Getting To Know Someone
Well guys I've been on another date and its getting old......
So far I've thought alot about the questions we've raised and I wonder that
regardless of the answers received if our internal clock/spirit/intuition
does not make a connection what then??
Initially in my quest to find a partner I felt that she had to be educated,
good job, not have young children, be able to stimulate me intellectually
and be able to confirm that we're on the same page and see what happens.
Unfortunately, in most instances we were not on the same page, and/or;
myself or that person got scared with the following justification (things
happening too fast, or asking oneself do I really want to be in a
relationship, do I just want enjoy the thrill of the conquest, is this the
right one, or do I just want to get laid/layed).
Again, all the questions raised are important but, do you want to conduct an
interview or just interact, get to know the person and let everything will
be revieled naturally. Following is a msg that I've shared with some women
and the results are answers to some of our questions.
Walls
Consider the wall. There are two kinds of walls. There is a bearing wall,
which is a wall you cannot do without. A bearing wall is designed to bear
the weight of the structure. The wall with a window in it is a bearing wall
because it holds up the weight of the roof. But it cannot be a bearing wall
unless its inextricably, fundamentally connected to the foundation. If the
wall that is around your life is not connected to the foundation, it is not
a bearing wall. If walls around your life are not connected to the rock, it
will not sustain the weight of your problems, your difficulties, your
trials....
You need to be connected to the rock "For none can lay any foundation other
than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ.
There is also this other wall; (Ephesians 2:14-1 It is the middle wall, it
is the interior wall. You can move that wall and the building will still
stand. The problem with the interior wall is that we create them. We make up
our own interior walls. We make up our own middle walls. This middle wall is
there because discrimination is there.... because hatred is there....
because regret is there.... because pain is there.... How are you going to
have your walls broken down?? The wall is only broken down once you
acknowledge your humanity, once you realize you are no more than anyone
else. Your wall comes down when you acknowledge that there is nothing to
hide and no defense mechanism to secure you. We need a word that is
redemptive. And the word is that GOD never leaves us with the middle wall in
our lives because of something we put in every middle wall. Every middle
wall in our lives has one thing in it: it has a door...There i! s a door. It
is connected to your heart. But nobody will come busting in. Nobody will
break down your door. The lock is not on the outside. The lock is on the
inside. And Jesus says, "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock..
Revelation 3:20
Just to let you guys know by no stretch am I a religious fanatic
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Now and Then!
July will mark the 4th year I have been divorced. The time has really gone bye.
The first year was wonderful....I had new found freedom...I was getting attention I didn’t know I could get....I felt anew...uplifted....I walked around with an affixed smile on my face.....I was the happiest I had been in years. That same year I also had a milestone birthday......got a tattoo...and I did a couple of other rebellious feel good things. I also started dating.......something I had never really done before. You see, back in the day....when u spent time with someone, there was no question as to what or who they were to u. It was just automatic “so n so” was your boyfriend or man and “so n so” was your girlfriend or woman. This was primarily based on the time spent and the attention that was paid to each other.
Well..... has times changed. Spending time with a person only means just that and we are getting to know one another.....maybe after 6 months we can get around to being exclusive or maybe we will find out that that person really isn’t the one. What is the criteria we use to chose a mate? We use to think it was the butterflies in our stomachs, or the sweaty palms that signal he/she is the “one”. Now we have a check list of particulars, a series of questions to help with the choice we are trying to make. Damn....why does dating have to be so darn complicated??? And guess what the older one gets the more complicated dating seems to get. Could that be because we have so much baggage we do not know how to lessen our “load” or acknowledge that it is just that a “load”? Have we acknowledge certain behaviors as an issue we need to work on or do we continue on into our mature years with the same ole stuff that helped us sabotage our relationships as young folk? Or do we say it ain’t me, maybe it’s her/him and hide behind our self righteousness. Somewhere down the line we have to start to do something different to get a different result. Heck, I would like to get it right at some point in this life time! Being honest and true to ourselves about our mixed bag of emotions is a good starting place.
Well, after some self evaluation....let me check myself, reading a few relationship books.....let me get some expert advise on trying to get it right ( self-help), a couple of almost....he is the one relationships.......I have just decided to put it out to the universe (The Secret). Now don’t get me wrong......I still have my check list.......and my list of questions to ask...... so that when I do get butterflies in my stomach, that will not be the only measure of “is he the one”. While I am waiting for the universe to present “him”.....I am working on lightening my load...... reading how to get it right.....and always, always looking at how to improve me and being honest with myself about me. I continue to strive for personal emotional growth and working towards being able to recognize and accept love in when it comes knocking at my door. And guess what....they say some women are desperate.....well, it’s not just a woman thang!! Men are looking for love.....in a desperate way too! Everybody wants love, but is afraid of love. (Gerald Levert)
As another birthday approaches.....it is what it is........I have learned to not take life so seriously all the time, do not hold grudges, laugh at myself, enjoy my friends....my daughter and the simple things that come my way........... a small gesture can go along way. Peace and love be with us all!
Hey Cory, I feel you! Though my divorce recently became final, I have been seperated from my ex for over two years. My first year was also wonderful, I had found a peacefulness, a freedom to be myself, and an appreciation of my worth, something in my marriage, particularily in the later years, I could only long for...
But the larger question, I think that you raise is, what is gettin it right?" In my brief post divorce sojorn, I have come to realize, There is no real formula for "getting it right." How you define yourself will define a large part of how you define relationship succcess. We generally define success as a lifelong union. Though those kinds of relationships have and do exist, success is how we individually grow, and if we are so blessed, how two individuals grow together.
Though we know betterr, we crave for success as some idylic pasture. Regardless of how a particular chapter in our lives plays itself out, finding the lesson in that experience is what determines the nature of success. "Getting it right" is a process just as you have described. Your experiences have brought you closer to your ideal and given you a greater appreciation of where you are and who you are. I believe there is nothing wrong here, it's just that we are all hooked on sound bites and not a developmental processes. To quote Frederick Douglas, he says "Without a struggle, there can be no progress." David Schnarch, in his book "The Passionate Marriage" characterizes relationships as "people growing machines" where you must tolerate "discomfort for growth."
I beginning to believe that success is not finding that "one true love", but finding that one true love within yoursel. Finding the true love within you, redefines how we see the world around us and consequently, brings us closer to the "one true love" we seek." And, maybe, it's not meant to be to find that person, but is meant to be to find that "one true love" within ourselves. To leave this planet without achieving this, is to leave with some unfinished business.
Yeh, all this ain't easy, particularily given the baggage we all carry, but I believe I am closer to finding and recognizing that "one true love" than I have ever been in my life.
Hey, right back atcha Marc!! Getting it right only means (for me) that as a couple, (whom ever my partner of choice may be), first and foremost, we connect/vibe. Then, we can work thru the issues, communicate, find ways to continuously be intimate with each other, accept each other as we come to one another, and build on the stuff that make us work as a team/couple.....respect, admiration and a depth of love/passion. That is worth waiting for!!! No one or anything is ever perfect or 100% all the time.....it is human to be this way! And the journey is what makes it so interesting.
Of course, the things you mention are a must, But, "getting it right", to me is more than that. For instance, "getting it right" before my marriage of 18 years, is very different from what "getting it right" means to me now. How I now see it, is a function of how I define myself then and now. From experience, I have different/more criteria
than in the past that hopefully, will assist in me making better choices.