August 2008 Archives

Is It Love Because

We Call It Love?

Or Is It Love

Because It Is Love?

The definition I hear most cited as to what is love comes from First Corinthians, there the disciple Paul states, "...Love beareth all things, believeth all things, hopest all things, endureth all things." But honestly, how many of us know of anyone that loves as Paul describes.

For the most part, what human beings call love, in actuality, is not something to be relished, but endured. If love in our relationships were as we espouse and fantasize, the relationship landscape would look very different and there would not be the 50% divorce rate that exists in this country! In developing a workable philosophy of love we must begin to comprehend is it love just because we call it so, or is it love because it is love?

Our current concepts are more born out of advertising and the media's goal to sell products and services (wants) masquerading as needs. Jean Kilbourne, in her insightful book Can't Buy My Love, How Advertising Changes the Way We Look and Feel says,

"All too often our market-driven culture locks people into adolescent fantasies of sex and relationships. And there is a connection between the constant images of instant sexual gratification and passion and the increasing burden on marriage and long-term lovers."

Through our socialization via the media, religion, conscious and unconscious role models, people and relaitonships have been generalized to the point where we misinterpret the world and ourselves.

I believe, that what is most prevalent in our relationships is not love but need fulfullment. In the book, The Mirages of Marriage, the authors William Lederer and Don Jackson say that there are reasons beyond love why we seek partners. The authors state that the relief of loneliness, economic security, social mobility, a "person of the opposite sex that will play a parental role," or even, a mate that allows them to exercise their neuroses" are reasons why we seek relationships and marriage, in the name of love. In the book All About Love,Bell Hooks states "to demystify the meaning of love, the art and practice of loving, we need to use sound definitions..."

We often use our partners to validate our self image whether real or imagined. David Schnarch, in his book The Passonite Marriage says, committed relationships are vechicles for learning who we are and who we are not, a prelude to loving. But too often this basically translates into "live within my limitations," but living within someone's limitations is not love!"

The definition of love as given in The Mirages of Marriage is, "When the satisfaction or the security of another person becomes as significant to one as is one's own satisfaction or security..." This is a developmental process. As human beings our philosophy of love should grow with us. India Arie sings in Heart of the Matter "... all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again..." A workable philosophy of love requires careful maintenence and introspection to ensure that it honors who we are as individuals and our relationships, which may require "learning again."

To develop a workable philosophy of love we must begin the quest to discern the difference between the idealogical and what it is to be human. To continue to see love as some calcified ideal is spirititual inertia, quite the oposite for creating an sustaining the dynamic, mystical entity that is loving and being loved. It is only when we begin to approach love as human beings, who cannot just be characterized as "this" or "that" but represent a continum of possibilities "...created in the image and likeness of..." will the full potential of love in our relationships be attained.

I recently viewed the documentary film "Lost White Male." In it, a young white male finds himself on a New York City subway heading to the Coney Island section of Brooklyn, not knowing who he is, why he is on the train or where he is going. This is a true story; this man had suffered for some unknown reason complete amnesia. He had no knowledge of his past, including childhood, family, friends, occupation, not even where he lived! He eventually found someone who knew him. He had to reacquaint himself with his life, quite literally reinventing himself. Those that had known him said that he was the "same man" but a "different person", a person with less edge, more emotionally forthcoming, more honest.

Is that "different person" within, being held hostage by all the stuff we have accumulated during our lives? What do we bring to our relationships that is authentically who we are? And, how much of who we are not, is playing havoc in our lives and our relationships. I believe that most of us are merely acting out our socialization, much of which is merely accepted as true and not been tested. It is only by validating what we say or think we believe, whether it's our sexuality or spiritual beliefs, concepts regarding love and relationships through our own experience, does it become true for us.

The paradox is that even though these concepts are not routinely validated, we continue to apply them to our lives, relegating ourselves to a cycle on disillusionment. This is particularly apparent in choosing and keeping a partner, where we find ourselves in different relationships with the same person. Finding out who we are and who we are not, in my opinion is the key.

How much of what we call our identity is really serving us in our relationships? I think that many of us suspect that what we project is not our real self. Dr. David Schnarch in his book "The Passionate Marriage” says that many of us in our relationships "...don't really want somebody to know who you are, you just want somebody to validate you instead." This validation is of what Dr. Schnarch refers to a "projected sense of self", a self that may not have a in basis in reality, but how we want or expect others to see us, whether positive or negative.

In the end, we must discover our authentic selves and discard what does not really represent us and gets in the way of personal fulfillment. How do we do this? It is a process. Roy Frank of The FLOW and I disagree on this point. He feels that we already know who we are, I say how can we? Nowhere is our quest for self-definition more apparent than in the ascendancy of the current celebrity culture where many vicariously experience life through their favorite celeb. Whether in politics, movies, TV, or even the latest 15 minute, media created personality, we seek external validation of who we are as well as who we are not. Our authentic selves are cluttered by manufactured celebrity and consumption. And, when we look at the real lives of these celebrity facades their lives, too often, are more disillusioned than our own. Again, how do we do discover who we are? It is a process.

Discovering who we are entails looking at our choices and not only why we make them, but where do they come from. Whether from our upbringing, religious beliefs, social conditioning, or unresolved baggage, this journey requires a striping away to our essential self, where we become that different person‚ and consequently begin to have different, fulfilling, relationship outcomes.