August 2006 Archives

In service of the egoic self, we may very often find ourselves contributing through self delusion, adulation, declarations, etc.,to induce a sense of importance and superiority.

The ego out of control demands recongition. In our pursuit of spiritual growth,we may renounce certains behaviors, attitudes, ideologies etc.,in an attempt to depart from our egoic selves, and sometimes in that act, we develop larger egos, supported by a sense of superiority, because of the higher than thou path we delude ourselves into taking.

Many folks approach internet dating with some hesitancy. Can I trust what people tell me? Is that picture in their profile really them? Is is safe to actually meet someone I met on the internet? And everyone has a horror story they can relate about internet dating. Given what we hear about the internet per se in the media from all sorts of scams, to rampant pornograhhy and pedeaphelia, our initial reactions are understandable. Nonetheless, in my opinion, internet dating sites are legitimate venues to meet people. It can't be beat for meeting a varied, critical mass of individuals that you would not meet in the course of your daily lives, whether for a relationship, a pen pal, or just a friend. Of course, I would suggest, and The Flow advocates, the importance of taking your time to get to know someone with whom you connect. It in no way absolves you of the need to judge the character of those you meet. And, I would also suggest, that initial meetings occur in a very public place. But I believe that internet dating, for the most part, is no more perlious than meeting someone in person. In either venue you can be vulerable to deception. And, I'm sure that far more folks have been decieved in the flesh than on the internet.

The Flow has embarked upon a book project. Angelo, Roy and Marc will be writing a general relationship book from a male's perspective. Today was the second Flow Focus Group. The purpose of the Focus group was to obtain material for our book project from participants regarding men and relationships. There were eight women in attendance. The Flow had compiled a list of questions that was asked of participants and the discussion lasted about three hours. The general consensus among the women in attendance was the men were primarily sexually driven and were not interested in being part of committed relationship?
Below are questions from the Flow Focus Group held August, 19 2006.

What's your opinion regarding about men in reationships and what questions do you have that were not addressed ? Please feel free to address any of the questions below.
What are you consistently not getting from men in relationships?

Do men fear intimacy, commitment? Why?

In the beginning of a relationship what do you expect from a man?

Can/do you and your partner openly discuss your sexual likes and dislikes? Can your partner tell you "baby you're not hitting it?" Do you respond with "show me where it's at" or is your ego crushed and you emotionally withdraw? Can you talk to your partner about using sex toys? Would your male ego be crushed if your partner told you she used a vibrator and enjoyed it? Have you and your partner ever masturbated together or helped each other masturbate? Can you even comfortably talk about it? Oral sex--can you talk about it? Anal sex--can you talk about it, whithout your partner condeming you to hell!?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating any particular sexual behavior. What I am advocating is the necessity of two individuals in a relationship communicating openly, without malice, regarding what they want and don't want. Open communication is the prelude to real intimacy. And real intimacy is more than physical. So, if you ain't doing it here, chances are you ain't doing it in other areas as well! In other words, it's not uncommon for the lack of communication regarding sex to be the tip of the iceberg regarding other unresolved issues in the relationship. What's you opinion? The FLOW WANTS TO KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For _________

Sometimes I wonder exactly what it is
that has me under your spell
after all lately
it's not as if you treat me so wonderfully
on the contrary
what used to be
is what I hope for
live each day for
believing that those days will return to me once more

You see, you used to be good to me good to me
good to me
if I repeat it maybe it will be good for me
to remember the good part
of a relationship
that seems to have jumped ship
man overboard while woman
takes the helm

How Did I End Up Here, Again?

What is it about me
that allowed me to end up here again?

