April 2006 Archives

"Why Are Black Women Scaring Off Their Men?"
A Fighting Spirit Is Important.......But Not At Home
The Washington Post
Have you met this woman? She has a good job, works hard, earns a good salary. She went to college, got her master's degree; she is intelligent. She is personable, articulate, well-read, interested in everybody and everything. Yet, she's single.
Or maybe you know this one. Active in the church. Faithful, committed. Sings in the choir, serves on the usher board, attends every committee meeting.
Loves the Lord and knows the Word. You'd think that with her command of the Scriptures and the respect of her church members, she'd have a marriage as solid as a rock. But again, no husband.
Or perhaps you recognize the community activist. She's a black lady-or as she prefers, an African American woman-on the move. She sports a short natural, sometimes cornrow braids, or even dreadlocks. She's an organizer, a motivator, a dynamo. Her work for her people Speaks for itself - organizing women for a self-help collective, raising funds for a community cause, educating others around a new issue in South Africa. Black folks look up to her, and white folks know she's a force to be reckoned with. Yet once again, the men leave her alone. What do these women have in common? They have so much; what is it they lack?
Why is it they may be able to hook a man but can't hold him? The women puzzle over this quandary themselves. They gather at professional clubs, at sorority meetings or over coffee at the office and wonder what's wrong with black men. They hold special prayer vigils and fast and pray and beg Jesus to send the men back to church. They find the brothers attending political strategizing sessions or participating in protests, but when it comes time to go home, the brothers go home to someone else. I know these women because I am all of these women. And after asking over and over again "What's wrong with these men?", it finally dawned on me to ask the question, "What's wrong with us women?"

FOR the past four years, 34-year-old Dene Brown has knowingly shared her man with another woman. Gayle Scott, also 34, spent eight years in a relationship with a man whom she, too, knowingly shared. Similarly, Marcia Hinton, 33, shared her lover for close to a year before the relationship ended.

Single, young and attractive, Dene, Gayle and Marcia are a modern portrait of a social reality many may find startling: In the 1990s, at one time or another, many women will find themselves sharing the men in their lives.

Just how many women will face this predicament? According to some experts, as many as eight out of every 10 women have at one time shared or are currently sharing a man. "It's as common as the cold," asserts Audrey Chapman, a family therapist at Howard University and author of the controversial book, Man Sharing: Dilemma or Choice. "But, as one man told me, it's like masturbation. Everyone's doing it but nobody's going to admit it."

Verifying the number of Black women who man-share either knowingly or unknowingly is virtually impossible since, as Chapman points out, it's such a touchy, close-to-the-bone issue. "I wrote the book thinking if I came out with a well researched statement acknowledging its widespread existence, women could then start to deal with it," she says. "Instead, what I got was a lot of anger and rage for airing our dirty laundry.'"

Experts believe man-sharing--the practice and the concept--generates such intense reaction among women because it causes more emotional anguish than any other single issue. "Most Black women desperately want a committed, exclusive relationship, but for a number of reasons--the Black male shortage is a big one--huge numbers of them find themselves facing an agonizing choice: being alone or sharing their man," says Marlene Menifee, a certified Black psychoanalyst in New York City who specializes in counseling individuals dissatisfied with their personal lives and relationships.

Link to entire article:

http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1077/is_n3_v46/ai_9312500