April 2008 Archives

Though a provocative title, the intent of this panel discussion held on last Sunday, at the Hueman Bookstore in Harlem, New York was to explore the meanings that we bring to sex, which it what gives sex its relevancy. Sex in a relationship is often not about sex, but represents our attempts to get others to validate ourselves and make us feel good about us, whether real or imagined. There is a psychology that gives a context to the physiology of sex. The panelist were Terance Layne, author of The (Black) Barbershop Monologues; Marguite Dyer Hunt, author of Dysfunctional Players of Women; and Cassandra Mack author of Single Moms Little Book of Wisdom, Young Gifted and Doing It, among others. Cassandra is also the host of The No More Drama Empowerment Hour, an internet radio talk show.

An important theme brought up by Terance Layne is the "date face." The "date face" is an idealized projection of who we are that we present to others. Terance stated it as "In dating we bring a representative." It was argued that this face is usually a false self-portrait. Unfortunately, so many relationships begin under such false pretenses. Consequently, "giving it up" is often giving in to an illusion. However, it does not stop there; "giving it up" also involves us following our own illusions about the other person i.e. he/she has money, status, a good job based upon what we see. In our usual rush into a relationship, in which we believe that sex is the gateway, we miss the opportunity to develop a real friendship, the key to real intimacy. So, "giving it up" and who we "giving it up to" to may be more about the other person's illusions validating our own illusions. In this scenario, sex is reduced to a mechanical act eliciting a physiological response that results in the despair so prevalent in the relationship landscape.

Other themes discussed were: The pressure to please others Men feeling unsure about ourselves Women and men's assumptions about each other regarding sex Sex in a new relationship is really about how we define ourselves and what ritualized behaviors we bring into relationships. These behaviors can be the result of upbringing, religious beliefs, cultural traditions, past experiences or our attempts to repudiate these ideals and concepts, neither of which authentically define who we are and impede friendship, meaningfulness and real intimacy. When to Give it Up, The FLOW believes, was an important conversation regarding the underlying reasoning behind our behaviors that fail to take us were WE SAY we wish to go in our relationships.