NAVIGATE THE RELATIONSHIP LANDSCAPE!

Check out The FLOW in Point of View. A monthly relationship column on the QBR website (WWW.QBR.COM), a new and timeless approach to looking at love and relationships. QBR is the creators and organizers of the Harlem Book Fair, now in its tenth year. As in our live events, the intent is to provide a different conversation regarding love and relationships. We will provide the GPS, not hype, to navigate through today's perplexing relationship terrain. Please join The FLOW in Point of View

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The dating dance should begin way before actual dating. There are questions to be asked before the plunge is undertaken. What are we really after in the dating process? The standard answers are love, companionship, regular sex, stability, marriage, a willing partner... Despite these answers, too many of us are really looking for mommy or daddy and consequently relationships become venues for working out unresolved parental issues. Audrey Chapman, a family therapist, author, trainer, and nationally-known relationship expert says in her book Getting Good Loving, "The "entitled" individual is really looking for a partner that will take on a parental role. If parents disappointed the individual during childhood, then in adulthood he or she subconsciously makes the leap that a romantic partner can be an ideal parental replacement."

The way to sort through all this is to take your time to get to know the other person. This is crucial in determining if there are issues that impact a healthy, self-affirming relationship. There is no time limit to this process. The first few dates, 3 months, 6 months, etc are all arbitrary parameters that have nothing to do with making a healthy connection. If you are in a rush to connect, why, should be the next question, and where has rushing gotten you in the past.

From a gauntlet of failed expectations, some approach dating with such desperation, that their very actions betray that they have no faith in finding what they seek. Bell Hooks states in her book “All About Love “…we yearn for love—that we seek it—even when we lack hope that it really can be found.” And this lack of hope can be very evident in what in what individuals have settled for that amounts to merely a warm body. The dating dance is really a quest for self validation, a cry “that I am somebody” and I hope that someone else can see me! Taking the time to make a real connection will determine how you are seen and reveal attitudes regarding family, finance, religion and spirituality, personal & career goals, sex & sexuality, children, etc. What I am suggesting is not and interview or a check list.

In a recent Time Magazine article titled “The New Dating Game”, “relationship experts” quoted offered such dating success determinants as accessing character by whether your ring finger is longer than your index finger; “a guy wearing a sweater probably means he already has a girlfriend”; and “wait 90 days before giving [a man] any “benefits.” Is this really the road to healthy connections, or merely one dimensional relationship cartoons, where the characters behaviors consistently deify reality, and consequently fulfillment?

I understand that this is all foreign territory for many, but if we seek to end the merry-go-round of relationships with the same person in a different individual, a different, more introspective approach is in order. This is not a destination, but a journey of personal exploration, as well as exploring who is that other person. Are they really good for you, not just LOOK good to you? Making a connection that is self affirming, that fosters personal growth and not dependence, is the real goal of the dating dance, regardless of all the other things we call it. Magical visions of love or media induced frames or references have nothing to do with this.

That's my take... What’s yours? Share your comments with The FLOW community or send an email to flow4theworld@comcast.net.

How much of a woman’s relationship choices are influenced by their fathers? How do father’s impact daughter’s definitions of womanhood, self esteem and intimacy. How many women are trying to make up for the neglect, absence, or abuse of their fathers in their romantic relationships risking their own authenticity and relationship success?

The FLOW has asked these questions at the 2008 Harlem Book Fair with the panel discussion Sins of the Father: How Fathers Impact Daughters Relationships and by popular demand, we repeated this panel at A Good Book bookstore in Baltimore, Maryland in January of 2009. Ray Williams, producer and filmmaker of the documentary film Where Was Daddy was a panelist at both these events.

In Where Was Daddy, Ray explores this generally unrecognized, but significant, universal issue in the lives of women. On his website, www.wherewasdaddy.com Ray notes,

Volumes have been written about the intergenerational degradation of the black father/son relationship and how it has affected the black family structure in America. But it is the relationship a daughter has with her father that cements her perceptions of men and provides the template for which she will use to attract a partner.

Through compelling personal stories, Where Was Daddy paints a picture of women grappling with the issues of self-esteem, acceptance, intimacy, and even the possibility of ever attaining a meaningful relationship, based upon their relationship with their fathers. One woman, poignantly states that “… if my father left me that means that any man can leave me…” “…why am I even worth a man loving me for me, if my father, the man who is supposed to love, left me…”

In the book, When the Past is Present, author David Richo says “…How sad it is that what shaped us became a burden and a secret too.” Ray Williams states that the testimonies of the women in his film become inquiry. The inquiry Intertwined in the stories of these women is how men are the victims of a culture that denies them healthy expressions of love in their relationships with pathological consequences.

