What are the ideals of marriage and how have they come to be so illusive, while the reality of disillusionment is so pervasive. There are few other institutions that can transform two individuals who have proclaimed eternal love and affection to each other into blood thirsty enemies.

From the public infidelities of former president, Bill Clinton to presidential contender John Edwards, and former New York Governor, Elliot Spitzer and now, the current spectacle involving the South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, and countless others show clearly that the institution of marriage is not sacrosanct.

It is the individuals involved that create what is proclaimed as the sanctity of marriage. A viable marriage really depends upon what personal history, baggage and expectations we bring to the union. Using longevity as opposed to quality of the relationship as the metric for success has contributed to the current marriage mythology. Meaningful, satisfying, self-affirming marriage can and does exist, but this is dynamic process created by two healthy individuals committed to individual and collective growth. The current marriage landscape suggests that something is amiss.

Join The FLOW and guest panelists as we explore this important topic as part of the 2009 Harlem Book Fair on July 18th, 3PM, at the Countee Cullen Library in Harlem.

What do you think? . What concepts about men do you take into your relationships? Share your thoughts with The FLOW community or send an email to flow4theworld@comcast.net

When we hear the term the Downlow it most likely conjures up an image of a black man loving heterosexually by day and lusting homosexually by night. But is it realistic to characterize this as an exclusively black phenomenon? What is The Downlow really? First of all, when you get past the sensationalism, it's basically infidelity and a lack of regard for the well being of your partner. We all know that this may occurs in any relationship. Secondly, it's not new and it's not just men!

It has also been implied that the Downlow is a major risk factor in the transmission of HIV/AIDS to black women. Is this the real HIV/AIDS transmission story? Pat Hill Collins, in her seminal book Black Sexual Politics states that:

Because sexual contact constitutes one major trajectory of HIV contraction, the HIV/AIDS crisis reveals how the failure to criticise prevailing Black sexual politics places all African Americans at risk. Many Africian Americans fail to question dominant Black gender ideology and thus help replicate America's sexually repressive culture that takes special form within African American communities. For example, black men who confuse masculinity with dominance and take these beliefs into their romantic relationships place their partners at risk. Whether straight, gay, or bisexual, Black men who make "booty calls" without condoms foster the spread of HIV. Black women who confuse feminity with submission and weakness fare no better. When partnered with these same men, heterosexual African American women who try to be the "strong" Black woman can end up being sexually exploited, economically used, and abandoned when they can no longer compete sexually in the marketplace."

I grew up hearing stories whispered of men having sex with other men and women having sex with women outside of heterosexual relationships. And, no doubt, this is an activity that extends beyond all ethnic boundaries. Is having an outside homosexual relationship any more egregious that a heterosexual one. Or does the shock and fear that the Downlow engenders a result of the homophobia of a patriarchal society.

Even more fundamentally, is the Downlow a result of a society that stigmatizes it citizens for being authentic, whether it's your religion, ethnicity or sexual orientation. Instead of further alienating black men, further dividing already fractured relationship between black men and women,The Downlow, in my opinion, speaks to the lack of honesty and respect, a failure to come to grips with who we really are and the lack of intimacy and communication common in relationships. It is not an indictment of black men, but an indictment of society

Check out the YouTube video below, An Open Letter to Black Women and share with The FLOW community your opinion of the Downlow? Or send The FLOW and email at flow4theworl@comcast.net

There was a beacon of light of enlightenment in Newark, New Jersey on March 21, 2009, as the men of the FLOW facilitated a lively discussion about Marriage: Myths and Reality of the Relationship.

We were all reminded of the current rate of marriages and that 50% end in divorce. The audience was challenged to contemplate a number of questions. We were asked to define “marriage”, and the definitions were as varied as there were those present. The question was raised if gender influenced our perception, expectations, and/or behavior in the marriage. Is there a clear definition of gender roles in marriage, or due to the transient nature of families and the economy, the lines of roles is diffused.

Finally the question was posed as to what defines a “successful” marriage, and if, when and how does one come to terms to dissolve the marriage.

