Choosing a Partner

Not only does it take time to really know someone, it also takes time to know ourselves within the context of a relationship. We are too quick to proclaim our relationships a sucess and act out a senario in the future ignoring the present.

What may seem good now, in 2 weeks, six months, a year may prove not to be what we truly want or need, and there is nothing wrong with that. We judge success by the numbers, how long we stay together as opposed to the quality of the connection over time?

I believe, how we choose our partners and our relationship expectations are in opposition to the propensity of human beings to change. LIFE IS CHANGE! Think about it, is our goal in a relationship to save it in amber, impossible, or for two individual to come together in a dynamic union for individual and collective growth.

Are our relationships a celebration of what love and life can be or an everlasting obligation despite whether it serves our higher good. I think, for the most part, our eyes are on the wrong prize. Now, don't get me wrong, in my relationships, in my past marrriage, I sought longivity. Longivity has it's place, however, how have I/we grown through this relationship, has this relationship enabled me to feel good about who I am and what I can be, has it been good for me as a human being, these are the goals in choosing a partner. If you cannot answer in the affirmative to these questions, then your relationship has become something else.

This is not a painless process. And, even for those of us who think we know, it's an ongoing challenge to shake the unworkable ideals we have grown with and make relationships the celebrations they can be. As
Angelo has said, the stage is set by how we choose.

I think that loving ones self is about self discovery and finding your center. That center allows u to accept yourself as u are with the good, bad and indifferent......I need to work on some things but for the most part I am alright....a good person. However, during the discovery process there maybe extremes to the right and left.......the times you have not determined the boundaries/limitations of people around u and how they effect your life.....being pulled in many directions because of it.... being reactive as oppose to proactive......then to the other extreme, u may set up too many boundaries and limit yourself too much....to over protective of self.....denying personal and emotional growth......then u realize that holding yourself so close is also confining....then u begin to let go of the confinement moving closer to the center. In the center u are more aware, more proactive in controlling the things that throw u off balance, more in touch with the spirit of who u r. Finding that balance for me was a humbling experience.....I was/am happier within myself, with myself and within my spirit. And it is apparent from the inside out. It allowed me to deal with all kinds of people/issues and set my boundaries accordingly and within reason.....allowing myself to include people of a challenging nature but not allowing them to upset my world......I have learned to be inclusive not exclusive because of the boundaries/limitations I have set. On occasion I am thrown off my center by some emotional discomfort or some overly joyous experience, but then I have to pull it back in. Loving self is an on going process.....u will encounter situations/issues in life that will always challenge you emotionally. We need to be less accepting of mediocre that we interpret as being a part of who we are.....our personalities, that holds us back from become better version of ourselves. Loving yourself should be inclusive of extending and spreading love to others.

Choosing a partner because of their lifestyle...... Well, wouldn’t that depend on what qualities that person brings to your life? Isn’t their lifestyle a part of who they are? What has that person gone through to achieve that level of living? Is that person where u want to be...giving u inspiration? Am I comfortable with this person and they with me? Is being together effortless or a struggle?
These are the things that one should be asking themself when u encounter a new potential partner.
I for one certainly do not want to get involved with someone is “stuck in the mud”, or who has no goals or potential for growth whether it be personally, financially or professionally. Sometimes their lifestyle is an indication of that .....sometimes it is an indication they are living above their means. So, if I meet someone who has a life style I like and they have all of the other qualities I am looking for in a partner....why not!! But the lifestyle should only be one aspect for the chose not the basis.

I think when a couple get to the level of wanting to be in a exclusive committed relationship, they need to discuss what commitment means to them and be clear. Many times we don’t understand each others expectations of the other, there are mixed signals, inconsistencies. I think u have to be in a place in your life when u know in your heart and soul u are ready to include a partner for a committed relationship. No amount of social intervention should be involved in your readiness for a relationship. I think the readiness should be a refection of loving yourself and extending that love to a partner...being vulnerable, open and giving. If u are not there then chances are u are not ready.

We are all works in progress and each relationship provides an opportunity for growth and self discovery. It's alright to fail, that's part of the process, as quiet as it's kept. Depending upon how you view it, there is no "failure".

It's about whether the experience and takes you where you want to go or not. If not, it's your right to choose another course. It is said that the problem is not in the falling, but in the failure to rise.

Yes Marc, I agree that we are all works in progress and each experience is an opportunity for growth and self discovery. However, it is somewhat patronizing and is mediocre at best to say that. When do we stop using that as an excuse not to work on our relationships and hold ourselves to a higher standard of living, loving and giving? Isn’t that the same as, well if my marriage doesn’t work I can always get a divorce?

Is that the answer to achieving and maintaining a continued healthy relationship/connection? Are we to walk thru life going from one relationship to the next because we are “works in progress”? When do we work on getting it “right” with our partners? Please, do not take what I am saying in the wrong context.
Certainly, I am not advocating staying in a relationship that is not healthy and feeds your soul/spirit, but as a people we are so ready to “throw in the towel” (myself included at times) when things do not go the way we think they should or expect they should when it comes to our relationships. We can be so quick to consider what is required of us in a relationship as an infringement on our individuality, our manhood, our womanhood, she/he is checking up on me......whatever the case maybe.

