Getting to Know Someone
The following is a post by Roy from the original email dialogue. The focus was on questions (fundamental questions) that we should know about the other person:
Yes we're all coming/going through a transformative process and these
questions are pertinent. Despite our pursuit of truth I think very few
men/women are comfortable with the truth, of course since we're on this
endeavor we might be part of the few.
In asking these question of a potential partner, the order is important. I
would ask #4 (Spiritual Beliefs) & #7 (lessons learned) first. The answers
will tell a lot about that person and determine what's next.
As an example how would you respond to someone saying they're an athiest or
someone who says they've been wronged by their EX, hates him and will never
get hurt again by a man. Its the same with us "takes two"
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Reading List
Mating in Captivity, Esther Perel
The Will To Change
Absent Fathers Lost Sons
I think another approach that may yield some profit ,is getting a sense
of their emotional heritage and philosophy. Getting a sense of this,
will spell to what degree and how equipped they are to effectively connect,
oppose to just desiring to connect. Every family has it own culture
regarding how they connected and encourage the expression or suppression of
emotions,( or certain emotions). I find that in general conversations
with women, a lot is revealed regarding this...
However, I have my own prescription for surviving this. I rely on my
Self-assessment-what do I want. What do I NEVER want to deal with
again. What's most important. What are deal-breakers. How much work
am I willing to do to make a relationship work. All of these are good
starting points for me. And, I try not to get confused by other things
that cause me to make allowances for what's not there. The only
absolute honestly I can expect is my own. And doing that helps me repel
the wrong ones and attract the right ones.
I always assume I'm not getting the full story from the person I'm
talking to. That's not negative. It's just that it takes time to know
a person. And people tend to reveal themselves in stages. I tend to
take on this process positively. I expect getting to know each other to
be time consuming. The other thing is I rely on the feedback I get as I
get to know these various women to tell me more about myself. That's
been very revealing--very helpful. Really important because I've only
had feedback from one partner for the past 15 years or so.