Choosing a Partner: Revisited

Where is that someone for me? This is the most recurrent question heard at FLOW events. But, in the quest for that "special" someone, the fundamental question "where am I" is rarely asked!

We are all is various stages of dysfunctionality. It's a matter of degree that determines how our relationships are impacted. Finding the same person in a different individual ravaging our relationships signals unhealthy choices stemming from an unhealthy relationship with self. Compounded by the fact that most of us have never experienced the satisfaction we seek, we really don't know what we are looking for nor how to give it. Our relationship quest becomes a series of hit or miss propersitions, a gauntlet of dissapointment and disillusionment where the self becomes devalued. For some, in desperation, a warm, breathing body becomes a substitute for a meaningful relationship

I don't mean to give the impression of hopelessness, I'm just describing the relationship landscape as it commonly exists today. I believe that today there exists the greatest opportunity for sucessful unions and real satisfaction. However, in our desperate quest for love we fail to take responsibility for the choices we make and characterize the the relatiponship outcomes solely as what our partners have done to us.

Dr. David Schnarch in his seminal book "The Passionate Marriage" states that relationships are people growing machines. They are avenues for becoming the best of who we each are together, not for the hidden personal agendas that often are the basis of our choices. Sex, lonleyness, the prospect of marriage, or even looking for a parental figure are often cloacked in the "sheep's clothing" many call love. Redefining why and how we choose our partners does not make the process easier, but should change the way we approach relationships, making what is given and received more meaningful.