Here is in an abusive relationship
I don’t mean knock down
drag out
knock your teeth out relationship

I’m talking about something
more subtle

the abuse you don’t see right away
because like the wind
the only way it can be detected
is when the pain is directed
towards your emotions

For the Bitch Who Stole My Husband

This poem has been a long time coming
You see, like my healing
Poetry is me feeling my feelings
Not suppressing because that leads to depression
And then my therapist
Why she might want more than a weekly session
She might even try to prescribe one of those little pink pills
By writing on that white pad with her silver pen
Just so I can stop feeling blue

In My Opinion

Black women need black men to share burden

By Leonard Pitts Jr.
lpitts@MiamiHerald.com

For some of us, it is the easiest thing in the world to idealize black women. To romanticize them, sentimentalize them.
Consider Legends Ball, a TV special this week produced by that ?ºber black woman, Oprah Winfrey. I seldom watch Winfrey's programs, but her salute to trailblazing African-American women kept me rooted. There was something soul settling in seeing all those sisters, daughters, mothers -- Gladys Knight, Maya Angelou, Cicely Tyson, Dorothy Height, Leontyne Price and more -- gather in their big hats and finery to celebrate and be celebrated.
Or, consider a chat I had earlier this month with a group of academics and healthcare professionals about the fact that black women have among the lowest suicide rates in the country -- one-third that of white women, according to a 2003 University of North Carolina study. Asked why, I began to wax rhapsodic about the grounding that spirituality gives, the grace that hardship brings and that serene majesty that often settles in on black women of a certain age.
Point being, black women are the strength and succor of their community. They are the last line of defense.

What is maleness, masculinity, manhood? Is it as real as the last James Bond movie? Are we striving to achieve a media projection that has no basis in reality? Do we live for the next conquest and just ride into the sunset or is manhood a living, breathing, feeling entity. What concept do we try to live and bring into our relationships? Do you know?

When does the dating end and the relationship begin? Are you still dating someone with whom you are sexually active? Does physical intimacy herald the change of status? Maybe we should begin with what is dating? Dating is a time to get to know someone by developing a friendship. In my opinion, dating is an opportunity to learn about not only the other person, but yourself as well.

It is also a time to gain some insight into how both individuals may function in a relationship. There should be a level of emotional, intellectual and spiritual intimacy achieved. However, This all takes time, more time than this sound bite, microwave society has been socialized to bear. The race is on, but if you look around at all the unfulfilled relationships that abound, to where are we racing? Dating should not be about sex, but making a connection with another human being. Only when a connection is made does the next phase--a relationship-- make sense. In too many cases, physical intimacy is mistaken as the connection. It's like calling a warm, wet cloth an apple, it feels good but it sure won't nourish you. The emotional, intellectual and spiritual aspects, that are often lacking, are what give a relationship viability and meaning.

So, when does dating end and a relationship begin? It depends, but it depends upon lot more most take the time to discover. What's your opinion????????????

When we hear the term “the Downlow”, it most likely conjures up an image of a black man loving heterosexually by day and lusting homosexually by night. But is it realistic to characterize this as an exclusively black phenomenon? What is “The Downlow” really? First of all, when you get past the sensationalism, it’s basically infidelity and a lack of regard for the well being of your partner. We all know that this may occurs in any relationship. Secondly, it’s not new and it’s not just men!

It has also been implied that the Downlow is a major risk factor in the transmission of HIV/AIDS to black women. Is this really true? Where are the facts? Don’t get me wrong, I am not justifying infidelity or the risk that such behavior presents. I am questioning how we blindly accept things without really thinking about what’s been presented.

I grew up hearing stories of men having sex with other men and women having sex with women outside of heterosexual relationships. And, no doubt, this is an activity that extends beyond all ethnic boundaries. Is having an outside homosexual relationship any more egregious that a heterosexual one. Or does the shock and fear that the Downlow engenders a result of the homophobia of a patriarchal society.

Even more fundamentally, is the Downlow a result of a society that stigmatizes it citizens for being authentic, whether it’s your religion, ethnicity or sexual orientation. Instead of further alienating black men, further dividing already fractured relationship between black men and women “The Downlow”, in my opinion, speaks to the lack of honesty and respect, a failure to come to grips with who we really are and the lack of intimacy and communication common in relationships. It is not an indictment of black men, but an indictment of society. What’s your opinion of the Downlow?