Relationships are give and take......one person can not always be the taker or the giver, it has to interchange. I think as a people and in different situations we accept and expect so little from ourselves. I think many times it is in our relationships, that exists.

If we put as much excellence in our relationships as we do our careers/jobs other things we want to achieve, would they be in better standing????

In the book "How to be An Adult in Relationships" it states, "...not everyone is cut out for a fully committed relationship." "There is no shame in not wanting a relationship" [or, at a particular moment in time, not being capable of being within one]. "A healthy person is not one in a relationship but one in his own skin."

So, the point is that, a committed relationship and/or life everlasting does not have to be the logical conclusion of a relationship! In Relationships, romantic or otherwise, the individuals involved are viewed as more important than "the relationship" per se. Most of us live a cultural myth where we see success by obligation, or number of years, or tingling toes and fluttering hearts.

When I left my wife of 18 years, I was bombarded on all sides by, "it's been 18 years", "is there any way you can stay together" and so on, and so on. It did not matter that I was disperately miserable and depressed being with that woman. Obviously, what was important in the eyes of too many was "the relationship" and not me. Something is wrong with that picture!

As I said before I am not advocating staying in a relationship that is all together unhealthy. I, too was married for a very long time (13 years) and know fully what it is to be miserable and depressed. Nor am I advocating staying for the sack of holding the relationship together. I myself would rather be alone. Nothing is more important than the people involved, romantic or otherwise, I agree whole heartedly. I also understand that everlasting does not have to be the conclusion of a relationship, but if we do not try to work things out how will we ever know.
From the same book you mention above Richo writes.....”Whatever does not work requires work. Since every adult has things to work on, refusal to work is the equivalent of reluctance to relate as an adult. And if a reasonable amount of work has been done and no change has resulted, the relationship is ready to be released so both parties can move on.” All I am saying is sometimes we have to try before we give up, and that is only when the partner, friend etc, has qualities that bring value to the relationship. If they don’t then by all means.....keep on trucking!!!

Sustainability?
I believe that by fortune, luck, blessing etc.., that if a certain type of two individuals meet, who are calibrated to view their differences as an opportunity to drive them inward towards each other, rather than away from each other, driven by their love and commitment, can help sustain a long and lasting healthy union.. These individulas understand that everyone is a dynamic composition, with an ever changing melody, underscored by their love and commitment.
Given the emotional maturity and spiritual calibaration of these individuals, they understand that what ever takes place between them, does not have to be interpreted as a point to drive them away from each other, but as a vehicle and an opportunity do develop deeper communion between them. I believe that given the degree of the two individuals spirituallity,and emotional maturirty, they can calibarte their calibration, for sustainalbilty. The question always on their mind is, "how do we use this to develop deeper communion and understanding between us, in a way that will drive us towards each other, and not away." Roy, of the FLOW has often talked about a perfect relationship, and I think this is what he was talking about, not necessariry a perfect one, but a perfecting one...
We are shaped by the kind of experiences we seek, as well as the interpretations.
At the core of all of our experiences are our beliefs.
alter your belief, you chnage your experiences.

Tomorrow outcomes, are determined, to some degree, by today's belief, and how we decide to view and interpret our experiences.
So an individual who believes that relationships, should not be veiwed as everlasting, would not be calibrated for someone, who view the opposite. Mind you, those who seek a path for an ever lasting commuinon, as a premise, should veiw thier constant state of becoming, as an opportunity to develop deeper communion between them, underscored by their love for self, each other and their commitment to their union.
This wii require two individuals who understand that no relationship is perfect, but only perfecting. And that if they understand each others language of love, and are able/willing to communicate it as well, a desire to build a life together will require faith, and the ability to view all things that are naturally part of a dynamic relationship, as an opportunity to develop deeper communion, towards a path of sustainability...

On sustainability.....Your words are eloquent, profound and forthright. If we as a people practiced the ideals you describe, there would probably be many more everlasting, healthy, loving relationships. But, it's not enough to say it, think it, or feel it....we have to work at it consistantly. Other wise the words are just that....words. From Richo..."Love works automaticly at times, but mostly it works because we work on it."

I think that we are in agreement here, relationships take work to sustain. Though we believe that relationship are not meant to last at all costs, they are not to be disgared like a used napkin.

The circumstances of a relationship, the history and level of awareness of the individuals involved dictate the approach to maintain or sustain, whether it serves them or not.

I think it's more important for relationships to promote self examination that longivity. If it can do both, it's a wonderful thing but, more often that not, longivity is the metric.

Sustainability??

I think they are both important, self examination, and sustainability.
We live in a society, where the majority rules. Relationships miss the mark of sustainability, therefore, not possible, therefore these outcomes becomes a part of our references, and how we proceed. And, as we understand, the majority does not necessarily dictate quality nor truth. There are many couples who are in long term relationships, and have been very sucessful at using the relationship for self discovery, and committed to a long term communion.

We need to look at them, as a barometer of possibility as well. How do they accommplish it..

