Finding the Real You!

By Marc Collins on August 2, 2008 8:58 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

If we were to strip away the effects of our upbringing, imparted religious and social values, what would we be left with? Would this be our authentic self? Is who we are not of our own choosing, but born out of our socialization?

I recently viewed the documentary film "Lost White Male." In it, a young white male finds himself on a New York City subway heading to the Coney Island section of Brooklyn, not knowing who he is, why he is on the train or where he is going. This is a true story; this man had suffered for some unknown reason complete amnesia. He had no knowledge of his past, including childhood, family, friends, occupation, not even where he lived! He eventually found someone who knew him. He had to reacquaint himself with his life, quite literally reinventing himself. Those that had known him said that he was the "same man" but a "different person", a person with less edge, more emotionally forthcoming, more honest.

Is that "different person" within, being held hostage by all the stuff we have accumulated during our lives? What do we bring to our relationships that is authentically who we are? And, how much of who we are not, is playing havoc in our lives and our relationships. I believe that most of us are merely acting out our socialization, much of which is merely accepted as true and not been tested. It is only by validating what we say or think we believe, whether it's our sexuality or spiritual beliefs, concepts regarding love and relationships through our own experience, does it become true for us.

The paradox is that even though these concepts are not routinely validated, we continue to apply them to our lives, relegating ourselves to a cycle on disillusionment. This is particularly apparent in choosing and keeping a partner, where we find ourselves in different relationships with the same person. Finding out who we are and who we are not, in my opinion is the key.

How much of what we call our identity is really serving us in our relationships? I think that many of us suspect that what we project is not our real self. Dr. David Schnarch in his book "The Passionate Marriage‚Äù says that many of us in our relationships "...don't really want somebody to know who you are, you just want somebody to validate you instead." This validation is of what Dr. Schnarch refers to a "projected sense of self", a self that may not have a in basis in reality, but how we want or expect others to see us, whether positive or negative.

In the end, we must discover our authentic selves and discard what does not really represent us and gets in the way of personal fulfillment. How do we do this? It is a process. Roy Frank of The FLOW and I disagree on this point. He feels that we already know who we are, I say how can we? Nowhere is our quest for self-definition more apparent than in the ascendancy of the current celebrity culture where many vicariously experience life through their favorite celeb. Whether in politics, movies, TV, or even the latest 15 minute, media created personality, we seek external validation of who we are as well as who we are not. Our authentic selves are cluttered by manufactured celebrity and consumption. And, when we look at the real lives of these celebrity facades their lives, too often, are more disillusioned than our own. Again, how do we do discover who we are? It is a process.

Discovering who we are entails looking at our choices and not only why we make them, but where do they come from. Whether from our upbringing, religious beliefs, social conditioning, or unresolved baggage, this journey requires a striping away to our essential self, where we become that different person‚ and consequently begin to have different, fulfilling, relationship outcomes.

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About the Flow

The Flow (For Love Of The World) is a relationship dialogue consisting of an online internet forum and monthly live forums where there is dialogue regarding such topics as "The Prime Relationship is with Yourself"; "Getting to Know Someone"; " Are You Ready For a Relationship?"; etc. The Flow was developed by Angelo Hunt, Roy Frank and Marc Collins to promote a constructive dialogue between men and women regarding relationships. more