Man Sharing-Too few men to go around, do women have to share their men?
FOR the past four years, 34-year-old Dene Brown has knowingly shared her man with another woman. Gayle Scott, also 34, spent eight years in a relationship with a man whom she, too, knowingly shared. Similarly, Marcia Hinton, 33, shared her lover for close to a year before the relationship ended.
Single, young and attractive, Dene, Gayle and Marcia are a modern portrait of a social reality many may find startling: In the 1990s, at one time or another, many women will find themselves sharing the men in their lives.
Just how many women will face this predicament? According to some experts, as many as eight out of every 10 women have at one time shared or are currently sharing a man. "It's as common as the cold," asserts Audrey Chapman, a family therapist at Howard University and author of the controversial book, Man Sharing: Dilemma or Choice. "But, as one man told me, it's like masturbation. Everyone's doing it but nobody's going to admit it."
Verifying the number of Black women who man-share either knowingly or unknowingly is virtually impossible since, as Chapman points out, it's such a touchy, close-to-the-bone issue. "I wrote the book thinking if I came out with a well researched statement acknowledging its widespread existence, women could then start to deal with it," she says. "Instead, what I got was a lot of anger and rage for airing our dirty laundry.'"
Experts believe man-sharing--the practice and the concept--generates such intense reaction among women because it causes more emotional anguish than any other single issue. "Most Black women desperately want a committed, exclusive relationship, but for a number of reasons--the Black male shortage is a big one--huge numbers of them find themselves facing an agonizing choice: being alone or sharing their man," says Marlene Menifee, a certified Black psychoanalyst in New York City who specializes in counseling individuals dissatisfied with their personal lives and relationships.
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Sharing a mate...
This dilemma is not exclusive to the male-female relationship but often prevalent in alternative lifestyle relationships too. So then one would wonder, is it really a shortage or is it a situation of selfishness, personal validation, desperation, poor self image, passionate sex, fear of being alone, love, etc. Pick one out of the basket of emotions, and the choices will all seem justifiable to the person explaining the reason for self-imposed temporary insanity.
Although we were created for relationship; first with God and then ourselves, I do not believe we were designed for mediocrity. What of those who have fallen prey to the lies after asking all the pertinent questions and "Sly" comes the answers? Turning your back or blinding yourself to truth does not absolve you of your own level of accountability in a relationship.
Once you uncover the truth, then it becomes your responsibility to begin your journey away from a self destructive situation. Someone has to make the choice and oftentimes it is not the monkey in the middle. If you want to be a part of a circus submit your resume' to "UniverSoul", after-all you do have the qualification, with previous experience performing in a three ring circus.
Why does it have to be a three ring circus? How can you be sure that the outcome is always pathological? Every experience, regardless of being defined good or bad presents an opportunity for self discovery. Can this be part of our socialization? AIDS and STD's aside, where are parties are disease free, does love or relationships have to be exclusive? Do you have to possess to hold? The current state of relationships says no!
The double standard in this society is screamingly incredible. How many men would be willing to share their woman? Yet, the same man who "honestly" lets his woman know that she is not the only serving on his plate would be first to yell "whore/tramp/slut" to the female who notifies him that it's okay for him to double-dip, as she will be doing the same.
With that in mind, I don't believe asking a partner for fidelity in a relationship is tantamount to possessing him or her. Every woman deserves four (4) things in a relationship: love, respect, commitment and trust. If either is lacking, she should not settle; she deserves to be treated better than some side dish.
I agree, most men would probably object to sharing their women. We live in a patriarchal society where women are seen as disposable possessions. How often have we heard men say "control you woman" like you control your dog. And today, particularily in the media, women are protrayed as disposable sex objects, an interchangeable combination of tits and asses for men's pleasure. Also, this is part of the current definition of what manhood is as promulgated by society which both men and women buy into. I believe, expections are rarely stated. In many relationships our interactions are based upon assumptions and hopes of what we wish our unions to be. Unfortunately, for the most part, relationship expectations are not discussed fully by the participants except in cliches.
hmmm, hasn't man sharing been around for a lot longer than any of us, even before the "shortage" of black men, men have had multiple families for a long time. I guess now the white elephant in the middle of the room can be talked about.
Really what is the problem, some men don't want to be tied to one woman, its her choice, if you don't like it then leave, find a man in church.
Sometimes a woman seems like her geting a man is like her winna a prise, I guess no one wants to share first place.
"Man Sharing" is a byproduct of living in a patricarchal society where women are generally held in low esteem. Though I believe it is possible for an individual to have viable relationships with more than one person, and it's not just about sex, very few are are up to the task.
There has existed a form of polygamy, called polyangry. Polyandry is a form of polygamy in which one woman is married to several men. It's occurance is rare and assumes a specific concentration in the Himalayan areas of South Asia.
Polyandry is generally found in areas where difficult physical environments or high populations impose extreme pressures on agricultural systems. It works to limit population growth and to ensure the coherence of agricultural estates. Some theorists suggest that this institutions more often occurs in societies in which women hold relatively high social status (Stone 1997:194).
My point is that if we lived in a matriarchal society the discussion would be "woman sharing." It's all about sociology and not morality.
I wonder what would happen if the two women that were sharing a man knew each other, felt safe, secure and respected in the relationship? Suppose there were no sneaking around lying and hiding. I belive that these things hurt the most not the sharing.
To the man who commented, "I guess now the white elephant in the middle of the room can be talked about," yes, let's get everything out in the open so we can have a better understanding of each other. As long as a woman knows they are man sharing there should be no problem and the woman can make an informed decision to share or not to share. Unfortunately, most men are not forthcoming and intentionally mislead women into believing they're the only one. That can be emotionally painful and if the relationships are sexual there are serious medical concerns. Whatever it is you do, have some consideration and be respectful of yourself and all your first place winners. Also, you could just be a first place winner yourself and not know it. Remember, times have changed and women have changed too.
I believe the Elitist and working class should equally debate this important issue to our community. Rather one is for or against does not dimiss the fact that we are risk of sharing STD's in our community and we fail to share the responsibility of raising our children. I strongly support the notion Polygamy if it is centered around the uplift of our children to compete in the new global market. As a blue collar and hard working black man, I don't care for the trophies wives, because they collect dust. What my family needs is a woman to be a "wife/partner/parent" who desires a positive black man to sync with and create a fondation of success in our children. The biggest road block to redefining the Black community's norms is our community's need for the main stream culture's approval for our basic survival.