THE TOP TEN REASONS YOU ((DON'T)) HAVE A MAN

I love black women, I really do. But on a whole, at least the one's I have dated, it takes too much unnecessary energy to make ya'll happy. I'm a brotha that's trying to stay focus with my eye on the prize. Build a future so I can effectively start and support a family. I often find myself distracted by trivial matters that set me back on a daily. I believe that every day counts. Make every day matter. Pulling me into drama that's self-created is very counter-productive. I'm 43 and don't have time for childishness. It almost feels like sistas resent my focus and want to constantly test whether I care or not. So they create urgencies and watch and judge how I respond. "Jumping through hoops" is probably the technical word for it. I'm not saying that I don't want to be helpful and caring and step up to the plate when something happens that serious but I don't want to be your father either. Sistas need to decide whether they want to be truly independent or be a partner in building something. What I am finding is that we're all mixed up now in the 21 Century. Many sistas want all the benefits of being a man and all the benefits of being a woman. You can't have both without the man feeling like "what's left for me". The man gets starved out and sex doesn't correct the problem. I know many sistas think men are just animals and don't need much except food, water, and a little something, something. Even if your stuff is "golden" it does not make up for the void that is created by a lopsided relationship or arrangement. I've invited sistas that I was dating that were in between places to temporarily come and live with me almost rent free and I can't even get a grilled cheese sandwich without it seeming like a burden. But that same person can ask me to pay for dinners, pay for car repairs, pay for car insurance, rent, cell phone service, etc. and then tell me that they don't need me after their bills are paid. To make matters worse, once they were in, they made me afraid of having my own friends over or to hang out. I became a prisoner in my own home mainly because of their own insecurities. That's not right. I'm a really cool guy. I can let you have your EX over if you're now just friends. We're supposed to be adults but must of us (including men) are acting like kids. I've thought about straying to spanish girls, asian, or something other than sistas but I love sistas and I'm keeping hope alive. But my hope is fading fast. Some brotha won't be missed if we lose them but I think it would be a tragedy for our race to keep losing good brothas. Every brotha is not a cheater. Every brotha is not on the DL. There are good brothas right here but sistas need to stop believing their own story and get real. The bottom line is we as a people have a lot of growing to do. Until we do, maybe we are doing ourselves a disservice by trying to be together. Most of us can do bad all by ourselves. One of my clients is a R&B singer and he made a statement that had me thinking. His statement was that sistas think they are closer to GOD than brothas are so they believe they are almost perfect. Then I thought about the patterns of my relationships. In almost every relationship, I was the one that needed to work on myself. I had a house, nice car, good education, good parents, athletic, well respected, no kids, but a sista could always uncover some flaw that she would magnified to the point where even I became temporarily alarmed. Then I would be forced to turn the magnifying glass on her and all hell would break loose. "How dare you examine me, you're the one with the problem!" The said part is that I would have taken most of them with their flaws had they themselves not been so discriminating. My advise is be who you want in your life. If you want a man with a successful career, have one yourself. If you want a man that's smart, make sure your IQ is tight. One of the female comedians on Jamie Fox's, "Laffpalooza" said she started making a list of the things she wanted in a man and after she was done, she concluded that her ideal man would be too good. She had some things to work on like getting her GED. There are brothas out there that will take you sistas "as-is" if you both can commit to helping each other be better people. Coming to a relationship with a superior attitude or unrealistic expectations for who you actually are, not who you think you are, will never work and is counter-productive. All it will do is turn a good guy into a dog or turn a guy committed to being succesful into a brotha that sits in the living room watching Jerry Springer and playing XBOX all day. This is my advice to sistas but don't think that I think men don't have a lot of shaping up to do.

I agree with Ernest and I'm a woman. There are women that are in my "inner circle" and women in my "outer circle". The women in my inner circle arelike-minded in their optimism about the world, relationships, goals, work and balance. They have men in their lives in a way that is satisfying for them. Some are in committed relationships, some like me are dating. The women in my outer circle are women who can be fun to hang out with every now and then but their general attitude about men stinks and I don't want to be infected. "Dating" is not a bad word...by the way for me dating is about finally being out of an unhealthy long-term relationship. I want to meet different men that live more in line with my own goals, values and sense of fun. Despite the fact that I have scars from a burn as a child, some people are in awe of the way I attract men. I like men and that's the vibe that men feel. I believe that there are awesome men out there and there are louses..they come in all shapes and colors. I believe that too many women think that men have to "pay" for their company. I think it causes resentment in men and keeps some of them from even wanting to ask a woman out. Women, we are the prize but so are our men. The gift that we are to them and the gift that they are to us depends on what we have in common and the needs we have within a relationship. The gift you'd bring to a Chritening or Bar-Mitvah is not the same as the gift you'd give your grandma on her 90th birthday. The gifts have to match the occassion. So go on, see yourself as a lovely gift and position yourself with gifts that suit the same occassion.
If you're looking for a goal-oriented, loving, hard-working and fun partner, you must be all of those things yourself. Your relationships will be filled with whatever you bring to the table. You would never consider going to someone's home without a token of appreciation like a bottle of wine or a dessert so why would you think that it's okay to come into the dating world empty-handed?

I share Zephie's sentiments! How we come into a relationship is a reflection of who we are. Relationships are experiences that can show us the best or worst of ourselves. Our relationshjp with orselves is reflected in our relationships with others. Unfortunately, too many of us are into what we can get out as opposed to what we can give.

In response to Ernest, we must also take responsibility for our choices. If we find that we are having the same relationship outcomes then we must examine the why of our choices. This is not a casual exercise, this requires some indepth analysis. However, knowing what's really behind our choices can keep us from repeating past mstakes.

Men and women as gifts, offering to one another...love the metaphor, love the author!

comming from a wonam take these ten reasons and run with them and use them to your advantage.

It's not about gaining advantage, nor scoring points, but gaining insight into the frames or reference both men and women have that get in the way of meaningful relationships. We must become what we seek...

I think these ten reasons are absolutely true when it comes to relationships. From my past expaerince with no good brothas, you would think that I learned to leave those type of guyes alone. But for some reason I find myself still attracting and dating them. Me personally I think some men are intimidated that more women are independent and dont have to rely on them to survive. So men are feeling less useful.

It's more than just learning from your past, it's why you make the same relationship choices again and again. To often we are working out unresolved personal issues in our relationships that have nothing to do with the other person. To understand and take responsibility for your choices potentially leads to better relationship outcomes. Otherwise, you are asking another to resolve issues that only you can. In The F.L.O.W., we say "if looking for Mr/Mrs Right, first look within.."