Love Should Not Hurt: Love & Intimacy VS. Power & Control

By Marc Collins on January 23, 2008 9:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

The American Psychiatic Association describes Domestic violence as "control by one partner over another in a dating, marital or live-in relationship." Abuse is not an accident. It does not happen because someone was stressed-out, drinking, using drugs, repressed or discriminated against. It is not an example of love gone amuck, as often characterized, but the absence of love and respect. The abuser has constructed a reality where their needs dominate relationships. Abusers have learned to satisfy this distorted sense of self through their abuse and feel justified in it's use whether physical, sexual, emotional, or psychological.

In the book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Mind of Angry and Controlling Men, the author, Lundy Bancoft says that there is a "degree of consciousness that goes into [an abusers] cruel and controlling actions," as opposed to the common perception that abusers are out of control. Mr. Bancroft goes on to say that most times the abusers "value system is unhealthy, not their psychology." It is their values that inform their behavior.

On February, 17^th at the Hueman Book store in Harlem, New York from 3 - 5 pm, The FLOW will explore love and intimacy vs. power and control in abusive relationships and how extreme definitions become nails in the coffin of healthy relationships. Please join The Flow panel discussion:

Love Should Not Hurt: Violence in Relationships

Love & Intimacy vs. Power & Control

0 TrackBacks

Listed below are links to blogs that reference this entry: Love Should Not Hurt: Love & Intimacy VS. Power & Control.

TrackBack URL for this entry: http://www.flow4theworld.com/cgi-bin/mt-tb.cgi/116

1 Comments

Adam said:

The need for power and control is required for the ego to maintain itself.

We (our egos) believe that if we had more money, dated a wonderful person, had a more gratifying job (etc) then we'd be happy. Thus assuming happiness would exist if we HAD those things, we then backtrack and realise that presently we dont - thus we become dissatisfied with the present moment.

In a similar way the desire to have power and control gives the illusion of security where our fickle selves (egos) remain safe from harm, rejection, judgement and pain. Of course this isn't the case in reality as ego driven behaviour by its very nature creates drama, conflict and suffering.

I think the root cause is lack of self love, leading to an intense feeling of vulnerability. The ego believes under such circumstances that the best form of defence is attack and hence attempts to manipulate others into a position where they are contolled and unable to threaten the attacker.

Of course when anyone is attacked their own ego tends to step up to the plate and there's either a counter attack or the taking on of a victim mentality. Having a victim mentality also capitalises upon drama and conflict, becoming inflated with each 'attack'.

Interesting things egos ;)

Adam.

June 21, 2008 1:18 PM