Listen To Lisa:"When You Get A Man Keep Your Girlfriends"
Over the course of my adult years I had many female friends who when they got a man stopped calling me, stopped hanging out with me or when we did get together, their man had to accompany them. Sometimes I want to just have girl time. There are things that I want to share with my girlfriends that I don’t want her man to hear.
Women like this use their single girlfriends for their convenience. And they don’t think that we see the bullshit. You know how they do, when she is mad at her man, all of a sudden she can call you, the single girlfriend, to spend time with you. One of my girlfriends from college and I eat out for lunch together, go to step shows, parties, and just hang out on campus doing nothing.
When she got married I noticed that the calls were fewer and fewer. I was only being invited to baby showers, baby parties, christenings, and family functions. But when I would call her to go to a play, dinner, or a womens retreat she was busy. There were times where this girlfriend would call me and say, “hey girl, let’s hook up for lunch or dinner, just me and you, I haven’t seen you in a while.” I would accept, get really excited and when I got there, it was a bitch session for her to talk about all of the f----d up shit going on in her marriage. So I started to realize that she was using me as a sounding board when her relationship was in the toilet.
Once she & her husband invited me to a first Friday’s event, I accepted and when the day came she backed out because her husband decided to play ball with his friends instead. So I suggested we go anyway. She agreed, and do you know that when her husband saw her getting dressed that evening he made a big argument about how could a married woman think of going to an event with a single woman. He said that single women are looking for men, and if a married woman is with her, then she will be influenced to do the same thing. So he put his foot down and she did not go. But yet it was OK for him to play ball with his friends.
Now even if I told this fool’s wife to get another mans number and she did what I said, how is that my fault, wouldn’t that be her own decision? This behavior is a clear sign of a very bad relationship. Control is not cute. Relationships’ like this are based on fear and can’t thrive. And I am sorry to say, most women are in relationships like that.
These so called committed relationships are like prison sentences. Now before you readers accuse me of being jealous, let me just say that I am Not! All I am saying is that women should maintain their female relationships. We can strike a balance between our single girlfriends and our husbands and boyfriends. Certainly all relationships have give and take. But women are doing all of the giving and men are doing all of the taking, and that’s a recipe for relationship failure 100% of the time.
Subsequently this girlfriend and I are no longer friends. I chose to fade it to black. I stopped returning her phone calls, I turned down all of her invitation for family gatherings, and I was always conveniently too busy to meet when she wanted to get together for girl talk. I do miss her, but I refuse to be looked at as POISON, because eventually I would be referred to as the “Bitch.” The husband would have eventually called me a bitch if I give her some advice that was empowering her. Men always blame the wife’s single girlfriends for breaking up the marriage. You know the famous phrase, “she is just jealous of you because she ain’t got no man.” So I chose to bow out gracefully.
My advice to women who are married, engaged, or embarking on a new relationship, draw a line between your man and your girlfriends. Keep your single and married girlfriends in your life for your own identity. When you’re married you don’t have to have the same friends as your spouse. Frankly, only having the same friends is a very dangerous thing. What will happen when you get a divorce, you don’t have a safe place you can call home? And women have no one to blame but themselves when they give up girlfriends in order to be married. Learn from men, they always keep their boys in their life whether you like his friends or not. And I feel that they should. It is very healthy to do so.
If you have relationship issues and need advice email Listen To Lisa at Lisadurden@aol.com
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I can certainly understand how senseless and inexcusable the behavior you describe some women displaying is. Fortumately, however I can say that in my experience that has not been the norm. I am hard pressed to recall even one incident where a girlfriend's marriage or serious involvement in a relationship changed the fabric of our relationship. Certainly when folks become involved in serious relationships, there are adjustments to be made, but it's like any other life change...a new job, relocating to a new area, increased family responsibilites, etc. You expand to become even more inclusive and not exclusive. I think it is reasonable to expect that some things will change but it shouldn't be to the detriment of a healthy friendship. I greatly value the relationships that I have with my sisterfriends and I know that it's mutual. I even have friends that I classify as really good friends that I may only speak to a few times a year, not because we don't love and appreciate one another but because of our busy lives and schedules (this does not always include a man either) But the true measure of our friendship is present and manifests itself in that we can pick up where we are and its as if we had just spoken the day before.
When my sisterfriends are happy, I'm happy for them, whether the source of their happiness is a new partner, a husband, a job, a new home, car, etc. I can gladly say that in my experience the feeling is mutual. And no, things don't always go well with relatiohship choices, but at least in the case of my Sisterfriends and I, we're there for each other, no matter what, unconditionally.
I agree with Roz. My sisterfriends that I have know since college (20+ years) are still my very dear friends. We do not speak often because our lives have taken different paths, but when we do get together it’s like old times. We are still as open and caring to one another as we always have been. We love one another for who we are as people and respect the choses we have made in our lives for our lives. I have adoration for my sisterfriends for there own unique personalities and the way that we have connected over the years. And when we do get together on those occasional times, I learn something new about them and I see have how maturity has changed us all. It is simply wonderful and I consider myself fortunate to still have them as friends.