At the end of the forum there were several truths that resonated:

• The key to a successful marriage/relationship is to have a healthy relationship with “self”. We must look within ourselves in order to have successful relationships with others. Each interaction affords us another opportunity for growth; to learn a life lesson. In doing this you may journey with someone for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
• Marriage is a process not an event. Marriage is a beginning of a relationship where people evolve from being single, to being a couple to being partners in life. Marriage gives each person an opportunity to assist the other to become the best version of their selves.
• Communication is the key. It is through open and honest communication that trust is built. It is with trust that one takes greater risks to be more open and honest with their partner. Communication is essential as it allows both parties to become clear about the direction of the relationship and to have mutual goals. It is important to have conversations about “sensitive” issues prior to marriage (ideally) about such topics as money/finances; sex; spirituality/religion; parenting, to name a few.
• Have a spiritual foundation. A spiritual foundation fosters respect in the relationship. Respect for one’s self, the relationship and others.
• Experience, Common Sense and Maturity supports a healthy marriage. The ultimate goal is to mature as people in the marriage.

The maturity comes as a result of learning life lessons from mutual experiences. As we grow older we embrace those lessons and use common sense in dealing with life challenges. Maturity tells us that “this too shall pass” and the relationship will be the stronger for it. The conclusion of this spirited discussion was for one to do their personal inventory of the relationship and to have regular check-ins with their partner. How the marriage supports the emotional, spiritual and intellectual growth individually as well as a couple supports a healthy relationship and marriage.

Myla is a performance poet, published author, and FLOW Poet in Residence. Look for her book of poetry My Poetry My Words.

This Place

There is a place where I must dig down
Deep
Into a heart that is hurting
An emotion I must name
Although I do not want to feel right now
To suppress is only to prolong
Some things will not simply go away
They must be worked through
Dealt with
And peace must be made
Center
A place where I am myself
Not being distracted by nonsense
Or by people to whom I have long ago said good-bye
Focus
On the feeling
On the emotion
On the healing
Which must take place
Which will take place
There is where quality
decisions can be made

As a Friend of The FLOW, Ms. Katurah Bryant was invited to share her insight on relationships. Through her employ in the mental health field, she has assisted hundreds of men and women in arriving to a point of mindful living and loving. As she has said, “We are all on a journey of self awareness, of becoming more insightful…. As a therapist, I continue on this path, recognizing it ultimately enlarges me as a person and makes me a better therapist.

The Universe speaks to you loud and clear.” In sharing her experiences from individual and couple therapy, it becomes clear that the challenges she witnesses in her practice are not necessarily a collective segregation, but an aggregate expression of the human experience. She is preparing for a new journey into private practice, and when available, The FLOW will provide contact information. The FLOW welcomes Ms.Bryant.

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“AS IS…”
Katurah A. Bryant, LMFT

It is human nature to be connected with other human beings. We attest to the power of positive family connections, whether it is one’s given family or “chosen” family. Connections keep us grounded. The same holds true for our desire to be in an intimate partner relationship, to have that sense of connectedness.

Unfortunately, in this day and time, people have come to believe that they “need” to be in a relationship to be validated as a woman/man, or to experience a sense of worth; to feel “complete.” This drive oftentimes lends itself to one making unhealthy choices in intimate partner relationships. A client of mine described her experience as her “man-picker” was broken, after a series of failed relationships that were all too similar. Her goal in therapy was to “fix her picker”.

We began a journey by looking at her behavior before and during these relationships. It was important for her to understand that her ability to “pick” was related to the choices she was making. What was most crucial in her change process, was for her to acquire insight regarding understanding and embracing the consequences of her choices, both positive and negative. It was not so much that her “picker” as broken, as her not examining the possible consequences of her choices before making a commitment.

In adult intimate partner relationships, each person presents a neon sign on their forehead that flashes, “AS IS.” It does NOT say, “You can change me,” or “I am willing to make any adjustments you would like.” That old-school song said it best, “What you see, is what you get!” The client was encouraged to practice healthy choice making. She made a list of things she absolutely adored about her prospective partner, as well as things she found annoying, that “plucked her last nerve.” She was reminded that he was, “AS IS.” We examined those attributes of her prospective partner she identified as cons/challenges.

