July 2006 Archives

By Joy Jones, A Washington writer, is the author of "Between Black Women: Listening With the Third Ear"

I grew up in a time when two-parent families were still the norm, in both black and white America. Then, as an adult, I saw divorce become more commonplace, then almost a rite of passage. Today it would appear that many -- particularly in the black community -- have dispensed with marriage altogether.

But as a black woman, I have witnessed the outrage of girlfriends when the ex failed to show up for his weekend with the kids, and I've seen the disappointment of children who missed having a dad around. Having enjoyed a close relationship with my own father, I made a conscious decision that I wanted a husband, not a live-in boyfriend and not a "baby's daddy," when it came my time to mate and marry. My time never came. For years, I wondered why not. And then some 12-year-olds enlightened me. "Marriage is for white people."

In getting to know someone in a new relationship, there comes a point where for both men and women, when to become sexually intimate. What should be going on in a relationship to indicate that the time is right? In this age of AIDs and STDs is this something for both parties to discuss what expectations comes with sexual intimacy or is it a magical spontaneous magical experience? THE FLOW WANTS TO KNOW HOW YOU THINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

July, 22nd 2:15 pm - 3:45 pm Harlem Hospital Auditorium

Panel: What’s Love Got To Do With It! Making Relationships Work.

Really getting to know someone, a process of peeling away layers, is the often overlooked, first step in a relationship. The task is further impeded by the tendency of many to focus upon the external things that in the long run do not sustain relationships. What we call love, in many cases is really infatuation that has nothing to do with the other person. From these false beginnings, we enter relationships expecting fulfillment and longevity. Statistics bear proof that the roadmap that we follow is not taking us where we say we want to go. “What’s love got to do with it” is a frank discussion regarding how individuals tend end up with the same person, though a different individual and with the same relationship outcomes. How do we let go of visions of reality that are not borne out by experience? How do we begin to get beyond the baggage and fantasies that get in the way of sustaining healthy relationships?

Moderators: Angelo Hunt, Roy Frank Marc Collins of The Flow
Panelists:
Audrey Chapman, author of Getting Good Loving:Seven ways to Find Love and Make It Last; Man Sharing:Dilemma of Choice; Entitled to Good Loving:Black Men and Women and the Battle for Love and Power; Seven Attitude Adjustments for Finding a Loving Man.

Denene Millner with her husband, Nick Chiles have co-authored three books in What Brothers Think, What Sistahs Know relationship series; as well as the non-fiction titles such as A Love Story, In Love and War, Love Don’t Live Here Anymore among other individually authored titles.

LaJoyce Brookshire, Author of Faith Under Fire: Betrayed by a Thing Called Love

Joel McIver, Kimani Press Fiction author

Rene Flagler, Author and Publisher

Relationships affect more than just the individuals involved. When we look at many of issues affecting our communities from teen pregnancy, to the Downlow, to domestic violence, etc. The Flow believes that they can be distilled to the quality of our relationships, from our families to our relationship with ourselves. How do you think that not having the tools to have healthy relationships impacts the larger community?

At Flow Forums, we talk about how the media often defines our relationship expectations, what the person has as opposed to who a person is. We tend to focus upon the externals. How do you think this may affect a relationship?

We at the Flow advocate that in looking for Mr/Mrs Right that we must first look within. This speaks to knowing yourself and your real motivations which consequently affect relationship choices. How important is knowing who you are in establishing a successful relationship. What's your opinion?

Historically and socially, the subject of relationships has been viewed as a female issue with men on the emotional periphery. Women are perceived as the one who, for the most part, imbue meaning, spirit and purpose into our unions. is this, in fact, a reality? The Flow Relationships forums of the past year and our collective experiences AS MEN are evidence to the contrary. Men struggle with their relationships as much as women: are affected and influenced by the same emotional forces varying only in degree, maybe; have similar dreams, hopes and fears as their partners. This perception about men in their relationship can be additionally convoluted by media induced definitions of manhood and womanhood THAT DO NOT SERVE US. What your viewpoint? THE FLOW WANTS TO KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Relationships define who we are, how we feel about ourselves, and even our hopes and dreams for the future. For the most part, relationships or the lack thereof, define our lives. From friends and acquaintances to family to significant others, we are our relationships.

If who we are is indeed reflected in our relationships, then there are serious cracks in the facade given the current state in which we find so many. Has how we see ourselves and our relationships departed from reality? Are we trapped in a collective figment of our relationships? Are the ever abundant flawed relationships around us a reflection of our equally flawed self images? How did this come about? Is there any way out? What's your take?

In the Flow we also, talk about are you ready for a relationship. Just because you can does not mean you should. We at the Flow believe that the end of a relationship calls for healing and reflection, not a relationship merry-go-round. Relationships are experiences that allow us to grow and redefine ourselves, if we choose. What positive lessons did I learn from this experience that I can take with me is the question to be contemplated. What's your take? THE FLOW WANTS TO KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I believe there is a mutual disconnect between men and women regarding who they are in their relationships. Women on one hand, have been socialized to be caretakers and fixers. consequently, they cater to the many flawed male egoes with just as flawed expectations. And/or they are carrying the bones of past failed relationships, beating any male within reach with THOSE BONES. Men on the other hand are struggling with a self affirming definition of who they are as men. Many women and men are either living in a failed past or projecting their present into an fearful future, too often, not savoring the present. Relationships should be venues for mutual growth and self-discovery. As stated in the book "The Seven Levels of Intimacy" by Mahtew Kelly, "the purpose relationships should be to be condusive to each partner becoming the best version of themselves. What your take! THE FLOW WANTS TO KNOW!!!!

Where do our notions regarding sex and sexuality come from? In a Flow Forum at the Intimate Engagements Boutique in Mont Clair, NJ, we explored many aspects of sexuality. This dialogue was not about technique or the physical act, but about achieving a level of intimacy that allows open and honest sexual exploration. I believe that our sexual concepts come from our primary caregivers, religion, socialization and hearsay. These concepts, if we look at our histories, have not served us as self-affirming individuals or in many of our relationships. From these influences, too many of us are in a state of confusion, denial, guilt and low self-esteem. Do our definitions of man and womanhood mean sex by the numbers? Do individuals speak with their partners regarding what gives them sexual pleasure or do they just assume or, not uncommon, afraid? Is who you are based solely upon your performance or a healthy definition of yourself? Does the lack of sexual intimacy in a relationship mask other unresolved issues? THE FLOW WANTS TO KNOW!

In the last Flow Forum at the Intimate Engagements the question was posed… Do we know who we are? Is there a core self that never changes? Or, is knowing oneself a process of ongoing self examination and discovery. Roy, of The Flow says that he knows who he is. But is that merely knowing you like the color red, blueberry waffles, action movies and fast cars? Marc believes that knowing yourself is a journey, not a destination. He feels that who he was last year =, last month and even yesterday is not who I am today. The Flow advocates that in looking for Mr/Mrs Right, first look within. This speaks to knowing yourself and your real motivations which consequently affect our relationship choices. Whether you think of yourself as a static entity, like Roy or as ever evolving, knowing and loving yourself is one of the keys to successful relationships! What’s you take? THE FLOW WANTS TO KNOW…