It's not a good thing but it's what dating has come too unfortunately.

Great post

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I really enjoyed this article! It has a lot of good points in it. Thanks for sharing!

I agree so much, you have to make a connection with someone with dancing or another shared passion! Relationships can be a heaven on earth if you are patient and take your advice in your posting, great work and look forward to your next one!!!