The reality of life is change. Relationships as well as the individuals involved are constantly evolving. What we thought was so, at the outset, can seem not to be so, a day, a month or years later, even if it's only our own perceptions.

Too often, we point an accusing finger at our partner, for not being or being, what they once were. And consequently, their actions are labled right or wrong. We often forget that to arrive at where we are, is the result of a not always straight line. This does not mean acceptance or enduring an unfulfiling relationship, but understanding that there is an ongoing process of individual development occuring regardless of the outcome.

We tend to devalue our experiences, particularily if they do not conform to story book endings. However, if we can look at these experiences, without malice, I believe we will find a lesson that needed to be learned.

Paul Coelho, in his book, The Zahin, A Novel of Obsession states "all you have to do is pay attention; lessons always arrive when you are ready, and if you can read the signs, you will learn everything you need to know in order to take the next step." But, many prefer to ignor the lessons and opt to wear hurt and sorrow, like a warm blanket, for the attention it garners.

In the eighteen years of my past marriage, though I experienced much unhappiness and even dispair, that experience made me who I am today. And, what came out of that was a contributing factor in the creation of The FLOW and a quest for the truth in my experiences. So, in retrospect, can I really characterize that experience as "bad?"

Angelo, Roy and I, (creators of The FLOW) call our past failed (by traditional standards) relationships transformative because by looking within , we saw ourselves and our partners in a new light. Through our individual and collective introspection we learned to celebrate our relationships as part of the journey of life and not in the narrow societal definitions of what we did or did not get out of it. By respecting our journeys, we can begin to step out of our individual agendas and begin to see the humanity of us all.

How do we, as relationship partners, end up taking paths that seems to be so contrary to the desires of our hearts? Are we victims? Or are we willing participants in our outcomes, from beginning to end? In our ascent for spiritual fulfillment, we must learn to let go and release ourselves from what is self limiting. Letting go and growing beyond who and what we have been up till this moment requires a gradual awakening to what no longer works for us, followed by the inner work to release it.

Following this is the realization that holding on is of no further use. Those old tried and true solutions bring us no comfort. The spiritual work of letting go and growing begins with embracing and daring to act. The missing half of our lives is letting go. Letting go not only holds the key for ending what is unwanted, but the birth of a new nature. Letting go is strictly an inside job. Trying to change your life without doing the inner work, is like convincing yourself that a merry-go-round has a destination. We can decide to get off whenever want.

The lesson in any painful emotional collision isn't in the crash. We often blame the other driver, get another car, and take another road starting the cycle once more. Each collision is trying to teach us is the only thing wrong in our life is the current driver, who says he knows the way home, but obviously he doesn't. We must learn to stop trying to change what we are getting for ourselves, and change what we are giving to ourselves. A book can have all sorts of maps pointing us in the direction of a meadow with beautiful flowers, but in order to get there, we must do the walking. And until then, we will continue partnering with the intimate enemy within. What are your thoughts and experiences?

This poem has been a long time coming
You see, like my healing
Poetry is me feeling my feelings
Not suppressing because that leads to depression
And then my therapist
Why she might want more than a weekly session
She might even try to prescribe one of those little pink pills
By writing on that white pad with her silver pen
Just so I can stop feeling blue

But that's enough about me
This poem is really about a he
Married were we
In fact May 7 would have made 21 years
But all of my tears can't explain the wear
That man, my husband, placed on my soul
18 years old
a child bride
with so much love inside
to have and to hold
till death do us part
that was the vow I tried with my heart
to stick to somehow
until another lover came on the scene

She was light and white
Lifting him up
Kept him out all hours of the night
Had our children walking on eggshells when he came through the door
Oh yeah, together we produced four
three beautiful daughters and one handsome son
left behind with their mother to be raised in a one-parent household
while their father runs all around town chasing behind his white mistress

Eyes all bulged out looking insane
like an explosion in the brain would allow his pain
to drain, wither or sway
with each night away
from his family
his children four
walking on eggshells when he comes through the door

Using all our money his family's resources
Just for another chance to get with that white she-devil
Like my bountiful brown beauty had been outgrown
Until I realized this had nothing to do with color
You see that mistress stroked his ego in ways
I'll never know or understand
Made him feel like a king a new man
Without his doing anything but inhaling her essence
Always in her presence
Frequently and of course paying the price
No matter what it costs to feel nice
Even if the high only lasts a few seconds

Seconds is what we became my children and I
As my guy decided to choose between his mistress and me
The girls three
The boy one
Leaving yet another fatherless son
That was almost eight years ago
Minus some days
And even 12-step meetings can't give me the words to say
not the peace nor the release I seek,
As I try to keep my children from hating their father
Wondering why their innocence, their intelligence wasn't enough for him
I didn't mean to get a "C" on my report card, Mom
And if he comes back I swear I'll get "Ä's"from now on

Although it's wrong sometimes I wish he were gone
Dead not alive but in a grave
Then someone can say nice things over his body
Hey, they even said nice things about John Gotti
But until then I just heal
Write my poems and try to feel
Some compassion for a man what's left of him the shell
Of the handsome prince I married who now looks like hell
Still running behind that white mistress that lethal one
Who came between three daughters a wife and a son

By now I'm sure you know her name
The one who masks over his pain
The one driving my man insane
He'll never be the same because of his girl, his bitch
That Crack-Cocaine!

Myla Jones--2003

Just as there is no lack of variety and failure regarding diets, the same can be said about relationships. Most folks would say that the reason they embark upon a diet is to lose weight, the real reasons run the gamut, from fitting into a swimsuit to catching that someone's attention, to conforming to a concept of beauty that does not fit. Is this really about YOU, the individual? Consequently, people persue the questionable, and even the hazardous to lose weight. After a while, the list of diets attempted, with less than satisfying results reads like a Christmas list.

So too, in our quest of relationships, many persue the questionable and the hazardous, ignoring their well being. Even with the twenty-first century innovations of speed dating and the internet, the unfulfillng relationship outcomes still accumulate like disgarded diets. The FLOW advocates that the path for relationship success begins with looking inward. Fads do not change relationship dynamics.

• The Prime Relationships is with yourself: Having a healthy, loving relationship with yourself is a key to successful relationships.


• We are complete within ourselves: Relationships should enhance who we are not complete us.


• Relationships are experiences that allow us to grow and redefine ourselves, if we choose.

By looking within, we can begin to understand the real reasons for relationship dissatisfaction that may not have anything to do with the other person and take responsibility. Experts say that diets with the most lasting effects are lifestyle changes. To begin to understand why that same person keeps popping up over and over again in relationships, there must be a similar frame-of-reference change, where YOU--your emotional, spiritulal, intellectual, financial ands sexual well being comes first. Starving yourself is a sure road to the old diet heap

The FLOW wants to hear your comments. Are you on a diet or persuing a healthy frame-of-reference?