The client came to understand that “change” was an inside job, and the only person she could change was herself. She became aware that she could choose to make adjustments to live with the cons/challenges that her partner brought to the relationship, or not. She was empowered to make the choice of whether to continue in the relationship, embracing the reality that there were no expectations that the annoyances would disappear once she committed to the relationship, and her partner was “AS IS.”

We also examined the pros/positives that her prospective partner brought to the relationship. She was able to recognize the strength of character, of honesty and trustworthiness he brought to the relationship. In addition she noted she appreciated the caring things he did for her, and him honoring her as a woman…as HIS woman. He was a good provider, and together she recognized they could provide each other a comfortable lifestyle. She looked at her list and assessed that the positives far out weighed the challenges. She chose to “pick” her partner with her eyes wide open, lovingly embracing him… “AS IS.”

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Relationship success, as Katurah makes clear is an "inside job." John Welwood, in his book Love and Awakening says "How we relate to someone we love... provides an extremely clear and accurate picture of how we relate to ourlesves." Do you see love and relationships as an end in themselves or a path to self knowledge and personal growth? Please share you comments or send an email to flow4theworld@comcast.net.

NAVIGATE THE RELATIONSHIP LANDSCAPE!

Check out The FLOW in Point of View. A monthly relationship column on the QBR website (WWW.QBR.COM), a new and timeless approach to looking at love and relationships. QBR is the creators and organizers of the Harlem Book Fair, now in its tenth year. As in our live events, the intent is to provide a different conversation regarding love and relationships. We will provide the GPS, not hype, to navigate through today's perplexing relationship terrain. Please join The FLOW in Point of View

Please share your comments here or email flow4theworld@comcast.net.

The dating dance should begin way before actual dating. There are questions to be asked before the plunge is undertaken. What are we really after in the dating process? The standard answers are love, companionship, regular sex, stability, marriage, a willing partner... Despite these answers, too many of us are really looking for mommy or daddy and consequently relationships become venues for working out unresolved parental issues. Audrey Chapman, a family therapist, author, trainer, and nationally-known relationship expert says in her book Getting Good Loving, "The "entitled" individual is really looking for a partner that will take on a parental role. If parents disappointed the individual during childhood, then in adulthood he or she subconsciously makes the leap that a romantic partner can be an ideal parental replacement."

The way to sort through all this is to take your time to get to know the other person. This is crucial in determining if there are issues that impact a healthy, self-affirming relationship. There is no time limit to this process. The first few dates, 3 months, 6 months, etc are all arbitrary parameters that have nothing to do with making a healthy connection. If you are in a rush to connect, why, should be the next question, and where has rushing gotten you in the past.

From a gauntlet of failed expectations, some approach dating with such desperation, that their very actions betray that they have no faith in finding what they seek. Bell Hooks states in her book “All About Love “…we yearn for love—that we seek it—even when we lack hope that it really can be found.” And this lack of hope can be very evident in what in what individuals have settled for that amounts to merely a warm body. The dating dance is really a quest for self validation, a cry “that I am somebody” and I hope that someone else can see me! Taking the time to make a real connection will determine how you are seen and reveal attitudes regarding family, finance, religion and spirituality, personal & career goals, sex & sexuality, children, etc. What I am suggesting is not and interview or a check list.

In a recent Time Magazine article titled “The New Dating Game”, “relationship experts” quoted offered such dating success determinants as accessing character by whether your ring finger is longer than your index finger; “a guy wearing a sweater probably means he already has a girlfriend”; and “wait 90 days before giving [a man] any “benefits.” Is this really the road to healthy connections, or merely one dimensional relationship cartoons, where the characters behaviors consistently deify reality, and consequently fulfillment?

I understand that this is all foreign territory for many, but if we seek to end the merry-go-round of relationships with the same person in a different individual, a different, more introspective approach is in order. This is not a destination, but a journey of personal exploration, as well as exploring who is that other person. Are they really good for you, not just LOOK good to you? Making a connection that is self affirming, that fosters personal growth and not dependence, is the real goal of the dating dance, regardless of all the other things we call it. Magical visions of love or media induced frames or references have nothing to do with this.

That's my take... What’s yours? Share your comments with The FLOW community or send an email to flow4theworld@comcast.net.