Aside from all the other calibrated items that are necessary between two people; if sutsianability is a pursuit, and that's ok for anyone to pursue, because if no one didn't, we wouldn't have long term relationship; we should mate with someone, who share that as a pursuit and possility as well...

I know couples, who's lives with each other, are very self affirming and have a long history of commited communion with each other.

In John Gottman's books, " Relationship Cure, and How to Have a successful Marriage", he identifies the traits that are common with those individuals who are not able to sustain long term relationships, as well as those who are able to.
So depending on one's beliefs system, we see what we have decided to be a part of our awareness.
And it is from there, where we all speak, what is true for us...

" As a man thinketh"

To pursue sustainability, one will need a mate, who shares that as part of their awareness ...
Personal growth, depending on one's particular path they seek, can provide them with the tools to sustain a long term relationship.
How do we use our growth, as a vehicle towards sustainability...

It's is possible; there are many couples out there, who are having great and healthy long term relationships...
Are we only looking at serial relationships???
because if we are, then that's what we'll see...
Paople are having long term relationships, that are in services of each other..
Lets talk to them as well...
We all can learn lessons..
They are equalliy an important part of the relationship equation....
How do they do what thsy do..... What their formulae.
According to what I understand, just as those relationships that are not fulfilling etc., come along with common traits, the long term healthy ones, also share common traits as well....
Lets look at them... Why aren't they a part of the dialogue...
Because they are not a part of our awareness/conciuousness????
We seek, what we is true for us....
I think we all can co-exist, allowing each other to pursue their truths, while providing one another
with support, emotionally,spiirtually and intellectually that will support each other's pursuit, as healthy adults..

As a young man, a senior male in my family shared tha following:
" If they only tool you have in your toolbox, is a hammer,after awhile, everything begins to look like naills."

Pursuing a path, for longivity, creates the awareness, of what works for it , and what doesn't.
If people don't pursue a path sustainability as they deisre, and are resigned to veiw it's opposite, how would they ever learn, what works on that path, and what doesn't...

This is the process called learning.. And with the successes of sustainability, we can pass on the information to others, in their pursuit as well, viewing relationships with many possible outcomes....
We have to be careful, getting caught up in what we may think are the only natural outcomes, based on our experiences, contemporary society etc.. Couldn't the pursuit of sustainability be a part of the new relationship paradigm?? One size, does not fit all..

I feel that people whom are the most opposite are the most compatible. I know this through experience. But somehow I am attracted to people that are exactly like me. Loud, argumentative, sometimes selfish with a hot temper. Two personalities just like that do no exactly clash, but that seems to be the pattern of personalities in the guys I date. And What does this say? I need to change... But changing would only allow myself to get taken advantage of these people that remind me of me so much. ..Those are my concerns..

I feel that with choosing a partner, you have to be ready for commitment because not everyone is cut out for commitment. also i feel that communication and trust are also key elemnts in choosing a partner.

I feel that people are attracted to someone who is opposite of them as far as their quirks and habits. But if the two people do not have the same values of life styles then the relationship will never be able to work.

I've never posted anything before. I've recently realized that my family has been the center of my existence, and as my children grow up and out eventually leaving me in an empty nest the fact that I really do not have outside interests other than my job and no real buddies/friends other than job related ones I burden the man in my life who has many many friends (perhaps because he has never had children) with my need for him to fill my needs for companionship. He is/has been pulling away from me for some time, I of course react by trying to pull him closer. I am trying to be happy for myself and not to rely on him to "make" me happy. But man it's hard! I fear loneliness. I don't want to grow old alone, but I know I can if I have to. Why are relationships sooooo hard?

As parents, we tend to invest alot emotionally into our children and it's unavoidable that they become the focus of our lives. However, it's a big difference between an emotional investment and deriving our idenity or sense of self from our children or our partners. In The FLOW, we often speak of being complete within ourselves and our relationships should enhance not validate who we are.

Our goal as parents, I believe is to enable our children to be independent of us. We should always be aware that we are our children's first examples of self sufficiency, love and relationships. So you may lament what you have become, you should also be aware of what models for living you present to you children. Are you creating a path for your children to follow in your footsteps?

Regarding you partner, what you refer to as him pulling away from you, may be an attempt to maintain his own sense of self or an idenity seperate from you. As you have recognized, you cannot rely on him to make you happy. But this also sounds like you have not discussed your feelings with your partner. Why not?

I would recommend finding a support group or counseling together with your partner or for you alone. You may also begin rebuilding your idenity by persuing your interests, learn to swim, join a book club, take a continuing education class, etc. Here you may discover facets of yourself you have neglected.

Your happines must come from within. It may not be easy at first, even frightening. If you look around you will discover that you are not alone and there is as much help to find your inner happiness as you wish to avail yourself of.

Intimacy

I think the challenege of intimacy is an invitaion to work on ourselves, instead of waiting for the other person to respond to our emotional needs. It is a deep commitment to oneself and to life. Intimacy with another, is hinged on our ability to go within ourselves. There can be no intimacy with another,without intimacy with ourself. The less we depend on our partner for happiness, the more we can be happy together.

As a measuring instrument we can evaluate our life choices against, does this choice revive or lessen my pleasure and zest for life....