Love & Intimacy Panel Discussion at 2007 Harlem Book Fair
Love & Intimacy: Getting It and Keeping It!
It is assumed that love and intimacy are naturally a part of a committed relationship. But are they really? Love is more than a good feeling and intimacy is more than sex. Do these concepts hold the same meanings for each partner? Do our concepts of Love and Intimacy say more about who we are than the quality of our relationships? How are these concepts influenced by such social forces as the media and religion? Has what we believe love and intimacy to be brought the fulfillment we seek in our relationships? The FLOW and our panel of experts will explore Love & Intimacy: Is it real or imagined in your relationship?
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Reading List
Mating in Captivity, Esther Perel
The Will To Change
Absent Fathers Lost Sons
I just wanted to say that I enjoyed the panel discussion at the Harlem Book Fair on Saturday 7.23.07. I only wish it could have been longer, as those types of discussions need more than an hour.
I thoroughly enjoyed the sister's comments who said that we as women need to close our legs and really get to know a guy before we decide he's "the one".
Like Luther sang: just because he wants to make love, doesnt mean that he's in love ...
I was feeling her when she said that we should not be worrying about what a guy we just started dating is doing when he's not with us (who he's sleeping with) - its none of our business until we both have decide to be in a commited, monogamous relationship (should take no more than about 6 months).
I was really, really feeling her when she said we have to let go of our pre-conceived notions (given to us by society and the media) of what kind of man we should be with, i.e., not dismissing a man because he's not working the kind of job we think he should have, driving the kind of car we think he should drive, etc.
I think the fellas need to take heed to that one too, not dismissing a woman because she's not society's definition of beautiful ... I had to laugh out loud when the brotha said a lot of the beautiful women he knows are like a book with blank pages.
And Oh My God, when the sista on the panel said we should just shut up when men are talking and take what they are telling us at face value, OH MAN, this is so true. If a dude tells you he's not ready to commit, no matter what we do, if this brother is not ready for a commited relationship, he's just not ready.
I'm in my early 40's now, but where was this sista when I was in my 20's??? Even in my 30's??? Even last year!! (smile). I could have saved myself a lot of unnecessary tears because of my unrealistic expectations of the men I was dating.
Christine
Welcome to the club! You are not alone in your unrealistic expectations. Unfortunately, there are few successful relationship models, not because the possibility does not exist, but because we are not socialized in ways that develop healthy relationship skills that take us were we say we want to go. As Angelo of The FLOW says, "we think we are in the east, but our feet are firmly planted in the west!" So, in the final analysis, it may not matter what a man or women may tell us, if we cling to our illusions/delussions like a warm blanket.