The Philosophy of Love

Is It Love Because

We Call It Love?

Or Is It Love

Because It Is Love?

The definition I hear most cited as to what is love comes from First Corinthians, there the disciple Paul states, "...Love beareth all things, believeth all things, hopest all things, endureth all things." But honestly, how many of us know of anyone that loves as Paul describes.

For the most part, what human beings call love, in actuality, is not something to be relished, but endured. If love in our relationships were as we espouse and fantasize, the relationship landscape would look very different and there would not be the 50% divorce rate that exists in this country! In developing a workable philosophy of love we must begin to comprehend is it love just because we call it so, or is it love because it is love?

Our current concepts are more born out of advertising and the media's goal to sell products and services (wants) masquerading as needs. Jean Kilbourne, in her insightful book Can't Buy My Love, How Advertising Changes the Way We Look and Feel says,

"All too often our market-driven culture locks people into adolescent fantasies of sex and relationships. And there is a connection between the constant images of instant sexual gratification and passion and the increasing burden on marriage and long-term lovers."

Through our socialization via the media, religion, conscious and unconscious role models, people and relaitonships have been generalized to the point where we misinterpret the world and ourselves.

I believe, that what is most prevalent in our relationships is not love but need fulfullment. In the book, The Mirages of Marriage, the authors William Lederer and Don Jackson say that there are reasons beyond love why we seek partners. The authors state that the relief of loneliness, economic security, social mobility, a "person of the opposite sex that will play a parental role," or even, a mate that allows them to exercise their neuroses" are reasons why we seek relationships and marriage, in the name of love. In the book All About Love,Bell Hooks states "to demystify the meaning of love, the art and practice of loving, we need to use sound definitions..."

We often use our partners to validate our self image whether real or imagined. David Schnarch, in his book The Passonite Marriage says, committed relationships are vechicles for learning who we are and who we are not, a prelude to loving. But too often this basically translates into "live within my limitations," but living within someone's limitations is not love!"

The definition of love as given in The Mirages of Marriage is, "When the satisfaction or the security of another person becomes as significant to one as is one's own satisfaction or security..." This is a developmental process. As human beings our philosophy of love should grow with us. India Arie sings in Heart of the Matter "... all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again..." A workable philosophy of love requires careful maintenence and introspection to ensure that it honors who we are as individuals and our relationships, which may require "learning again."

To develop a workable philosophy of love we must begin the quest to discern the difference between the idealogical and what it is to be human. To continue to see love as some calcified ideal is spirititual inertia, quite the oposite for creating an sustaining the dynamic, mystical entity that is loving and being loved. It is only when we begin to approach love as human beings, who cannot just be characterized as "this" or "that" but represent a continum of possibilities "...created in the image and likeness of..." will the full potential of love in our relationships be attained.