Black Women Need Black Men to Share Burden
In My Opinion
Black women need black men to share burden
By Leonard Pitts Jr.
lpitts@MiamiHerald.com
For some of us, it is the easiest thing in the world to idealize black women. To romanticize them, sentimentalize them.
Consider Legends Ball, a TV special this week produced by that ?ºber black woman, Oprah Winfrey. I seldom watch Winfrey's programs, but her salute to trailblazing African-American women kept me rooted. There was something soul settling in seeing all those sisters, daughters, mothers -- Gladys Knight, Maya Angelou, Cicely Tyson, Dorothy Height, Leontyne Price and more -- gather in their big hats and finery to celebrate and be celebrated.
Or, consider a chat I had earlier this month with a group of academics and healthcare professionals about the fact that black women have among the lowest suicide rates in the country -- one-third that of white women, according to a 2003 University of North Carolina study. Asked why, I began to wax rhapsodic about the grounding that spirituality gives, the grace that hardship brings and that serene majesty that often settles in on black women of a certain age.
Point being, black women are the strength and succor of their community. They are the last line of defense.
COSBY'S COMMENTS
That's why there's something heartbreaking in what Bill Cosby recently told 500 of them, the graduating class of Spelman College, a historically black women's college in Atlanta. In his commencement address, Cosby advised the young women that they will have to assume sole responsibility for the salvation and uplift of the African-American community because their men, by and large, have opted out.
As quoted by The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, he said: ``Men as young boys are dropping out of high school, but they can memorize lyrics of very difficult rap songs and know how to braid each other's hair.''
As quoted by The Palm Beach Post, he said, ``You young women have to know it is time for you to take charge.''
As quoted by EURweb, an African-American website, he said, ``It is time for you to pick up the pace and lead, because the men are not there.''
The stark figures on incarceration and education that support Cosby are, of course, so well known as to defy repetition. And a 2003 Newsweek report tells us that, increasingly, black women of education and achievement are having a hard time finding similarly situated black men.
Full disclosure: Cosby provided a blurb for the cover of my book, Becoming Dad, which is being
reissued in June. The book makes many of the same points he's made in recent years, so it should come as no surprise that I agree with him here.
But I have a caveat: There is nothing new about women picking up the slack for men. We take it for granted that they will raise the kids, tend the house, anchor the community when the men are jailed or killed or simply disinterested.
EVEN IDEALIZED WOMEN TIRE
So Cosby simply told those women what, surely, they already knew. And even though it was truth, it occurs to me that it's truth that might be addressed more productively to African-American men themselves.
Even iron, my father liked to say, wears out. And if iron can get tired, maybe even idealized, sentimentalized, romanticized black women can. Maybe sisters can get tired of forgiving brothers, daughters tired of making excuses for fathers, mothers tired of burying sons. And maybe, instead of telling them to be ready to shoulder the burden, Cosby should have told them to demand that men share the burden. After all, a man will generally always strive to be what a woman he adores requires him to be.
Maybe black women should begin to require one thing of black men: that they be better. Better than the systemic racism of the criminal injustice system, better than the internalized lies of inherent inferiority. Better, in the way women have long had to be.
See, my father was right. So it is neither fair nor pragmatic to ask black women to save black America. We all need to save it, or else stand by and watch as that last line is crossed.
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I have no objections to Bill Cosby's "admonishments" to the African American community. Certainly if he were a "blue eyed blonde" I might raise an eyebrow at some of his observations, but that not being the case, I think that we are compelled to look the truth square in the eye. There are travesties occurring in our communities, and we can't continue to look the other way and come up with excuses for behaviors that should not be tolerated. While no one wants the ugly thrown into their face, something has got to happen to get the attention needed. BLACK WOMEN LOVE BLACK MEN. It is our desire to be in community with our men, to have families, raise babies and have the kinds of lifestyles that promote health and spiritual wellness. That is difficult to do if factions of the community are not living up to their responsibilities...(tell the truth and shame the devil). I understand that Black Women may be viewed as having issues that are disconcerting to some, that's okay for now if it is a means to an end. If we are so "powerfully in charge" I think that Black Women want to know what we need to do (or not do) to turn the tables and have our men take their rightful place in our lives, communities, families and homes.
Talking about sharing the burden, its not all on men. The old adage that women look for wealth in a man is under threat. Women are starting to put physical attractiveness above solvency. That is, because women have been freed from the constraints that previously dictated how they chose a mate due to their increased control over their own finances. These women are less concerned with the fiscal status of their mates and are looking at how attractive they may be. Concurrently, women who had low levels of financial independence still tended to rate a man's fiscal status above attractiveness. This is from a study published in Evolution and Human Behavior journal.
LADIES WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS; IS THERE ANY TRUTH TO THIS AND HOW DOES IT RELATE TO THE ORIGIONAL POST:"BLACK WOMEN MUST DEMAND THAT THEIR MATES DO BETTER"
YOU APPEAR WILLING TO ACCEPT LESS??
My belief is in any relationship it is a partnership. We both should be providing for our family. The only way our communities are going to become stronger and last is through economic freedom. I have been married for 20 years to a very talented blackman, but one who is also complacent and did not want to pay bills.
We moved to Utah did you hear me? Utah because I knew we would not be able to afford to purchase a home in New York. That was 15 years ago. Our house was foreclosed on last year, and I decided it was time for me to move on. I purchased a condo six months ago. I am getting my financial house in order because I know I have to depend on myself.
I have a state job with 11 and a half years in the system, I am vested in our pension. I have over ten thousand dollars in my 401k and I am working a second job contributing to their 401k and purchasing the company stock. I am also empowering my daughters by my example. One daughter just finished her first year of college and the other daughter I hope will be getting her real estate license, because she is a single mom now and a once in awhile show up black baby daddy.
I wish blackmen would see the big picture and become more responsible for the economic care of their families. But I will not wait around for that to happen, I will take care of myself financially to leave a legacy for my daughters and grandchildren and hope they will also pass theirs along. And if I meet another man Black or white he needs to also be economically stable.