As a Friend of The FLOW, Ms. Katurah Bryant was invited to share her insight on relationships. Through her employ in the mental health field, she has assisted hundreds of men and women in arriving to a point of mindful living and loving. As she has said, “We are all on a journey of self awareness, of becoming more insightful…. As a therapist, I continue on this path, recognizing it ultimately enlarges me as a person and makes me a better therapist.

The Universe speaks to you loud and clear.” In sharing her experiences from individual and couple therapy, it becomes clear that the challenges she witnesses in her practice are not necessarily a collective segregation, but an aggregate expression of the human experience. She is preparing for a new journey into private practice, and when available, The FLOW will provide contact information. The FLOW welcomes Ms.Bryant.

It is human nature to be connected with other human beings. We attest to the power of positive family connections, whether it is one’s given family or “chosen” family. Connections keep us grounded. The same holds true for our desire to be in an intimate partner relationship, to have that sense of connectedness.

Unfortunately, in this day and time, people have come to believe that they “need” to be in a relationship to be validated as a woman/man, or to experience a sense of worth; to feel “complete.” This drive oftentimes lends itself to one making unhealthy choices in intimate partner relationships. A client of mine described her experience as her “man-picker” was broken, after a series of failed relationships that were all too similar. Her goal in therapy was to “fix her picker”.

We began a journey by looking at her behavior before and during these relationships. It was important for her to understand that her ability to “pick” was related to the choices she was making. What was most crucial in her change process, was for her to acquire insight regarding understanding and embracing the consequences of her choices, both positive and negative. It was not so much that her “picker” as broken, as her not examining the possible consequences of her choices before making a commitment.

In adult intimate partner relationships, each person presents a neon sign on their forehead that flashes, “AS IS.” It does NOT say, “You can change me,” or “I am willing to make any adjustments you would like.” That old-school song said it best, “What you see, is what you get!” The client was encouraged to practice healthy choice making. She made a list of things she absolutely adored about her prospective partner, as well as things she found annoying, that “plucked her last nerve.” She was reminded that he was, “AS IS.” We examined those attributes of her prospective partner she identified as cons/challenges.

The client came to understand that “change” was an inside job, and the only person she could change was herself. She became aware that she could choose to make adjustments to live with the cons/challenges that her partner brought to the relationship, or not. She was empowered to make the choice of whether to continue in the relationship, embracing the reality that there were no expectations that the annoyances would disappear once she committed to the relationship, and her partner was “AS IS.”

We also examined the pros/positives that her prospective partner brought to the relationship. She was able to recognize the strength of character, of honesty and trustworthiness he brought to the relationship. In addition she noted she appreciated the caring things he did for her, and him honoring her as a woman…as HIS woman. He was a good provider, and together she recognized they could provide each other a comfortable lifestyle. She looked at her list and assessed that the positives far out weighed the challenges. She chose to “pick” her partner with her eyes wide open, lovingly embracing him… “AS IS.”

Relationship success, as Katurah makes clear is an "inside job." John Welwood, in his book Love and Awakening says "How we relate to someone we love... provides an extremely clear and accurate picture of how we relate to ourlesves." Do you see love and relationships as an end in themselves or a path to self knowledge and personal growth? Please share you comments or send an email to flow4theworld@comcast.net.