Author and social critic Bell Hooks puts it aptly when she says of women, “We learn to love men more because they will not love us. If they dared to love us, in patriarchal culture they would cease to be real men.” Where Was Daddy begins the much needed dialogue that is not so much an indictment of fathers, but a vivid testimony of how their unresolved pain flows through the generations.

Share your comments with The FLOW community or send an email to flow4theworld@comcast.net. For more information regarding Where Was Daddy go to www.wherewasdaddy.com

An author of the book The (BLACK) Barbershop Monologues, a FLOW panelists and co-moderator, creator of "Color Talk ", a communication tool for couples, and now a regular in The FLOW Experience, Terence has written a powerful, personal, and honest account of his relationship challenges and growth.  In the recent Financial Intimacy forum last month in Newark, New Jersey, Terence gave an equally compelling testimony of how his understanding of how finances and relationships came together to become intimacy. 

By Terence A. Layne

I don't know at what age I accepted the fact every relationship, even the best of relationships, required work and had to withstand challenges and pressures that purposefully and inadvertently seek to bring about its demise or send it off course. In hindsight, I had come to realize that there was something(s) I could have done, or not done to salvage what appeared to be an irreconcilable situation. Of course what I usually did was chalk up the failed relationship as a loss, resigning myself to the conclusion that this person was not my 'soul mate' and settled for that analysis as a means to induce closure.

We all come with character defects and baggage. One of my deepest flaws has been an inability, at times to properly handle my anger, especially in response to a perceived transgression against me. While I am not physically violent toward my mate, I can become enraged and verbally assaultive; though I have become better with the name calling over the years, every now and then I relapse, and this last time, I actually let the "B" word fly out my mouth, not just once, but several times (after the first one, I figured I had nothing to lose), and of course, she was mortified. She walked out of our apartment, and my old buddies, guilt, shame, remorse and fear entered and joined me on the couch.

I need to state right now that my mate is a domestic violence survivor. I knew this coming into the relationship, and tried to evaluate what challenges that may present, in terms of resolving difficulties and conflicts; is there a hyper sensitivity to contend with? I don't believe myself to be an abusive person, so forward I went. In the Domestic Violence Sourcebook (Dawn Bradley Berry, J.D.), domestic violence is described as "... any behavior that is intended to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical assaults... it is the systematic persecution of one partner by another." I have been, and can be verbally abusive, but again (and I realize this may anger some of you), I don't consider myself to be 'an abuser.' In fact, I have received a good deal of abuse myself, physical, verbal and emotional.

What characterizes Verbal Abuse? Is it the use of profanity and name calling? Or is it simply debasing language? And who amongst us hasn't at some point said something(s) to a loved one with intent to disparage, or retaliate or "put someone in their place" when we become defensive or are hurt by someone's actions? After my latest eruption, I decided to seek professional help via an anger management program; not for her sake, but for mine as well. I never again, want to wrongly absolve someone of their hurtful behavior toward me due to my inability to respond appropriately. By allowing my emotions to supersede my intelligence, my reaction vacates the original issue and I am left to deal with unresolved hurt, in addition to guilt from my own behavior... I am tired of that.

The definition of domestic violence, or more specifically, verbal abuse has become so broad, that I doubt there is anyone except the Dalai Lama who hasn't been guilty of it at some point in our lives. The word 'controlling' has become a code word, or a defense to be used when someone objects to one's behavior, even when that behavior is clearly selfish or to another's detriment. I have felt at times, that I simply have to accept and tolerate all kinds of treatment, lest I be accused of being controlling, and by default labeled as abusive. When I look at my relationships, past and present through the lens of the domestic violence movement, I become depressed and frustrated, perceiving that the most well intentioned constructive criticism can be construed as abuse when the receiver is not open minded and receptive.

I choose not to be hopeless. I have to accept that I cannot be perfect. However, I can become better. My hope lies in the belief that others think and believe as I do, coupled with my own willingness to practice tolerance for the shortcomings of others as I grapple with my own. If I have a earnest desire to be a better, loving mate, perhaps my mate does also, and if she doesn't, or that desire is severely limited, through my own growth I become better suited for whomever is to become my soul mate. I'm not saying my fiancé isn't... I've just come to realize that "soul mate' is not an appointment, but a growth process born not entirely out of compatibility, but also out of a strong love and desire to remain compatible.

Hope...

Please share you comments with The FLOW community or send an email to flow4theworld@comcast.net.