The dating dance should begin way before actual dating. There are questions to be asked before the plunge is undertaken. What are we really after in the dating process? The standard answers are love, companionship, regular sex, stability, marriage, a willing partner... Despite these answers, too many of us are really looking for mommy or daddy and consequently relationships become venues for working out unresolved parental issues. Audrey Chapman, a family therapist, author, trainer, and nationally-known relationship expert says in her book Getting Good Loving, "The "entitled" individual is really looking for a partner that will take on a parental role. If parents disappointed the individual during childhood, then in adulthood he or she subconsciously makes the leap that a romantic partner can be an ideal parental replacement."

The way to sort through all this is to take your time to get to know the other person. This is crucial in determining if there are issues that impact a healthy, self-affirming relationship. There is no time limit to this process. The first few dates, 3 months, 6 months, etc are all arbitrary parameters that have nothing to do with making a healthy connection. If you are in a rush to connect, why, should be the next question, and where has rushing gotten you in the past.

From a gauntlet of failed expectations, some approach dating with such desperation, that their very actions betray that they have no faith in finding what they seek. Bell Hooks states in her book “All About Love “…we yearn for love—that we seek it—even when we lack hope that it really can be found.” And this lack of hope can be very evident in what in what individuals have settled for that amounts to merely a warm body. The dating dance is really a quest for self validation, a cry “that I am somebody” and I hope that someone else can see me! Taking the time to make a real connection will determine how you are seen and reveal attitudes regarding family, finance, religion and spirituality, personal & career goals, sex & sexuality, children, etc. What I am suggesting is not and interview or a check list.

In a recent Time Magazine article titled “The New Dating Game”, “relationship experts” quoted offered such dating success determinants as accessing character by whether your ring finger is longer than your index finger; “a guy wearing a sweater probably means he already has a girlfriend”; and “wait 90 days before giving [a man] any “benefits.” Is this really the road to healthy connections, or merely one dimensional relationship cartoons, where the characters behaviors consistently deify reality, and consequently fulfillment?

I understand that this is all foreign territory for many, but if we seek to end the merry-go-round of relationships with the same person in a different individual, a different, more introspective approach is in order. This is not a destination, but a journey of personal exploration, as well as exploring who is that other person. Are they really good for you, not just LOOK good to you? Making a connection that is self affirming, that fosters personal growth and not dependence, is the real goal of the dating dance, regardless of all the other things we call it. Magical visions of love or media induced frames or references have nothing to do with this.

That's my take... What’s yours? Share your comments with The FLOW community or send an email to flow4theworld@comcast.net.