Flow Commentaty:Black Woman's Anger

I am just walking away from an 8 year marriage and at no point was it about him taking care of me but of us taking care of each other. We obviously failed to do that...hence the divorce. However time and age played a big role in changing us as a couple and individuals, the purpous for each changed at some point and we failed to recognize it. I feel my purpose in a relationship is to share every and all parts of my life with the other person and to enjoy doing so. To let them in....

I read the article "What are men thinking." It was interesting to see the questions that poeple had about their relationships or situations in general. It was interesting to see the responses that were given to the people's questions.

Those of us who consider ourselves “complete” would deny any relationship merely to feel complete. It has been the overwhelming opinion of most visitors to this site that relationships are more likely to be successful when each person comes into the relationship “complete.” Yet, the question of “completeness” still comes up in many discussions. I consider myself “complete.” I have taken the time to know, accept, and love myself for who I am, the good and the bad. My life is full with family and friends. I have purpose. I have goals and desires that keep me active and alive. I am self sufficient. I am a spiritual person and give thanks to God for who I am, all I have, and for granting me another day in which to become... My driving force is love, in all things, including the love of a special man. I am complete. Yet, I want someone with whom I can share all the wonders of life. I need to love and be loved and for us to feel each other’s warmth and closeness. I need someone to confirm my being not to complete me. Two people encouraging each other to be the best they can be, that is the purpose of a relationship. In that type of relationship, yes there is commitment, companionship is a must, and of course, you care for each other. Because I care for you, what you lack I will supply and vice-a-versa. Let’s say you lack the self-confidence to face a certain situation, I will encourage and help you navigate through the barriers standing in your way in order that you may become the best you can be. I will not carry your load because that is yours to carry but I will help you, if I can, lift the load. Expectations, yes, there is one expectation, that I be treated the same.

Very interesting stuff, many good and in depth questions. I would also like to thank you guys for the presentation given tonight it was good and interactive.

Everyone at some point is angry even......

Good men and good women.......What does that mean? Does it mean that because I am a good person, I pay my bills, I work everyday, I take care of family, I try to be nice to others, I don’t cheat on my wife/husband, etc.......... does that mean that I have good interpersonal skills, good relationships skill. No it does not. It means just what it is.......you are nice. It is not enough to just be a good/nice person these days. You have to learn to deal with other people, deal with adversity, deal with the challenges of life whether it be in a relationships with husband, children, significant other, coworkers, employer etc. Having been in careers that required direct dealings with people, I have learned that no matter who you are, people want to be treated with respect. Respect means something different to everyone. But the one constant within the circle of respect is people want to be acknowledged and heard. And when they are not acknowledged and heard, people become frustrated, angry and distrust. Egos and pride get in the way of finding resolution. Everyone plays the “blame game” and before u know it has escalated into something far more serious than what it started out. I think that is why black women and black men equally are angry, especially those of us that consider ourselves as “good” men and women. When I say that I mean the people that are looking at having a healthy connection/ relationship with someone. Relationships on any level whether it be with your siblings, spouse, companion mother, father, etc...............take work It takes ownership of the issues......acknowledgment of your own feelings and attitudes that may need adjustment, it takes listening/hearing what the person is saying/feeling......communication/their language of love, it takes vulnerability, being open...... letting your guard down and letting go of ego/pride, it takes the “willingness” to make it work......the value this person brings to the relationship, to you. It is a lesson of humility, trust and honesty. No one, man, woman or child wants to be treated as though what they feel or think does not matter. Also, I think man, woman or child, everyone wants to be treated like they matter and are wanted in that person’s life/world. When that ceases to happen the break down of the relationship begins.

I agree with you Corletha, but the real issue is that too many of us do not have the relationship skills that embody your comments. I have only recently become aware of those skills, and only after much soul searching and 18 years of marriage, and I'm sure that I still have alot to learn. Our upbringing and society served, and still serves as imperfect models of meaningful, self-affirming relationships. I believe that we must constantly look within to light our path.