An author of the book The (BLACK) Barbershop Monologues, a FLOW panelists and co-moderator, creator of "Color Talk ", a communication tool for couples, and now a regular in The FLOW Experience, Terence has written a powerful, personal, and honest account of his relationship challenges and growth.  In the recent Financial Intimacy forum last month in Newark, New Jersey, Terence gave an equally compelling testimony of how his understanding of how finances and relationships came together to become intimacy. 

By Terence A. Layne

I don't know at what age I accepted the fact every relationship, even the best of relationships, required work and had to withstand challenges and pressures that purposefully and inadvertently seek to bring about its demise or send it off course. In hindsight, I had come to realize that there was something(s) I could have done, or not done to salvage what appeared to be an irreconcilable situation. Of course what I usually did was chalk up the failed relationship as a loss, resigning myself to the conclusion that this person was not my 'soul mate' and settled for that analysis as a means to induce closure.

We all come with character defects and baggage. One of my deepest flaws has been an inability, at times to properly handle my anger, especially in response to a perceived transgression against me. While I am not physically violent toward my mate, I can become enraged and verbally assaultive; though I have become better with the name calling over the years, every now and then I relapse, and this last time, I actually let the "B" word fly out my mouth, not just once, but several times (after the first one, I figured I had nothing to lose), and of course, she was mortified. She walked out of our apartment, and my old buddies, guilt, shame, remorse and fear entered and joined me on the couch.

I need to state right now that my mate is a domestic violence survivor. I knew this coming into the relationship, and tried to evaluate what challenges that may present, in terms of resolving difficulties and conflicts; is there a hyper sensitivity to contend with? I don't believe myself to be an abusive person, so forward I went. In the Domestic Violence Sourcebook (Dawn Bradley Berry, J.D.), domestic violence is described as "... any behavior that is intended to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical assaults... it is the systematic persecution of one partner by another." I have been, and can be verbally abusive, but again (and I realize this may anger some of you), I don't consider myself to be 'an abuser.' In fact, I have received a good deal of abuse myself, physical, verbal and emotional.

What characterizes Verbal Abuse? Is it the use of profanity and name calling? Or is it simply debasing language? And who amongst us hasn't at some point said something(s) to a loved one with intent to disparage, or retaliate or "put someone in their place" when we become defensive or are hurt by someone's actions? After my latest eruption, I decided to seek professional help via an anger management program; not for her sake, but for mine as well. I never again, want to wrongly absolve someone of their hurtful behavior toward me due to my inability to respond appropriately. By allowing my emotions to supersede my intelligence, my reaction vacates the original issue and I am left to deal with unresolved hurt, in addition to guilt from my own behavior... I am tired of that.

The definition of domestic violence, or more specifically, verbal abuse has become so broad, that I doubt there is anyone except the Dalai Lama who hasn't been guilty of it at some point in our lives. The word 'controlling' has become a code word, or a defense to be used when someone objects to one's behavior, even when that behavior is clearly selfish or to another's detriment. I have felt at times, that I simply have to accept and tolerate all kinds of treatment, lest I be accused of being controlling, and by default labeled as abusive. When I look at my relationships, past and present through the lens of the domestic violence movement, I become depressed and frustrated, perceiving that the most well intentioned constructive criticism can be construed as abuse when the receiver is not open minded and receptive.

I choose not to be hopeless. I have to accept that I cannot be perfect. However, I can become better. My hope lies in the belief that others think and believe as I do, coupled with my own willingness to practice tolerance for the shortcomings of others as I grapple with my own. If I have a earnest desire to be a better, loving mate, perhaps my mate does also, and if she doesn't, or that desire is severely limited, through my own growth I become better suited for whomever is to become my soul mate. I'm not saying my fiancé isn't... I've just come to realize that "soul mate' is not an appointment, but a growth process born not entirely out of compatibility, but also out of a strong love and desire to remain compatible.

Hope...

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