Though a provocative title, the intent of this panel discussion held on last Sunday, at the Hueman Bookstore in Harlem, New York was to explore the meanings that we bring to sex, which it what gives sex its relevancy. Sex in a relationship is often not about sex, but represents our attempts to get others to validate ourselves and make us feel good about us, whether real or imagined. There is a psychology that gives a context to the physiology of sex. The panelist were Terance Layne, author of The (Black) Barbershop Monologues; Marguite Dyer Hunt, author of Dysfunctional Players of Women; and Cassandra Mack author of Single Moms Little Book of Wisdom, Young Gifted and Doing It, among others. Cassandra is also the host of The No More Drama Empowerment Hour, an internet radio talk show.
An important theme brought up by Terance Layne is the "date face." The "date face" is an idealized projection of who we are that we present to others. Terance stated it as "In dating we bring a representative." It was argued that this face is usually a false self-portrait. Unfortunately, so many relationships begin under such false pretenses. Consequently, "giving it up" is often giving in to an illusion. However, it does not stop there; "giving it up" also involves us following our own illusions about the other person i.e. he/she has money, status, a good job based upon what we see. In our usual rush into a relationship, in which we believe that sex is the gateway, we miss the opportunity to develop a real friendship, the key to real intimacy. So, "giving it up" and who we "giving it up to" to may be more about the other person's illusions validating our own illusions. In this scenario, sex is reduced to a mechanical act eliciting a physiological response that results in the despair so prevalent in the relationship landscape.
Other themes discussed were: The pressure to please others Men feeling unsure about ourselves Women and men's assumptions about each other regarding sex Sex in a new relationship is really about how we define ourselves and what ritualized behaviors we bring into relationships. These behaviors can be the result of upbringing, religious beliefs, cultural traditions, past experiences or our attempts to repudiate these ideals and concepts, neither of which authentically define who we are and impede friendship, meaningfulness and real intimacy. When to Give it Up, The FLOW believes, was an important conversation regarding the underlying reasoning behind our behaviors that fail to take us were WE SAY we wish to go in our relationships.
The Men's Ministry of the Abyssinian Baptist Church presents it's second "Urban Dialogue", "Inside the Hearts and Minds of Black Men", Addressing our feelings, opinions, and concerns about becoming responsible and committed Fathers, Husbands, and Life Partners. Marc Collins of The FLOW will be on the panel.
This is guaranteed to be a very informative, candid, and energized discussion between a group of dynamic, progressive Black men and you, the audience. Brothers, be there !!!, Ladies, we want to see you in the house !!!!
This one is for you. We know everyone has a lot to say, so lets get together and talk about it !!!!! Date: Monday January 7, 2008 Location: Abyssinian Baptist Church West 138th Street (Lenox and Adam Clayton Powell Blvd.) Time: 7:00-9:00 pm (doors open at 6:00)
Before we can embark upon the path to real LOVE, we need to know what LOVE is. Does your definition bring you what you seek in your relationships? If what you define as LOVE repeatedly brings you the same life challenges, or the same person in a different individual, maybe it's your definition that ails? If not, you will always ask "Where is the Love?" because your definition is not taking you where you say you want to go. What do you think?
Just as there is no lack of variety and failure regarding diets, the same can be said about relationships. Most folks would say that the reason they embark upon a diet is to lose weight, the real reasons run the gamut, from fitting into a swimsuit to catching that someone's attention, to conforming to a concept of beauty that does not fit. Is this really about YOU, the individual? Consequently, people persue the questionable, and even the hazardous to lose weight. After a while, the list of diets attempted, with less than satisfying results reads like a Christmas list.
So too, in our quest of relationships, many persue the questionable and the hazardous, ignoring their well being. Even with the twenty-first century innovations of speed dating and the internet, the unfulfillng relationship outcomes still accumulate like disgarded diets. The FLOW advocates that the path for relationship success begins with looking inward. Fads do not change relationship dynamics.
- The Prime Relationships is with yourself: Having a healthy, loving relationship with yourself is a key to successful relationships.
- We are complete within ourselves: Relationships should enhance who we are not complete us.
- Relationships are experiences that allow us to grow and redefine ourselves, if we choose.
By looking within, we can begin to understand the real reasons for relationship dissatisfaction that may not have anything to do with the other person and take responsibility. Experts say that diets with the most lasting effects are lifestyle changes. To begin to understand why that same person keeps popping up over and over again in relationships, there must be a similar frame-of-reference change, where YOU--your emotional, spiritulal, intellectual, financial ands sexual well being comes first. Starving yourself is a sure road to the old diet heap
The FLOW wants to hear your comments. Are you on a diet or persuing a healthy frame-of-reference?
WHY MEN CHEAT?
When the question of why men cheat is asked, it is met with all the usual responses; men say "because they can"; women say "all me are dogs"; others say "women allow it to happen." Nonetheless, It is generally assumed that cheating is something all men are prone to do sooner or later, and women are its hapless victims.
The Flow argues that cheating is just not some uncontrollable male impulse that women are at the mercy of, but cheating is something where we all, men and women are both the perpetrators and victims. There is no simple answer as to why men cheat.
Panelists:
- Ruth Houston, author of Is He Cheating On You? 829 Tell-Tale Signs
- Kurin, author of The Black Man's Guide to How To Cheat On Your Woman
- S.S. Neely, author of Avoiding The Dating Games
- Derrick Watkins, relationship authorThe Black Man's Guide to Dating
Join The FLOW
on
November 18th 3-5pmThe Hue-Man Book Store
2319 Frederick Douglas Blvd (Between 124th and 125th St
Harlem, New York 10027
212 665-7400
The Hue-Man Book Store
2319 Frederick Douglas Blvd (Between 124th and 125th St.)
Harlem, New York 10027
212 665-7400
Sunday, October 21th
How History & Culture Impacts our Relationships
Sunday, November 18th
Why Men Cheat
Sunday, January 20th 2008
Visions of Love:Beyond Fiction
Romance Authors Talk About Love and Relationships
Sunday, March 16th 2008
When To Give It UP?: Sex in a new Relationship
Sunday, April 20th 2008
Why Do Men Fear Love and Commitment?
All panels will be held from 3pm-5pm
Reading List
The Seven Levels of Intimacy
Mating in Captivity, Esther Perel
The Will To Change
Absent Fathers Lost Sons
