There was a beacon of light of enlightenment in Newark, New Jersey on March 21, 2009, as the men of the FLOW facilitated a lively discussion about Marriage: Myths and Reality of the Relationship.

We were all reminded of the current rate of marriages and that 50% end in divorce. The audience was challenged to contemplate a number of questions. We were asked to define “marriage”, and the definitions were as varied as there were those present. The question was raised if gender influenced our perception, expectations, and/or behavior in the marriage. Is there a clear definition of gender roles in marriage, or due to the transient nature of families and the economy, the lines of roles is diffused.

Finally the question was posed as to what defines a “successful” marriage, and if, when and how does one come to terms to dissolve the marriage.

At the end of the forum there were several truths that resonated:

• The key to a successful marriage/relationship is to have a healthy relationship with “self”. We must look within ourselves in order to have successful relationships with others. Each interaction affords us another opportunity for growth; to learn a life lesson. In doing this you may journey with someone for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
• Marriage is a process not an event. Marriage is a beginning of a relationship where people evolve from being single, to being a couple to being partners in life. Marriage gives each person an opportunity to assist the other to become the best version of their selves.
• Communication is the key. It is through open and honest communication that trust is built. It is with trust that one takes greater risks to be more open and honest with their partner. Communication is essential as it allows both parties to become clear about the direction of the relationship and to have mutual goals. It is important to have conversations about “sensitive” issues prior to marriage (ideally) about such topics as money/finances; sex; spirituality/religion; parenting, to name a few.
• Have a spiritual foundation. A spiritual foundation fosters respect in the relationship. Respect for one’s self, the relationship and others.
• Experience, Common Sense and Maturity supports a healthy marriage. The ultimate goal is to mature as people in the marriage.

The maturity comes as a result of learning life lessons from mutual experiences. As we grow older we embrace those lessons and use common sense in dealing with life challenges. Maturity tells us that “this too shall pass” and the relationship will be the stronger for it. The conclusion of this spirited discussion was for one to do their personal inventory of the relationship and to have regular check-ins with their partner. How the marriage supports the emotional, spiritual and intellectual growth individually as well as a couple supports a healthy relationship and marriage.

Myla is a performance poet, published author, and FLOW Poet in Residence. Look for her book of poetry My Poetry My Words.

This Place

There is a place where I must dig down
Deep
Into a heart that is hurting
An emotion I must name
Although I do not want to feel right now
To suppress is only to prolong
Some things will not simply go away
They must be worked through
Dealt with
And peace must be made
Center
A place where I am myself
Not being distracted by nonsense
Or by people to whom I have long ago said good-bye
Focus
On the feeling
On the emotion
On the healing
Which must take place
Which will take place
There is where quality
decisions can be made

As a Friend of The FLOW, Ms. Katurah Bryant was invited to share her insight on relationships. Through her employ in the mental health field, she has assisted hundreds of men and women in arriving to a point of mindful living and loving. As she has said, “We are all on a journey of self awareness, of becoming more insightful…. As a therapist, I continue on this path, recognizing it ultimately enlarges me as a person and makes me a better therapist.

The Universe speaks to you loud and clear.” In sharing her experiences from individual and couple therapy, it becomes clear that the challenges she witnesses in her practice are not necessarily a collective segregation, but an aggregate expression of the human experience. She is preparing for a new journey into private practice, and when available, The FLOW will provide contact information. The FLOW welcomes Ms.Bryant.

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“AS IS…”
Katurah A. Bryant, LMFT

It is human nature to be connected with other human beings. We attest to the power of positive family connections, whether it is one’s given family or “chosen” family. Connections keep us grounded. The same holds true for our desire to be in an intimate partner relationship, to have that sense of connectedness.

Unfortunately, in this day and time, people have come to believe that they “need” to be in a relationship to be validated as a woman/man, or to experience a sense of worth; to feel “complete.” This drive oftentimes lends itself to one making unhealthy choices in intimate partner relationships. A client of mine described her experience as her “man-picker” was broken, after a series of failed relationships that were all too similar. Her goal in therapy was to “fix her picker”.

We began a journey by looking at her behavior before and during these relationships. It was important for her to understand that her ability to “pick” was related to the choices she was making. What was most crucial in her change process, was for her to acquire insight regarding understanding and embracing the consequences of her choices, both positive and negative. It was not so much that her “picker” as broken, as her not examining the possible consequences of her choices before making a commitment.

In adult intimate partner relationships, each person presents a neon sign on their forehead that flashes, “AS IS.” It does NOT say, “You can change me,” or “I am willing to make any adjustments you would like.” That old-school song said it best, “What you see, is what you get!” The client was encouraged to practice healthy choice making. She made a list of things she absolutely adored about her prospective partner, as well as things she found annoying, that “plucked her last nerve.” She was reminded that he was, “AS IS.” We examined those attributes of her prospective partner she identified as cons/challenges.

The client came to understand that “change” was an inside job, and the only person she could change was herself. She became aware that she could choose to make adjustments to live with the cons/challenges that her partner brought to the relationship, or not. She was empowered to make the choice of whether to continue in the relationship, embracing the reality that there were no expectations that the annoyances would disappear once she committed to the relationship, and her partner was “AS IS.”

We also examined the pros/positives that her prospective partner brought to the relationship. She was able to recognize the strength of character, of honesty and trustworthiness he brought to the relationship. In addition she noted she appreciated the caring things he did for her, and him honoring her as a woman…as HIS woman. He was a good provider, and together she recognized they could provide each other a comfortable lifestyle. She looked at her list and assessed that the positives far out weighed the challenges. She chose to “pick” her partner with her eyes wide open, lovingly embracing him… “AS IS.”

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Relationship success, as Katurah makes clear is an "inside job." John Welwood, in his book Love and Awakening says "How we relate to someone we love... provides an extremely clear and accurate picture of how we relate to ourlesves." Do you see love and relationships as an end in themselves or a path to self knowledge and personal growth? Please share you comments or send an email to flow4theworld@comcast.net.